A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey! Im just after a little bit of advice, so any would be appreciated :)!I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months, and he wanted to know everything about my past relationships etc, so I told him everything, how many people I had slept with, names etc and I was totally honest with him! (Ive slept with 11) So in return I asked him, however he couldnt remember he was like about 45, however my view is that's his past and therefore shouldn't affect our relationship! However his view is different, and when we argue he often brings up my past, but he can get quite nasty calling me a slag, n that when he thinks about it, I make him feel sick and I get quite upset about it :(! But then afterwards when everything is sorted he will say he didnt mean any of it, its just he was pissed off, however this hasnt just happened once and them thoughts often crop up in my head :(!Then lately he has checked my facebook wall/comments ppl have made on pics, these could have been made a year or more before we started going out, yet he will call me for them and that causes rows!I just dont know what to do, I try n get him to see it from my point of view, and this was all before I met him, and if i bring up his past, all i get is lads are different, yeah ive slept with alot of girls but so what, u know what to do if u dont like it!I love this guy....and want to get past all this, because when we are not arguing its fabulous and im the happiest ever!I just don't know how much of this I can take, as everything is my fault never his and its always me doing the apologising, because if I dont I know I ill lose him :( x
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male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (3 May 2011):
With your update I have to agree with the other advice, like Abella's. This guy really does seem like trouble.
I think you need to ask yourself, why have you fallen for such a bad guy? You deserve so much better.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 Hi
Any guy who wants to keep you a 'secret' is a guy who is "not really into you"
While his ex is dealing with the late stages of pregnancy he is seeing you on the side? This man is unbelievable. When the baby arrives he will be busy cooing over the baby and possibly get closer to his ex again. He will certainly want time with his baby.
What can I say, but please reconsider. This man is not worthy of you.
You received good advice from So Very Confused to end the relationship
Anonymous said he was a 'keeper NOT' and I agree
And I second that advice. There are wonderful kind loving genuine honest men in the world who do not cheat on their pregnant partner. They are out there and you deserve such an honorable honest man who does not cheat on his parter. If he will cheat on the mother of his child he will cheat on you. And that is just horrible hearbreak for you. This guy is not worth the trouble.
The fact that he keeps you a 'secret' sets off warning bells.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (2 May 2011):
I would say this... be honest with yourself, if this guy really is amazing in every way apart from this issue, and you truely believe he is "the one" then ask him frankly "what do you want me to do, so that you don't feel uncomfortable about my past".. get him to tell you exactly... and if you are happy with what he says, do it. Even if this means cutting out "friends" who you've had a past with. Tell him you're doing it because you love him and show him what you've done and then never bring up anything to do with these guys again.And then, once you've done this... I would expect for him to show that he is serious for you as well, by showing his commitment to being with you, and only you. I would expect that you guys should start making plans to move in together, become more serious etc.But I would say, if you do the above, but he is still angry and brings up your past... and makes you feel bad.. then perhaps you made a mistake, and this guy is not the one for you.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 May 2011):
i am of the opinion that who appealed to you before you met the current partner is of no relevance to your current relationship. If i was single and dating and a guy wanted an itemised list of any previous partners i would question his motivations in needing to know. You are not with the previous partner/s, so the previous partner/s no longer meet your needs. End of story. Who, when, why and the duration of any said relationship/s has as much relevance to your next relationship as listing what shape the clouds were, in the sky, over the past ten years every Tuesday at 2pm.
Utterly irrelevant.
Now if the real question is 'do you have any sexually transmitted diseases?' fine, get a blood test done.
But even a STD could be contracted from unprotected sex even if you had only one sexual encounter with one guy.
Or if the real question is how stable versus flighty are you - well number of sexual encounters will not prove or disprove that.
Personally i find the concept of guys asking for a detailed dossier on your previous sexual history as intrusive and none of their business.
And over and over and over again on Dear Cupid you will find that the type of guy who asks for all this information needs to stop being so Judgemental and start being more respectful with his partner.
