A
male
age
41-50,
*r. Smith
writes:This is my situation... I am married and have a newborn child (4 months) but I can't stand the fact that my wife was what some might consider a "slut". She slept with 16 guys, slept with a married man regardless of her knowing that was his situation. After she told me all this (which honestly I didn't even ask) things changed. I feel "fooled" because I come from a conservative background and lived my life in a conservative way. I am not judging or treating her like "trash" similar to what some men do. Every day I give her my best, but regardless of how much effort I try to put so that I can still feel that my wife wasn't someones elses "booty call" or whore I continue to fail. It is very irritating that sometimes for example I want to do certain things in our intimacy that I always wanted to experiment but she bluntly said (in on occasion) I already did it once and did not like it, that really messed me up because I felt that I wasnt' good enough for her to do certaint things with me but some other man that only wanted her for her "pussy" was given that privelege???? It sucks to see tht my wife has a really "ugly" intimate past and that she has the mentality of "been there done that" forgetting that her husband wants to do those things with her.Another example is... sheonce told me she had sex with a random guy in a bathroom in a hotel...so me being the dumb ass asked her if we could do it in my car, she got all mad and said " do you think I am whore"...I didn't asnwer back but it felt horrible to see thatmy wife was willing to be some "guys" bitch but not for her husband???I am feeling bored and that I made a really bad mistake marrying her and worst giving her the privelege of being the mother of my first child.I need advice...please real objective advice!!!
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male
reader, Mr. Smith +, writes (19 November 2010):
Mr. Smith is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually before I posted my questions I was already getting counseling for this issue. Guess I just needed reassurance of my stupid and unnecesary behavior. Before I even posted the question here I was about to let things go and just be happy, but I decided to give it a shot and see what people told me...
So that being said I gues this chapter is finally closed and looking foward to many years of happiness and love with my dearly beloved wife!!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): Really? That's all it took for you to be happy was a bunch of advice from strangers? Was your reply for real? Have you worked things out? Spoken to your wife about your issues? Glad things are better!
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A
male
reader, Mr. Smith +, writes (18 November 2010):
Mr. Smith is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your words my friends... I have realyzed that I have been an immature prick and now I am happy with my wife!!!!
THANK YOU ALL!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): I don't see you being whiney, but I do think you have a lot of talking to do with your wife and a lot of thinking to do on your own. Her past is her past. She may have done things she didn't like back then, but it also doesn't sound like you guys have much in the way of intimacy. You have an infant-any mom out there can tell you that sex goes out the window for a while when a baby is in the house. You might just want to try building a good relationship with your wife. Do some nice things for her. Talk about what you want to try--she may have hated it in the past because it made her feel cheap or it was rushed or the person was awful at it and she didn't physically enjoy it, but if you want to do these things because you love her and find her attractive and want to share something special with her, it may change her opinion of that act if you express that to her. But give it a while--a baby is a lot of work and takes a lot out of women--all their libido is pulled into caring for the baby....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): So basically, most of you are saying that a man's choice to exercise any chastity or restraint does not deserve any respect.
If you respected that choice of lifestyle then you would also respect the OP's right to prefer the same kind of life partner. No ifs, ands, or buts.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): Hey, she didn't sleep with that many people. Really.
She slept with more than you did, that is true, I assume.
However, a point some of the responders don't see, is that you have waited to this point in your life to have "fun" sexually, and your wife has "had all that fun" and did it with "other guys" and now may not think it was fun and doesn't want to indulge your want for experiment.
That doesn't work out, she may have other issues to work on (rape, abuse, etc.)
