A
male
age
41-50,
*aptaind
writes:I really need help people, im am in a mental and emotional dilemma that is eating me more and more everyday, and i dont know how much longer i can take it unless i get some advice to get over something.I read articles and articles, but i cant get any answers. Looks like this is the place.Ok heres the story.My girlfriend of 5 months, shes 20 years old. Gorgeous and amazing, we have so much in common. she loves everything i do, and is everything ive wanted in a girl. We love each other.Im 21, I race cars professionally and she is a huge supporter with me.Now we met back in March 2008 at a car show.We started hanging out alot. And our relationship grew. We were just friends. I noticed that she didnt have many female friends, she has one best friend who is a girl, but the rest of them are guys, and alot of guys, I looked passed that and in July when we shared our first kiss before I left for a racing trip for 2 weeks, and she really grabbed my attention. In that 2 week period we talked everyday, and she said she missed me like none other, i missed her a ton aswell. During that trip we talked online alot, and she asked about my sexual past (guys dont ever ask or tell, my tip of advice) and I asked her about hers.Now Ive been with 3 previously in which I told her.And when she shared her history she had 13 previous partners. Most of them were in highschool and she said when they did it she got nervous and had them pull out early. She shared a few of them and 1 guy was recent, Id say febuarary 2008 and was a friend of hers and she said he got her comfortable with sex again but it was kinda a one night stand thing. and I found out I know 2 of the other guys and 1 is a friend of mine and still is. who she slept with 2 years ago. This bothered me some becauce of the fact that their dicks have been inside of her and pleasured her, but it didnt eat me that much well it did, but i worked on getting over it.When I got back from the trip, she picked me up from the airport, and the next 10 days were amazing. We had sex, and it was great. I knew she texted alot of guys, as her phone was always going off, and she always went to car shows with her car and i was cool with it. We hung out every day, almost all day too. She was sort of a flirty girl, she would do a little bit of flirting with other guys, but not over the top to make me mad. Our relationship was pretty good, we were dating, and I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said no, she wanted to take things slow, shes not ready for another relationship yet just dating ( her last ex was in january), I didnt push her and continued. She started texting a pretty good friend of mine who she met at a car show, and they were just friends, they would go on group drives together alot, he in his car and her in her car, and it didnt bother me, they texted alot, but it wasnt anything sexually. Untill about 11 days after I got back. She worked at a store that closed late and she must have been talking to the guy alot, and well when I talked to her she said that she was going to go for a quick drive/race him up on a mountain road near us and come back, she said she would call me when she was back, well she never did end up calling me, and I got one of those gut feelings something was wrong. She finally called me at 5am and said she fell asleep and I could come over if I wanted to, her parents were traveling alot so she had the house to herself. I came over, and she was in her bed, but her top was off, she sometimes slept with her top of, but it was very very rare, during that day I got ahold of her phone, I know its not right, but I was curious, and I red the texts and saw a few that I found out was not good. I read a couple one from him which said, sorry if I made you uncomfortable last night, and she replied, dont worry about it. etc. I was ticked off and I texted the guy saying "are you proud of what you did last night" he acted dumb like what happend, and I knew something was up. She then approached me because he must have texted her, and she said that they pulled over on the drive and they kissed once and she said she was really sorry and appologized numerous times. I didnt know what the hell I should do, I was going to let her go, but I didnt and gave her a second chance. Things went pretty good after that, I wasnt to trustworthy of her, but I was slowly getting her trust back. My ex friend tried a few things to get her to go out with him she stopped having relations with the guy and focused on me. But I was still super pissed at the guy and finally met up with him to hear his story, I ended up kicking his ass not too bad, but to make a point, I got both stories and I never really will figure out what happend that night, I think they slept with each other, but she says no and he says no and their stories matched. I still dont know if they had sex or not, and I doubt I will ever know. She found out about the incident and got mad at me, we finally talked one night and that is when she shared with me that she had genital herpes, this botherd me alot, but I always wore protection with her, and i knew that the chances of catching it were very low for a guy around 4% per year if shes on mediacation and free of outbreaks, which she was. So that hit me a little hard, but I got over it. Then in August her ex boyfriend of 2 years the one that she broke up with in january was killed in a motorcycle accident. That devestated her as I think she had feelings for him still. Our relationship became somewhat choppy, those couple of weeks, we talked and texted everyday, and tried to see each other, but she was somewhat distant towards me, and she never came to me when she was grieving. My friend saw her the day she found out about the accident in a parking lot with