A
female
age
30-35,
*Girl91
writes:Hi there,I was hoping for some tips or pointers on how to build confidence after it goes down when being in a relationship.I have a wonderful boyfriend, from the moment he committed himself to me he has been honest, truthful, and nuturing. I could not ask for much more. But before we started dating he was very promiscuous, he has been with well over double the amount of men i have been with. Every single woman he is in contact with is an ex or an ex hook-up. He continued to hit on every woman he could at any chance he could up until he got together with me. He still occasionally talks to some of these women as well but as far as i can tell its innocent.These woman all range from nothing to worry about - good looking and a threat. I am a very confident young woman but all of this makes me feel not good enough for him and i am being upset and causing issues.Any tips??? THX :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2014): Did you tell him that it bothers you??You DON'T have a right to control who he talks to. You DO have a right to express how YOU feel and say something like, "I feel disrespected when you have private conversations with past lovers". Then the ball is in his court and he will decide if wants to talk to them or not. If he decides to stay friends with them, it's up to YOU to decide if you want to leave or stay.(Also, if you're in contact with any of your exes, then you're just being hypocritical. I wrote this with this assumption that you're not friends with your exes).Everyone has different thoughts on this, but, for what it's worth, I don't EVER stay friends with or talk to exes after a breakup. I feel that it only complicates things, and is disrespectful to future relationships. I don't want to deal with that stuff in a relationship and I don't want my future husband to deal with any of that either.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2014): Take it a day at a time. Be the best girlfriend you can be.
Patient, smart, fun, and loyal. Be sexy, independent, and have your own circle of friends, and things to do other than cling to your boyfriend.
Anyone can make a mistake or slip-up, including yourself.
Some cute guy, or an ex you used to know, might push your buttons. Never say never, it can happen. Too much eye-contact and smiley exchanges with other guys, just some innocent flirting. You can't guarantee that will never happen. You're a young and attractive woman.
You'll get male attention; so he has competition to be concerned about as well. Some big tough guys are pretty aggressive with their flirting; even with your boyfriend present. So he has to contend with that as well.
Being male doesn't mean he can't control his sexual urges, and it doesn't mean you shouldn't be alert to when there is inappropriate flirtation between him and his exes; or other females. Stay level-headed. Confident that if he screws up, you're not sticking around. You're a prize. Know that. He
must think so. Why'd he pick you?
You knew exactly the type of guy he was when you decided to commit. You jumped at the chance when he asked. He can't erase his past. The time to be leery and cautious about being in a commitment; is BEFORE you agree to it. NOT AFTERWARD!!!
Let him earn your trust. Have a talk with him and explain that you are aware of his past and all the girls.
You have decided to be exclusive and see no other guys. That includes excessive messaging. And any behavior that would betray his trust, jeopardize your relationship; or stress him out. You expect no... less... from...him!!!
Tell him what a commitment means to you, and what you want.
He can't read your mind. Tell him. That doesn't mean go into a long spiel about getting rid of his female friends and such. Limited contact is fair. Minimum of touching.
Tell him he has to earn your trust, and you will earn his.
When he spends a lot of time texting other females; let him know when the frequency is effecting you, and if it is disrespectful. Be honest, but not whiny. Be firm, not wimpy.
If you always have to be bitchy to make a point, you've got the wrong guy for you. That means he's a tool and too much work. Incompatible. Get rid of him.
If he spreads too much of his time between you and other females; you're considered part of a harem. Don't stand for that crap. Leave! If you have to beg him to change or behave? Face it. You've made a bad choice!
If you're bitchy without a damned good reason, "you're" incompatible. He'll probably dump you first.
Most women and girls write to DC; because they're jealous and possessive. Insecure about their looks compared to other girls. Their problem is low self-esteem. That isn't the guy's fault. He knew girls before you. He can't bury them all out in a field somewhere.
By the way, I didn't know you had to match ratios of past lovers. I only had 6 to your 16! Hold on...I've got to catch up!
Perhaps he's done sowing his wild oats. If they still like him, it's because he's not a jerk. They broke-up, or moved-on, on friendly terms.
Most guys will brag to have been with a lot of women to look studly and experienced. Some are just flirtations who always crushed on him; or friends of his exes. Don't judge by the numbers.
Most women don't want to admit how men guys they've had; to avoid being judged. You'll assume every pretty girl he's chummy with is an ex-lover. That's flattery in a guy's world. He'll accept it, even if it isn't true. We do exaggerate. Blame it on the male ego. I had her, her too,
yeah...and her! Liars!!!
If you are insecure about your looks and your body,
you're not ready for him, or any boyfriend. I hope the lady aunts put some emphasis on that; and not all pile up on the guy and what he should do. It goes two ways.
When you know a guy's history, you have to be prepared to deal with it; and be secure enough in yourself to live with your choices in men. You also have to be strong enough to walk away when he doesn't treat you the way you want and deserve to be treated. Not cling and whine like an idiot.
You didn't have to accept his request to be his girlfriend. It was voluntary; now you're having concerns AFTER confirming you are now a couple. No one on this site can talk you into having trust and feeling secure.
That's your job; because he's "your" boyfriend. We don't know either of you, nor what you're like. Part of the
agreement made in committing is trust. He's not just letting you borrow his time.
Just let the guy know what you consider disrespectful of your feelings. Get to know who the girls are, observe how they behave around him. Don't obsess over his past. Retro-active jealousy is an irrational insecurity. It will eat you from the inside out.
Insecurity kills relationships. You can't bind a relationship without trust. Commitment is a risk. You might get hurt. He might get hurt too. You might fall out of love; or be too insecure and jealous. Leave him, just on suspicion of the other girls; after stealing his heart.
You know you're a pretty girl. You know that he chose you above other girls. Give yourself credit. He doesn't get to keep you as a girlfriend; if he can't keep his exes at a comfortable distance. Ask him to treat you the way he wants to be treated. That includes when being around exes and other people. Let him know when you feel it isn't working,
you will leave.
Don't make idle-threats. Show him you aren't taking any sh*t, and don't make a big fuss. Just kick his ass to the curb, and move on; the minute you see signs of an assh*le.
There are two hearts at risk here. Not just yours!
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