A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:In November last year, I had a huge fight with my boyfriend where he then went out and got drunk.. Kissed another girl and took her number. The fight had started because I snooped on him and accused him for a whole year of still having feelings for his ex and being suspicious of him. Reality, I brought her up a lot in jealousy and made him think about her a lot and he was checking up on her in FB almost everyday. (I was in therapy for extreme insecurity and anxiety due to things from before him). So, he got so angry and frustrated that he went out and did the one thing I was afraid of - cheated. He only kissed the girl and while I was extremely hurt., I decided that my suspiciousness had a lot to play in this even though he took full responsibility for his actions. We decided to work things out.Since then, I have come to a point where I realise how much he does really love me. He's kind, cares about my happiness, and affectionate and we get along really well and have similar goals in life. He has told me that he wants to spend his life with me. Thing is, he was always like this with me but I refused to believe it - my mentAlity had been: "why would anyone love me and be nice to me? Something's not right here". I have caught him out in a handful wig white lies, he knows these are cowardly though as he does it to avoid possible confrontation.So these days, while I understand he loves me. Has promised never to hurt me again because he doesn't want to lose me and is ashamed of what he did, I still get feeling of old insecurities and fear. I get moments of thoughts like these: "what if he cheats again, what if he always cheats and I only found out once, does he compare me to his ex? Do I do things to remind him of her? Does he lie about big things?" And it goes on...How do I just let these go and enjoy my relationship?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 March 2014):
 It will be difficult to let these feelings go if you have nothing else to grab on to. So learn to substitute the negative with something positive. Instead of worrying about what someone else might do, come up with a plan for what YOU can do if and when that happens.
That and always picture alternatives. That doesn't mean you have to act on all of them. If all of your thoughts and dreams are wrapped up in one person then you'll be vulnerable to the whims and weaknesses of that person.
Expecting others to never hurt you is unrealistic and it sets you up as a victim for life. Instead of simply speaking up for what you want you're trying to manipulate others into giving it to you as a penance. If this is what you're counting on to be secure with your boyfriend, you have just cause to be concerned because eventually he is going to get tired of owing you.
Ultimately trust issues are not about a lack of trust in others but a lack of trust in oneself. If you could rely on YOU to make better decisions (no matter how difficult) you wouldn't have to rely so heavily on others to always do the right thing.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (30 March 2014):
 If you are finding it difficult to cope then go back to therapy, it could also benefit you both if you went to couples therapy to work out your issues. Yes you may feel better than you once did, but the feelings are still there, and now that he has cheated it is just going to keep nagging at the back off your head. I think it would work well for you both going to see someone to help with these issues in your relationship.
Being insecure is not a nice feeling and it often is the reason why relationships end as a partner just cannot deal with the constant negativity. Its not healthy for you or your relationship. It is good that you have overcome feeling that he doesn't love you. So just keep reminding yourself how good he is to you and how he treats you.
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