A
male
age
41-50,
*inky75
writes:I have a question on confidence lost for a man after my wife of 20 years cheated on me.Basically we had been together for 20 years, I was 17 when we met, she was 16.About 2 and a half years ago she cheated on me with an old friend of hers. This went on for 8 months until I caught her reading an email and unable to shut it down quick enough.I really have loved her the whole time we were together and our sex life was enjoyable to both of us. my friends felt I loved her to much. I did put her on a pedestal as I totally trusted and respected her so much.We separated about a year and a half ago.I have really and truly lost my confidence in sex.I find a lot of woman want sex but I find it difficult because I want to know them properly and take it really slow.Am I actually attempting to date or even think about sex before I'm ready.I also have two children 11 and 8 which I have with me 50 percent of the time. I know I need to move on, life is to short and my children are fantastic.I have never needed external confidence boosting, I had just felt confident within myself and in my own abilities, casual sex is not really something I like as it seems hollow to me.
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cheated on me, confidence, move on, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (16 April 2014):
 I totally understand not wanting to do anyying but be with the kids where you know you are loved.
The sex thing? It will happen, don't microwave it, if you are not feeling a girl you are not feeling her.
You are a divorcee. A passionate loving man who was a good husband and now a divorcee, no fault of his own.
Trust your gutt. If it says no dating now then f*ck what the rest of us think. No one knows like us divorcee's that life is just too short.
No faking. You've had enough of fake. When you're ready to make love, you will. Your soul needs to chill now. Give it that.
A
male
reader, minky75 +, writes (7 April 2014):
minky75 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for all your kind words and help.I suppose its not easy to understand whats going on with me, i currently only feel like spending time with my children and friends.i didnt add that i met a girl about 5 months after my original break up and that turned out very heavy, she was frustrated at my feelings of not wanting to commit even though i told her i was not ready. she persisted to chase me and in the end i totally broke it off and she went really crazy about it.i have not fully regained my interest in work and other aspects of my life.The doctor and therapist i spoke to feels i need to get out and date girls, that what ive tried but it seems to become to heavy to quick and leaves me feeling anxious.my interest in females sexually is a bit low and it does concern me, i want a relationship again and i want to enjoy sex again.i have just seen the doctor about this issue and i was sent for a blood test.
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A
female
reader, agneeman +, writes (31 March 2014):
I was with ex husb since I was 17 and he was 16. He was never faithful. We were only married for 1/10 of the time you were.
I am so sorry about this.
Please know that casual sex can heal, and it does not have to be hollow. I found that the tenderness I always wanted, the kindness and the freedom I didn't know I never had, were to be found in casual sex it makes me feel beautiful, and yet I do not have to fear bringing baggage into a relationship.
Thia is because our connection may not be in monogamy or in marriage or even love (though I love him) but it is based in respect. Mutual respect.
And because I set a limit to the number of times I could be with him, I am free to give what ever my heart wants.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (31 March 2014):
 For me casual sex is the best thing to gain sexual confidence. Bad of your wife to cheat. Do what you think is best and get counseling if needed. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2014): I can totally understand where you are coming from, as someone in a slightly similar position. I caught my partner sending some pretty descriptive emails and messages with someone she knew before she met me.
I can honestly say it does knock you for six, I am still with her but honestly there is always that thing at the back of your mind. Is she at it again.
Take your time, there is no point rushing or having meaningless sex, don't look at yourself as at fault, maybe you were or maybe you weren't it does no good to dwell on it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2014): You may need counseling in order to move on. You are still suffering from your grief; which can cause some impotency and lower your sex-drive. You're still getting over a relationship spanning two decades.
You are also attributing your wife's infidelity to your sexual-inadequacy. That might have been part of it; but there was also a loss in communication. You've known each other all your adult-lives; and never actually had real relationships with any other people.
My good man, we always want to fault ourselves in someway when a relationship fails. What could I have done better, am I not good enough, what was I missing? How could she love me and do this to me? Did she really love me, or was it all just a big fat lie? All or none of the above. You're now divorced, and it doesn't matter anymore.
Often all the signs are there. She may have tried to tell you. Denial and resistance to criticism, sometimes shields us from painful or uncomfortable facts about ourselves; or if our partner is unhappy for any reason. Sometimes people who have been together since childhood get into a sexual rut. There is almost a brother and sister connection. The love is there; but it becomes more family-like, and less romantic in nature. Maybe one partner just gets bored with having known only one sexual-partner. They want to venture out.
