A
male
age
36-40,
LittleAlfie
writes:Downtown is quiet today. Of course, there is the light roar of a car passing on the street behind me, but overlooking the river, feeling the warm wind around me, and hearing the slap of the water against it's banks, this may as well be a tranquil beach. This is the scene I've found myself a part of. Alone. Perhaps I came here to read a new book, soul-search, find the beauty in an everyday scene, or possibly, to sweat out the toxins of transgressions past. Whatever the reason, I find myself writing this article. As controversial such a topic as cheating is, I figure, personally, it's the only and best article to start with - a "write-what-you-know" sort of thing. I understand many people will automatically close off to this, and it may really do harm to my ratings. However, if there is at least one person who finds what I have to say consoling, it's worth it. For those reading who have found themselves cheating, habitually or not, or have been hurt by a cheater, I encourage you to read this thoroughly. There is hope for you. And, for those who are of the "tigers can't change their stripes" school of thought, I merely ask that you keep an open mind, and reserve judgement until you've finished reading. What is life as a cheater? What is it like to suffer the mental addiction to the rush you get when you find something thrilling? The only and plainest answer: lonely. But these questions are not what this article is intended to address. What's most important now is how do you move past it? How do you "detox" yourself of your own shortcomings? How do you ask forgiveness? Forgive yourself? Find happiness? How do you change?Change. It's such a simple word, but it holds so much potential, don't you think? Odds are you've heard it said, "People don't change." In fact, if you've encountered people like me, you've come to believe it, and may even speak it as a mantra. What if we viewed things from a different angle. People love to label us. Brand us (cheaters, liars, pigs), put us in a box, mark it untouchable, and try to bury that box far away so no one can ever come into close proximity. Perhaps, if you're guilty, you've done this to yourself. We must remember, though, that we're people, after all. Human beings that, regardless of what you choose to believe, are capable, at any given moment, of absolutely anything. There's simply no denying that fact, and to think otherwise is basic naivety. Now, in our society, good actions account for much of how we view people. Unfortunately, were each action on a point system, bad actions count for six times as many good. In other words, if a saint sins, that blot can ruin his virtue in the eyes of others. It's not fair, but it's the world we live in. It's far easier to see the evil in people an label them accordingly than it is to see good. Because, to really see the good, we have to make an effort to know a person on a deeper level. Let's put this idea into practice. I cheated, more than once, on the woman I love. "BOO!" "Hiss!""You couldn't have loved her!"Blah. Blah. Blah. The fact is, not knowing me, or her, for that matter, you can never know that for sure. The simplest fact is that I lost control of myself. Love doesn't act as a supernatural force that prevents us from doing harm. Nor does it act as a bandage to cover our gaping personal scars. It won't take the cigarette from your lips. It won't knock the bottle from your hand. It will not break your bad habits. What it will do is tie you to someone forever, if you find yourself in the small 1% of people who find your soulmate. A pressing question that needs answering is why did you cheat? Everyone has different reasons, and they're not always easy to uncover. It's taken a lot of time of self-reflection to even scratch the surface of my reasons. My relationship was full of love. She was the first person I thought of in the morning, in the evenings, and throughout my day. I was there for her, and she for me. We had a mutual understanding of one another. We always met on a common ground, even through disagreements, and cared for each other very deeply. So why, or how, could I do what I did?What sort of cheater would I be without underlying self esteem issues and impulse control problems? As arrogant as I may have seemed, I'm really just afraid. Afraid of success, love, and myself. You see, my track record of cheating has been as long as the arm of God Himself. Why would I deserve any loving relationship? These thoughts can really bring a person down, regardless of how much love is felt for another. And why can't I share these feelings of fear and inadequacy with the love of my life? If you don't feel you deserve someone in the first place, why would you jeopardize what you do have with such neediness? It seems counter productive to do so. The fact we have to accept is that there is no rationalization to that thought process. But even still, couple that downtrodden feeling with a problem controlling impulsive actions, and tie it together with that "healing" rush of dopamine associated with satisfying an impulse, and you've got a recipe for a cheater. Even one who's in love Now, you may be thinking "What BS rationalizations and excuses." I can't say with certainty if that's narrow-mindedness or just plain bitterness talking, but I can assure you that my intentions are not to claim what I did was justifiable, right, logical, or even redeemable, but that won't stop me from searching for understanding, from myself and others, holding onto hope, or working for redemption. My mistakes cost me the only person I've ever loved. I understand and accept the consequences of my actions. Most cheaters do. But what we seem to consistently fail to realize is that it doesn't have to be a pattern in our lives. No, what typically happens in cases like mine is we find ourselves at a loss, depressed, and so we, once again, act out impulsively. We'll do anything for that mental high to lift us out of our slump. But this is only a temporary stop measure that ultimately leads to failure, and perpetuates the constant cycle of abuse to ourselves and the one we care about. Now, before I talk about how we cheaters can change, I would like to make a side note. As I've said before, you nay-sayers are more a part of the problem rather than you are of the solution. You brand us in a way that allows little to no hope for change or redemption, yet complain because we won't. While I will say it is ultimately up to no one but ourselves to change, you do no one good with your constant knock downs and closed ended statements. You only add to the permanence of our stain on love in society. So, you've cheated. How do we change? First, we must admit openly to our problems and truly accept what it has cost us. A lot of our problem is our self serving desire for immediate gratification. Attempting to get back the one you lost is simply a form of that which you must resist. You've broken your partner's trust, their heart, and more than likely, their spirit. Their positive outlook is shattered, and it is your fault. Accept it. Feel that