Get a counselor to help you work on this stuff.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): I think that you are being extreemly harsh on your wife, and i am wondering if she is the one who has made a mistake in marriying a man who regards her as a slut.She obviously doesn't know you as well as she thinks either as she felt that she could talk to you about these things and is unaware of these awful feelings you are harbouring towards her.We all have a past and your comments about your wife giving other men "the privelage" of doing these thing with her sounds so selfish and whiney. Your wife is not an object that you own and if she doesn't want to do those things with you GET OVER IT. it's her body and her choice.Concentrate on your baby and for gods sake be honest with your wife about how you feel because it's only fair that she knows. She may feel that she doesn't want to be with you when your feelings come out in the open and then you can both move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): You are right but few of the answerers will admit it because of how inconvenient that is. They would rather tell you that you're wrong than say her deception was wrong and you are losing for it now.
If you would just stop demanding your right to know who you are marrying then the problem would go away (for your wife.) So that is what they expect of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): You kinda did man, look she's done those things before and if she didn't like them she won't want to do them again. There are probably lots of things she may not have done so maybe you can try those.
The thing is though man, she chose a guy with a conservative background, this tells me she's beyond the need for purely sexual gratification and experimentation. She married you for something different than that. Something more important, she wants to settle with you, a man she can love and be with for the rest of her life and you being sexually conservative was part of the package.
That's not to say you can't spice it up a little so there are ways you can do that, but your attitude is horrendous, it really is and frankly she's not going to want to do any of that stuff with you as long as you are that way about it.
You're not entitled to those things, neither were those guys, she chose to give them that and if you play your cards right and earn those things from her then she'll do it. She didn't marry you to pester her about sex and seriously women hate sex pests, especially if they're married to one.
Have a serious think about how you're going about this, read your question again and pretend it's someone else who wrote that. Do you really think that guy is approaching the subject from the correct perspective? One that will get him what he wants? No man, not at all.
She did lots of those things because they were fun and exciting well I seriously doubt she's done everything so try other fun and exciting things, but you have to make it seem casual and fun. Not an obligation, not a duty, that's how the other guys got that. If you push her she'll resist, you have to sell the idea better and make note of the things she isn't willing to try and not pester for those.
Most of all remember, she doesn't owe you anything you have to earn it.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 November 2010):
 I guess she didn't think some of the stuff you are asking her to do WAS fun. You may think it sounds like fun but apparently she doesn't. Why would you want her to do something that she doesn't like?
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A
male
reader, Mr. Smith +, writes (16 November 2010):
Mr. Smith is verified as being by the original poster of the questionListen... I came across the wrong way. What I meant was that why was it ok for my wife to do all those things with other men but me being her husband can't even ask her to have that sort of fun with me???
I am sorry but I do not judge her I think she is a good woman but why can't we try to experiment??? Why did she find neccesary for her to say the darned comment "been there done that"???? That is what bothers me!!!
I wantto have stories to tell with my wife and so far we have none as a couple just her sotires of previous flings and that I know for a fact that would make any man feel "unexcited" about his wife.
Sorry fi I came across like a "sexists" double standard prick
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Grow the heck up. You sound like a jealous 13 year old schoolboy who got his first girlfriend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Wow I don't know what to say to you without being offensive.
You say you can't stand the idea of her being a whore with other guys but you find it perfectly acceptable to treat her like one, to ask her to act like a whore for you. How does that make sense to you?
She chose to marry you because you weren't one of those guys, you respected and loved her more than those assholes, she made her youthful mistakes, she had her experimentation and now you feel like a small man because you didn't do those things and now you're trying to treat her the way they did. Trying to get her to make up for your own non adventurous sexual history. Al the time calling her a whore and a bitch. Yes you did call her those things, read your question again.
You're bitter and resentful of a past that has nothing got to do with you.
Of course she can turn around and say been there, done that and I don't want to do it again. It's like having a certain food once and deciding you find it disgusting, are you really going to force her to eat that food again because she never ate that food with you?
You want my honest opinion, you're acting like a petulant child and throwing your toys out of the pram because the kid over there has an ice cream and your mommy won't buy you one. Grow up man.
