A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am a 25 year old woman. I have a long relationship with my boyfriend. Our relationship had both good and bad moments. We were very in love in the beginning, but after the first year we started to fight for everything. I am a person who is used to state an opinion when I have one, but this obviously was making him angry. I really loved him and told myself that maybe it's normal for people in a relationships to have fights. Than I started thinking how to make things better, so I started to stay silent for the things that bother me, I wanted to be positive and always end things with a smile. We started to get along very well, no fights, but I was feeling like a bomb that would explode one day, but still never complained or said anything. The other thing that made me feel like a bomb just about to explode is that I had really put our relationship on the first place. It was always the most important thing for me, so I lost contact with my friends and couldn't do many things I wanted just because I felt that this would make the relationship stronger- to be always around and available. The problem was that this wasn't the case with him, he was going out with his friends, travelling a lot, because of work or on workshops. When we started this, as most woman do, I though that it would end up with a marriage, I imagined myself in white dress, although it may sound a little immature, but I really did. The problem was that he never did this. He never proposed and he always had an excuse- money, no place to live, etc. Maybe he was right for the most, but I guess that when you want something you find a way...In the past one years I started to fell very angry at him. I couldn't help it, but think that our relationship was the obstacle in front of me and I lost a lot, because of it, never did something for myself and I may never get married or even have children, because of it. He is now trying to act better, giving me a lot more attention then before, even invited me to live with him, but it somehow doesn't really matter anymore, I have spent so many years waiting for him... The fights are there again, because I am sick of not having the possibility to put out my opinion. We had some huge fights over the past year, like hours, he was saying I make him angry all the time and do it on purpose. But even after we make things out, I fell like I can never forgive that person for all the fights, the ignoring behavior(he is always hanging up on me, when we fight on the phone) and that he lived his life like he was single while he was with me, for all those years, although he has never cheated on me, as long as I know. I understand that relationships are hard, and after all this years people get bored, but I want to know is there some way to fix things?After all I have said, it may sound really odd to you, but I still love him. I still have some need to call him, to tell him everything, to ask what he thinks. I can't really imagine how it would be, if we are not together and I don't hear his voice every day.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2012): Hello again. It's the author. I want to thank you for you answers and for the advises. I'm still confused, still trying to figure out what to do. After the last fight, a week ago, I haven't seen him, the fight was over the issue with the phone hanging, and after I said several times that it offends me, he got angry, we got into a fight and he even punched the wall. It scared me a lot. Recently he is having such anger outburst. It's the second time he punches a wall after we fight. So, now he is calling me, we are talking, but I don't know if I should see him. I am scared if this is the begging of something bad, like abusive behavior. I haven't moved in with him yet, I am delaying my decision, because I have my concerns, and maybe because as "oldbag" said, I feel it's too little, too late for me. The first time he invited me to move in, he said something like-"Let's try this out, even tough I doubt it will work". If you have some suggestions on this situation, please write :)The whole week I am thinking to end this, but in the same time I am still waiting for his calls, still feeling happy when he does.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): It sounds like for the sake of peace and harmony, you put your own thoughts, feelings and life on hold to keep him happy. This didn't make YOU happy, and now you resent a lot of things, which is normal. He wasn't really aware of your true feelings, and once you did share them, he has changed and began trying harder. However, you have unresolved feelings which is leading you to be angry yet you still love him.
I think in order for this to work, you will need to have a heart to heart with him. Mention how in the beginning you used to have an opinion but when you noticed it caused lots of fights, you changed to avoid fights. However, you began a "time bomb" and kept a lot of thing inside, which is not healthy for you, or the relationship. It didn't allow him to address things, or to learn or grow in the relationship.
Also, you chose to stop seeing friends and didn't do a lot of things for the sake of the relationship. This should not have been necessary, you still have to maintain your own identity and interests, to remain an individual in a relationship. He did - he still saw his friends, travelled and went on courses, etc. For things to be healthy and fair, you too need to do these things. For your own balance and happiness. We can't rely on only one person for everything. They are there to share in our highs and lows, but they can't provide everything all the time.
When you realised how much you had "lost" by putting your life on hold, is when all this anger surfaced. You now resent him and the relationship for what it has caused inside you, and to your life. You wanted commitment, marriage and family and previously he always had excuses.
Now that you have shared this, he is acting a lot better, gives you a lot more attention, and has even invited you to live with him! This is a positive sign...
I hope it's not too late, when you say "somehow it doesn't really matter anymore"?
Basically, I can see you are frustrated and angry about the time you have had to wait for him to "see the light"; the fact that you are fighting again because you want to be able to express your opinion too; and your unresolved feelings of forgiveness for all the times he has hurt you during fights when he hangs up on you, his bad actions or bad words. All this needs to be talked about. You say you don't believe he cheated on you, despite him living a life "like a single" all those years. It's because he could, and only you stopped yourself from living.
Yes, I believe there is a way to fix things. You need to be TRUE to YOURSELF, and TO HIM. You will need to share how in the past, and now in the present again, you have a lot of fights because you also want to express your opinion. You are also a person, who has rights and wants and needs. Someone who has input and insight and wants to contribute to the relationship. You should not avoid expressing your thoughts, feelings and needs to avoid fights, because then you lose yourself (again). You either need to be able to be yourself with him, or you can't be together if it requires you to change who you are, to be together.
He hasn't necessarily done anything wrong - you chose to change to avoid backlash, instead of talking, talking talking how you feel. Only when you say how you feel, can he adapt, change or consider your opinion too. Insist you need time for you too. That you need balance - special quality time spent with him, but also friends to relate to, to share things with, so that you are happier and have more to share with him. Make sure you have balance in your work, sport, hobbies, spiritual, family, friends, finances, etc. and HIM included. Not ONLY HIM. I know we all do it, but for it to be healthy and good, and happy, it needs to be balanced, with him as a priority, but still you being looked after.
It is not surprising you still love him. That is not in question, in fact, everything you denied yourself, etc is FOR HIM, exactly because you love him. But you need to LOVE YOURSELF first, and respect yourself, and put some boundaries to ensure you are also valued.
You may need a professional to help you, however try the heart to heart first, express EVERYTHING you have thought, felt and continue to feel now, and allow him time to absorb that, and to adapt/change with it. You say you love him, so you decide the next steps. Do you want to continue having him in your life? Then do so, but choose HOW you want to go forward. Marriage or living together - don't settle for second best or what you don't really want. It's time to look after YOU. What do you want? If you want him, how are you prepared to accept him? Then also stipulate the conditions for going forward - that you also want to be "heard" and that it can't always lead to fighting. You sound like me, a strong woman who has an opinion, but allow him to be the man! To be your hero. Share your thoughts, and choose your battles. Not everything is about us, or them.
Read books like "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" it will give you insight into how men think. What matters to them. How they communicate. What their love language is. It will give you new insight into apreciating what he does, in his own way. Also share with him what you value, and what you appreciate, so that he can do those things for you. Whether it's time to do what you like; whether it's things; people, whatever it is, share with him.
I hope you have a good heart to heart, begin to heal from the past and have a bright happy future ahead with the man you love.
Good Luck
Anony-mouse ;-)
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (28 May 2012):
 Hi
If you can't forgive him,even if you love him,its time to move on. You have lost yourself trying to please him over the years.Turned into his doormat instead of remaining independant and keeping your life and friends as well as him.
If all you do is argue and fall out, not like his behaviour,then you are on different pages, mis-matched people.He and you had different views on this relationship. You need to break free from him and find yourself again. Spend time being single,enjoying your friends and doing whatever you want. If you moved in with him it would be a big mistake and too little too late for you.
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