guilt, because it's a sign of remorse and will remind you of your own humanity. And after all, you're capable of anything. Even change. Even redemption. Once you've accepted your loss, focus on what you did and why. Realize that the problem is inside you, and start addressing it. You probably have a lot of apologizing to do. Do it. Do NOT make excuses. In fact, the more you rationalize your actions, the more likely you are to repeat your past mistakes. Odds are, you'll have a lot of hurtful things said to you during your apology and even after. Expect that all the way through your efforts at change, but you need to remember and understand that you probably deserve to hear these things, so avoid getting upset and lashing out. You'll do more harm than good that way. Your honor is gone now, after all, so there's no sense in defending it. Your loved one has a lot of anger to let out, so, for a change, be there for them, and let them express that rage. So the next step is an inner one. After a lot of self reflection, you've found the problem inside you, so attack it head on. Use the guilt you're carrying to push you. Avoid trigger points that may lead you into the arms of someone you don't truly care about. Do NOT throw yourself back into the dating scene. You're not ready yet, especially if you're still in love with the one you hurt. And I assume you are, or you wouldn't care to change. Personally, I'm using a "healthy inside and out" approach to exercise my demons. I'm quitting smoking, drinking, and am literally exercising a lot. Avoiding things like fast food, nicotine, alcohol, or other toxins goes a long way in curbing the impulse to satiate immediate gratification. Exercising can not only show you that you can be greatly and personally rewarded for a long term effort, the same rush of endorphins is just as satisfying as when you were out seeking the thrill of another sexual endeavor, if not moreso. Another suggestion is to get rid of social networking sites. They can easily lead you into searching for your next victim and removing essential personal connections. Besides, you need to find a way to put your past behind you, and anything about you that is easily accessible online is the simplest way to allow your past to butt it's way back into your new life. Finally, there are a rare few out there who have been hurt by cheaters, but you can't deny still loving them, even amidst your anger. That's normal. After all, even with lies and disrespect, you may feel your love was still based on something real. It's up to you to figure out if being with the person going through changes, if your love and relationship, is still worth it. If not, then that's understandable. Move on, and don't look back. But if you should find yourself in that small percent of lucky couples who overcome everything, then there's hope. Understand that your partner has a lot of changes to undergo, and it's best they see it through alone. Being with that person in the beginning of their process will only undo everything they're trying to achieve. They need to realize that they can't have you simply because you both want it. If you do go back to one another, it needs to be for the right reasons, not because you're lonely without one another. In fact, being alone is necessary to rebuilding one's inner self. Don't be afraid of your time apart. If you're truly tied together with love, no one else will be able to enter the picture. It would go against their new principles and both of your hearts. It's okay to remain friendly. Telling them you believe they can be a better person in time will go a really long way in the end.Be patient. Time heals all, but what it can not do is unbind true love's knot. Do not despair. All things done in love are possible, and anyone, at any given time, is capable of anything. **I, of course, am willing to answer any questions via my message box or the commer wall concerning this article or if you need any more advice.
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female
reader, Pinguina1 +, writes (12 December 2010):
 Hello LittleAlfie, let me say that your words have brought a little hope to my painful life. I want to tell you that 2 months ago I made the biggest mistake of my life. I was in a long distance relationship for 3 years and 10 months with a man that I though he was the perfect person for me. A few months ago, we started fighting almost everyday about things that now I consider dumb. We decided to take a break for a few days to see how things worked. I found “comfort” in the words of a colleague and suddenly I began to feel attracted to that person to the point that I spent almost everyday with him. I left the “thrilling” and dopamine take over me and I cheated on my boyfriend. I made the mistake of my life telling my boyfriend that I didn’t love him and that I was confused. After all that mess, I realized that I was living a vain dream with that person and that person didn’t really loved me as my boyfriend. Sadly, I opened my eyes too late. I ask for forgiveness a million times and I try to fix things with my boyfriend (we reconcile for a month), but he decided that he couldn’t bear the pain and that he deserved something better than me. I confessed everything that happened and I beg for forgiveness, but he didn’t want to even think about me anymore. I want to make myself believe that deep down inside, he still loves me. But his is sure that he doesn’t want anything from me and he deserves someone better, who doesn’t harm him as I did. I beg for mercy and now I feel with no self-esteem and no respect for myself. Sometimes I even wish to die and ideas came through my mind of remorse and sadness. I regret and ask myself the same question, why did I do it? I wish to go back through time, every single moment of my life. I can’t bear with the pain, so I seek for pity and sympathy from the people around me. Regardless of everything I still have hope that someday I will get his forgiveness. Right now, I just think and think why did I fail? Is there hope for me? Is there love for me? Will I ever be loved again? Why love is so painful?
Once again I get the same answers: “People make mistakes, everybody deserves a second chance”. Yet, I still find that hard to believe and I only wish that all my suffering lead to his happiness.
A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (27 September 2010):
 I wish you the very best. I think it was really brave of you to open up and tell us the things you have. I do bellieve in second chances. In fact I believe in 3rd and 4th chances, but it is harder to believe in them when you are the wronged party.
Not just in relationships but in a lot of things in life, we are not really fair to each other. When it is us, we want you to forgive, and hopefully forget. But when it is you that did me wrong, I keep a running tally, and I will NEVER forget! lol
In relationships this is only magnified.
I wish you the very best! and keep us posted how you are doing. If you need a shoulder or a ear, or just a place to vent...we are here.
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