If a guy has Abusive tendencies, and your boyfriend IS subjecting you to Verbal Abuse, then his behavior in unacceptable
Look up Verbal Abuse on google. Verbal abuse is often accompanied by psychological abuse and Controlling behavior. Checking up on you frequently, picking fights with you, calling you nasty names, funding fault with you are all indicators of an Abusive relationship.
Ah but i love him? You can love him as much as you want to, but if he has abusive tendencies, then he will get worse. And feel justified in doing and saying all the things he does to you, to hurt you.
Will he change? Unlikely. He will wear down your confidence in you. He will go on to belittle you and demean you, as time goes by. All this is not love. You may love him. But he gets his pleasure from trying to Control you to become his submissive play thing. Who he would discard in the blink of an eye if he thought someone more 'worthy' of him came along.
And insecure guys want to know who your previous partners were so they can justify who they are when they compare themselves to your previous partner/s.and it is stupid to be jealous of any of your previous relationships. Those guys are out of the picture.
It is sheer stupidity on the part of the guy to want to do this. Such guys beat themselves up trying all the time to find evidence that they ARE the BEST most magnificent partner you have ever had. So you will never leave them, because You Have Never Had It So GOOD. Because you are with them. Huh?? No..... They are never the legends they want to think they are. Instead such guys are infantile and immature. And potentially abusive.
you have invested a lot into this relationship and you have willingly done what you think will demonstrate how important he is to you. But now he is throwing at all back in your face.
Callling you a 'slag' is not how a kind, caring, respectful loving man behaves.
some guys really take the cake. They may have stopped counting (as far as their own sexual partners) at 100 liasons, when the real number was 150 plus for sexual partners for them. But that's ok in their book, because, well (cough, cough) they're guys.
But they'd prefer a virgin every time.
No wonder virgin reconstruction doctors are making a bonanza in income? Or if she's not a virgin they'd regard more than two previous sexual partners as clear evidence she is 'Easy' and thus hardly worthy of Mr Magnificance. But being he will give her a bit of his oh so very precious time, while it suits him. But the girl had better be reminded (by him) how lucky she is to have him.
No she is Not lucky! Not while he is behaving like a jerk.
It's the old double standard of immature men. They think it's just more evidence of what attractive men they are if they can secure the affection and sexual favors of seven different girls in the one week.
But woe betide any woman who had five different sexual partners in the last fifteen years.
Tell him to get over himself.
And if he can't get over himself, then you can reflect on how many indicators he already has of an ABUSIVE personality. And if you can endure him becoming more argumentative, verbally abusive and controlling in the future.
If you cannot face all that in the future then you may need to 'get over him'
e
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your advice :)Anonymous, its funny you should mention kids, he is having a baby with his ex which is due in a couple of months, and I have stood by him over that! But I keep thinking if it was the other way round would he have stuck by me.....n my heart is telling me he wouldnt of! Give him his due though he did tell me straight away when he found out, so I knew what I was getting into! He also hasnt told his family about me...says its because he doesnt want the baby getting stressed, and he was with his ex for 5yrs so doesnt think its right to say he met me a month or so after splitting up, so has kept me secret, he promises he is not with his ex and will not get back with her, but I think this could all change when the baby is born...I know you prob think im stupid, but im in love with this guy and just cant seem to let him go :s x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): wow. yeah he sounds like a real keeper. NOT! It would be one thing if he hadn't ever had sex with a girl and had problems with the fact that you had. But no, this is way different. He is being a straight up hypocrite. There is no reason for him to be treating you badly over something that you nor he could predict or change. You didn't know you'd be with him and he would have problems with this issue, and he wasn't even around when you were with those other guys, so it's not at all like you were unfaithful or he has any reason to be upset, aside from his own insecurities.
Don't let him mistreat you because of your past, because honey, his is far more complex and frankly, I'd be wanting names and making sure he doesn't have any kids running around with a headcount of 45!!! Best of luck to you, and stay strong and perhaps it will get better. If anything it should be YOU giving him the ultimatum. Tell him if he doesn't stop pestering you with this stuff that you will leave him. That's just advice from someone who doesn't know the whole story so I'm trying to give the best advice I can. :)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 May 2011):
 personally thing said in anger are often true and he will forever throw this up in your face
he has a double standard and I think you should consider ending the relationship.
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