Normally I'd sympathize with someone with retro-jealousy it can be a hard thing to bare but yours is not a simple case of retro jealousy, you're actually treating your wife like a bitch because for some reason you think she is now. You know what dude? that's not on. You're basically becoming the very thing you stated you hate, the very concept of her doing those things is hard for you to bare but then you turn around and try to be one of those guys, you now want to force her to do that stuff for you because you seem to think you're entitled to treat her as a piece of meat now, as some kind of punishment for her past, are you for real?
What the hell gives you the right to treat her like a slut now? You say you come from a conservative background so it is normal to punish the ones you love for their past sexual history? Is that being conservative entails?
You know what, I think you're more jealous that she got have fun when she was young, yes she had lots of good sex, she did lots of different things sexually and most of the time she had a great time. You could have too but you chose not to. She chose you because you were like who you are, you're probably normally a really good guy, with a deep loving nature, highly respectful of her and her needs. But you've changed into a bitter little boy over something that doesn't even concern you. You're going to destroy a marriage for something that has no bearing on you. No it's not wrong to be retro jealous, most of us guys are, we're designed that way, but you're now treating her like a whore, you now think she's unworthy of you unless she gives you those things too. That's just pathetic.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 Avoid it as much as you like but you are already being judgmental so do not deny it. Does she regret doing those things? Perhaps that is why she felt she needed to tell you and perhaps that is why she felt somewhat offended that you would suggest having sex in your car as if she was still in that period of her life. You already seem to think of her as nothing more than a harlot. She is your WIFE so I think it best for you to start treating her as such, nothing less. You fell in love with her for who she is, not who she slept with or who she did not sleep with. I suggest you cease focusing on her sexual past and start focusing on the emotion that you are supposed to share with each other.
I was astounded when you said "it felt horrible to see thatmy wife was willing to be some "guys" bitch but not for her husband???". You want her to be your 'bitch'? THAT IS NOT HOW A HUSBAND SHOULD THINK OF HIS WIFE! Now you wish to end this marriage because you are "feeling bored"? How dare you treat this marriage in such a despicable way, perhaps it is you who do not deserve to father this child. You take offense to that statement? Now you know what it is to be treated as less. So I suggest you change your mentality and treat your wife with a little respect and dignity for who she IS and not who she used to be, stop being intimately selfish. Sex is supposed to be something you both enjoy so try other things. There are a multitude of things she may not have done before. Have you ever heard of the Kama Sutra?
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): ~TRUE LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL~
Your wife's past is precisely that...be it sexual, financial, professional, emotional, etc...LEAVE IT THERE!
Do not hold your wife's past against her, as it cannot be changed. Take a look back into your past and you too will discover past behaviors of your own that you would find deplorable were they unrelated to yourself.
If you're going to keeping belittling her or maintaining that she's beneath you due to her past then leave her because it's cruel what you're unfairly and judgementally holding above her head.
And with respect to your feelings regarding her reactions for certain sexual activities, talk to her about this being certain not to attack her.
STOP THINKING YOU'RE ABOVE YOUR WIFE. YOU'RE NOT!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 Wow slow down a minute. Hey everyone has a past and some regret there past and others dont. Ok so she slept with quite a few guys growing up this doesnt make her a slut or doesnt mean that she doesnt need to be treated with respect. Sounds like you are jelous that she has had more experience sexually than you have you need to get over her past and move on. Everyone has a past but it should be the present that matters now to you and the future you werent in her life when she used to be with these guys so it shouldnt bother you, she is yours now and its not like she is going around behind your back sleeping with other men.
Ok so there are somethings she doesnt want to try with you because she has experienced it and doesnt like it well you need to respect that she wouldnt be comfortable with that, as for asking her did she want sex in the car, it might of hit a nerve with her because she probably thinks that you think she is a slut. She was young when she tried these things with other men, she has matured now and she has settled down with you and you have a young child now so start concentrating on your family and your new baby.
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