another guy, she was crying on his shoulder, he was a friend of hers since april. She came to this biker guy friend of hers crying and not me, Which I understood she had feelings for me and her dead ex which would be hard to share, so I let her take time to grieve. A about a week before I saw her again. She wasnt as flirty with me etc, and it bothered me alot, but she wasnt cold, she was talkative with me and everything, I gave her a chance and let her deal with all the events in her life. Then around September she started hanging out with the biker guy alot more than usual. Her sister got married about a week later and she was busy with that so I let her be. And one day she invited me to come out to the drag strip and hang out like we usually did, I showed up, and the biker guy was there with his truck. they were hanging out and didnt show and physical flirting when I was around her, so I left them while they waited in the line for her to race, and I walked up to the stands, they couldnt see me, but I sure as hell could see them. And I saw them hugging, they were against the car secretly in line and they were kissing. I saw this multiple times. I was very very pissed, and I approached them and sure thing they acted distant, like nothing was going on between them. I didnt cause a scene and left, and she then texted me right after I left what was wrong, I replied, "I think you know whats wrong, I saw you two" "she said he just broke up with his ex and he doesnt know what he wants" and I sarcastically thanked her for cheating on me and said goodbye. the next day she texted me and appologized and said it would never happen again, the usual line. she wanted to meet up and talk, she was deeply saddened by what she did and she said that she would never do this to me again. I lost all my trust for her. A month passed by, she never hung out with another guy besides me, and I knew it because she met up with me right after work everyday. We hung out everyday and our relationship started growing again, she seemed really devoted to me. My trust started coming back for her. Our birthdays came up, mine was october 1 and hers was oct 3. She spent the whole day with me, and I had a great time with her, we started kissing again that day, Her birthday came up and I gave her an awsome birthday, i got her a couple expensive gifts she loved and took her to the grand prix track where I used to race, we had an amazing time. that night she left for her friends place up in college town to party, which kinda botherd me, but i got over it, she called me that night and everything was good and the next day she came over and we had sex (freaking forever since weve done it), it was really good, but she bled everywhere I think she was on her period because of the blood, inwhich I think she was embarrased about. It didnt bother me. After that day we kissed alot, but never had sex, but we started growing closer and closer. I started to get to know her family really well, her parents loved me. November rolled around and everything was awsome, we grew even closer than what we did in the summer. And Thanksgiving came up she invited me over for thanksgiving dinner with her family. It was great, that night we had sex again, and it was amazing. Things started getting really good once again, we were really really close, my trust for her was coming back. She never talked or texted any guys besides her gay friend and a few other guys that I wasnt worried about. I got her parents to get her a ski pass and we went non stop, and had sex almost everytime we went. Some night around that time, I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend. And she said yes, she would love to be my girlfriend. From that time on it has been amazing, we have grown totaly in love with each other. She barely texts any guys anymore and if she does they are either her best friend or some really close gay friends. Shes completly devoted to me. She then was diagnosed with MS (Multiple sclerosis) but wasnt too bad, her dad had it years ago then it went away. Christmas came around and it was amazing, had it at both places with both families, then a few days after that we were out to dinner and we were talking and somehow got into the discusion of her cheating on me etc, nothing too serious, but we talked about partners and then she told me that she had sex with the biker guy around the time I caught them at the dragstrip. I was dumbfounded and it hurt me, and she new it, but I didnt let it become a problem. Our sex life conintued to be amazing, and valentines day was amazing. She sometimes texts the biker guy, as sometimes i read the texts, but she always talkes about me and he asks to hang out, but she says no thank you and just focuses on me. She now always talks about how much she loves me, and that im the guy she wants to marry and have kids with. I tel her I love her too, and I really do, she has proved to me over 3 months of complete devotion. Im obviously not ready for marriage being the age of 21 and I wont for awhile, but she really does show me that she cares about me, shes always wanting to be with me and never hangs out with any other guy except me. But im here for reason and im here now typing this, but why am I typing this? Well because I am truley bothered and it has gotten worse in the past 3 weeks, there is something itching on my heart over somthing and I cant explain it.It bothers me more everyday that she has had 13 guys bang her, and me knowing 3 of them 1 being a good friend of mine, and 1 being that jackass biker guy.It bothers me that she has herpes in which she got from her ex as she says.It bothers me, that she cheated on me twice, even though she has truley proved her devotion to me.Everytime I see an amazing picture of her in highschool , shes dropp dead gorgeous all