A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my lady for about a year and half and have recently got engaged. She is perfect and I love her more than I could have imagined.There is a problem though, she enjoys sex but doesnt need it. I on the other hand feel like I am always wanting it, or some form of intimacy, so much so that it is causing an issue for me. I understand that this is my problem and not hers as this is an insecurity issue for me rather than for her. I feel that if she doesnt want me then there is something wrong, or I am not measuring up.I guess I am just used to ladies having the same sex drive or at least being incredibly obvious in showing me that they wanted me, and now I cant get it out of my head that the only reason anything happens is because I want it and she is doing it to make me happy. The more I think about it the more I want it and I just cant get enough! I guess this is because that feeling of being wanted is not there and I am searching for it.I should note that she had major hangups when it came to sex and feeling self conscious or that sex was dirty, a feeling that we have worked slowly on. It is driving me crazy. How can I get this all out of my head and just be happy? I am not sure how to communicate it to her or if I just need to work on my own rejection issues. Thoughts?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 June 2013):
 There's a glaring mistake in your submittal, and it is this: "....I understand that this is my problem and not hers...." WRONG!!!!!
It is BOTH your problems.... AND, if you and she can't come to grips with it... and figure out some mutually-agreeable resolution... THEN you are conscribing yourselves to a marriage that is doomed to failure.....
Open up the communication, NOW, before it is too late.... and the ONLY alternative is a messy divorce...
Good luck....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2013): Unfortunately, there are a lot of women who end up feeling self conscious and some sex being dirty because of what is all around us every single day. Unrealistic and for shock value porn is what boys are being raised on and think sex is, men talk up oral sex to be degrading to women instead of something healthy and good in a couple's sex life, and having to measure up to Photoshop, plastic surgery, etc., can really take a toll on a young women entering adulthood and beyond. By the time you can shake it, some get past it, and others struggle, or can't. Anyway, nobody "needs" to have sex, but it's healthy to want to have sex. It's important to make sure that there is not something medical going on for her lack of desire. Menstural cycles can play a big part of wanting it or not wanting it, which has nothing to do with their partner at all.Keep talking. Communication is so important. Try making sex all about her and see how that goes. Think only of pleasing her and see what happens. I'm not saying all the time, but just focus on what she likes and what she wants and maybe she will let her guard down a bit. Be careful of the words you use. For example, on occasion, when things are really heated up, my man says a few things that sound like they are coming out of a porn and it turns me off big time. I have no desire to "perform" like a movie and it makes me feel threatened and super self-conscious.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2013): OH you sound exactly like me! My boyfriend is the same as your girlfriend and it caused a lot of problems!! It's terrible because I am incredibly sexual person and he just doesn't need it, or wants his space! It's difficult and I understand how you feel when you want to feel loved and show it through sex but the harder they try the more you make them not want to have it with you... Terrible huh. What I do in this situation...Is I really had to work on my own rejection issues. It's still an issue. It's hard because I don't want to, like you must be feeling, begging him for sex all the time! But since your lady is feeling insecure and feeling that sex is dirty, why don't you try really REALLY relaxing her and catering to her needs. My boyfriend doesn't want sex when he is very stressed. So a clever way to please us both is a full body massage. I find that extremely intimate, being able to please him and make him feel good. Get her to lay on her stomach on the bed and give her a very long massage on her entire body, back, feet, arms, neck, even finger tips. Take a good half an hour at least to get her very relaxed. Ask her if it feels good. Where she would prefer it. Totally cater to making her feel good. Then I like to lightly start kissing his neck and run my fingers through his hair and give a complement "mm you smell so nice...". And kiss his lips softly. Once he starts getting into it a bit, back away so you can make her want more and start massaging again. Ask her to flip onto her back so you can massage her other side. Make sure you massage her cheeks where the chewing muscles are and the temples on the forehead and the temples of your eyes. Do this all while maybe listening to calming music she likes. So I don't get too detailed...eventually work her way down her legs... then up... and go from there!People are more submissive to making love when they feel relaxed and attractive and in a good mood and generally feel good about themselves.This works for me every time. And if she feels dirty then try leaving clothes on, telling her she is beautiful and that you love her, and make sure you are really trying to please HER. That should really do it!Good luck!No one deserves to be sex deprived!!!
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