You are now divorced; so it is too late to allow those things to haunt you now. Therapy will help you to recover from your grief for the loss, and to continue your healing process. It is still somewhat delayed; because you are blaming yourself for being sexually inadequate. How can that be the only reason?
Think back at all the disagreements, arguments, and other marital conflicts. Put them all together. Buddy, it wasn't all just about sex. You went through your marriage with shutters over your eyes. Seeing only what you wanted to see.
You must see the bigger-picture, not just some aspect of it. She may not have all the perfect qualities you placed upon her; when you idolized her, and placed her up on a pedestal. Humans make mistakes, and we disappoint. We destroy trust, and we break people's hearts. She has faults, and so do you.
I think professional-therapy will help you get a handle on it. Don't push yourself on women. Stop placing so much emphasis on sex; as your only way to relate to women.
The only thing that makes you a man. You are still immature to some degree; in spite of your age. Sexual-confidence is all in your head. Not based on penal-size, stud-liness, or any other mythical qualities.
Let it all come to you naturally and when your mind wants it. Stop fretting about it. You're still in the healing process; but you're also hung-up on trying to find reasons and place blame.
You're far past that phase. Finding reasons should have been during the time you were sensing something going wrong in your marriage. Everybody knows when things aren't right. Denial, or flat out refusal to face the facts; is the only reason we couldn't know. Sweeping everything under the rug, and not listening. Trying too hard to make things appear perfect; even if you had to ignore the imperfections.
Truthfully; you haven't really allowed yourself to come to terms. One reason being the need to punish her. It isn't a conscious need, it's buried deep inside. You want to punish her for crushing what you perceived as perfection, allowing another man to take your place in her bed, and wondering if the other guy was just that much better in bed than you are. It was somewhat emasculating. Then some degree of retroactive jealousy has possessed you. Playing it over and over in your mind until you can't perform yourself. It has become an obsession.
Therapy and just dating without sexual-pressure is all you need. Just enjoy the company of women. Allow yourself to enjoy pleasure beyond just sexual-attraction for them.
You've been intimate with one woman so long; you still won't allow yourself to be intimate with another, feeling like you're cheating on your wife. Mentally, that registers badly; because you have been so-conditioned not to cheat.
When my partner of 28-years passed away. It took me a few years not to feel like I was cheating when I was with other people. It didn't stop me from having sex, it just didn't allow me to fully enjoy and absorb the pleasure without guilt. I shutdown a part of me that allowed me to. Until someone came along and was able to unlock that part of me.
It ended, but I'm grateful for that jolt to the heart muscle. The re-awakening of that part of me.
If you're stifled in that area, you need to do some introspection; and determine what it is keeping you so jaded and angry at women; that you don't want to be intimate.
You don't want to let them in; because you feel it will all end as your marriage did. My friend, these other women are not her. They are totally unaffiliated, and are only responsible with how they feel about you; and how they treat you. Women are not of a collective-soul; they are individuals.
Give yourself time. Continue dating until the one special person comes along that reaches the part of you laying silently dormant. You just haven't met anyone like that yet. Give it time, and it will happen. Just get the therapy to prepare you; and remove the mental-obstacles not allowing you to feel, move on, and regain your balance as a man.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2014): I think you need the sex to build your confudence but I understand where your comeing from about meaningless sex. You need to date on the terms your not loking for someing as a forever relationship but instead you ned to actualy date and get to know the person befor doing the act. Get to know the girl as a friend and take her out a few times. Just enjoy the company. What you ned is a friend with benafits who you can spend time getting to know first. Just let that be known meany girls will be open to this and respect you for it ass well. You never know the girl you date may just become a permanent thing
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 March 2014):
 Cheating will do that to a person it will wreck there confidence in themselves, people don't realize the damage that they do and I am sorry that this has happened to you. You need to rebuild your life again and be happy again. It does take time to do this.
Have you thought about going to a counselor? Many people feel to proud to talk to a therapist but believe me they can help you rebuild your life. Its good that you still see your children but you need to have a life for yourself also.
It is harder to start over again after a marriage break up, especially when you have children and you didn't want the marriage to end.
Start going out and meeting people. Do things that you like to do, activities that you enjoy. Maybe even join a internet dating website. Take things slow. Don't think about sex or anything to heavy. Just relax and enjoy yourself. State to anyone you meet that you are looking to date but that you have been hurt and you want to take it slow. If they don't understand well then they are not the right woman for you.
It does take time but you will get through this and lead a happy life again. Good luck.
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