that comes to my eyes in my mind is her taking it from another guy. everytime I think about her, I my mind pictures her getting banged by another guy all those guys in highschool and the biker guy and my friend, it haunts the hell out of me, and its really bothering me. I cant stop thinking about it, and it has really gotten to me the past few weeks. Im trying everything in my power to get over it, but the images of her promiscuitiy and cheating me always come back.And im leaving in April for 20 days for germany to race in a series and im really worried that some temptation is going to come up and shes going cheat with a guy or meet some guy and have sex with him while im gone, because I belive that how much sex we are having now if im gone for 20 days she will be deprived of it and want sex bad enough to where she will sleep with another guy to get pleasure. Im truely worried, about this and all this is combining in my mind and my heart everyday, the weights increase, and Ive talked to her about this, and she says im the only guy she will ever focus on ever again and she loves me, but damn, I cant get over this, yet i cant break up with her, because it will devastate her and I would miss her soo much and her family loves me so much same with my family.So what im asking is some help, advice, your honest opinions. Anything. I need relief, becuase this hurt and rage im feeling over her sexual past and worry of my leave of absence is eating at me so horrifically bad i dont know how much longer i can take it.Please Help :(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rateyourlove0727  +, writes (26 February 2009):
BE IN CONTROL!!! Not all girls are the same and not what we expect them to be... your relationship with her has been really bumpy...but how come you guys are still together? It simply means THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE THIS CAN WORK!!! Like i said bro, BE IN CONTROL. Talk to her before leaving. Set certain guidelines on your relationship {no flirting, be open and transparent if meeting other people to hang out with, etc.} These "guidelines" will serve as a tool to control you and your girl's temptation to be w/ somebody else. Lastly, look her in the eye, like its your last, and tell her YOU LOVE HER. Women can see if we mean it. Again, if you do this she will remember you sincerity in your relationship as a couple and will wait for you to come back. It is not an easy process, but there are others like you, yet they somehow managed to salvage their relationship through months/years of love and trust. I Do not see any reason why yours will not work... It will...Then afterwards, plan a week-end getaway with her after you returned, its like a "present for being honest and loyal"... and she will remember it in her lifetime.
The images however is kinda tricky, because it is all in your head. Cupid77 is right, it is in the past. The way to unleash it from your head is....simply ask her why she had sex with all these guys? Was there any feelings? just one-night stand? By doing so, your mind will be open to the reasons why she hooked up with these guys. You will understand that better {that sometimes girls have sex with other guys to release problems or tensions or scared of something, wants protection}.... but guess what: She is not scared anymore, not problematic anymore, not tensed anymore because she has YOU! SAY TO HER THAT YOU TRUST HER AND TRY TO SECURE HER COMMITMENT OF TRUST AS WELL...with this, the images of those guys in your head will just make you laugh and make you say "it is not worth thinking, what a waste of time..." Let me know how it goes...
A
female
reader, cupid77 +, writes (26 February 2009):
 Her past is her past, and you chose to be with her regardless of her past. The number of guys that she has been with sounds like alot, but it was her past, and most of them were in high school and were probablly just one night stands after getting drunk at a party, and probablly didn't mean much to her. It may be hard knowing the number which is why you probablly shouldn't ask or tell in the future. ;) Anyways, at the beginning of your relationship she told you that she didn't want to be your boyfriend probablly because she wasn't ready to settle down. That is why she texted alot of guys and went out. Even if she kissed some and slept with the biker guy, that was before you two were committed (if I read that right). In your mind, you were together because you were committed to her and you were dating. In her mind she told you she didn't want to be your boyfriend. Even if she loved you, she wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship with you and you alone. Now that she has accepted to be your girlfriend, she has stopped the texting and hanging out with other guys. It seems like she is trying to be a girlfriend to you and you alone now. She is spending holidays with you, and doing family functions together. She has probablly done some growing up since her cheating times. You are probablly not planning on hooking up with someone else on your trip, so you might as well give her a chance to proove she can stay faithful to you. Keep in contact while you are gone, and if she cheats again for any reason and you find out about it then leave her. If you don't feel comfortable staying with her, that choice is yours to make. I'd probablly wait until you get back to break it off though, because if you think she'll cheat while you are gone, you will probablly find out since she doesn't delete her texts, or because if she does then the phone calls from guys will start up again. It's your call but I'd give her a chance since she sounds like she is changing for the better. Good Luck, have a nice trip to Germany & kick a** on the track!
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