A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Recently my wife lost a close family member and I would just like some advice on how to be there for her and how to try and cheer her up and also what to say to her in situations like the one I was in yesterday, heres what happened. Her mum came round to see how she was and was there when I got up and they were just talking and my wife was doing some ironing and seemed ok and was until later on. She's a teacher and although they have given her some time off her class and the others in that year are doing something really important so although they have a supply teacher she is still having to mark it. Anyway she was just sitting there and I could tell she was thinking about him anyway about 10 minutes later she started to mark some of the work they had already done. She was watching tv at the same time and she wasn't exactly crying for anyone to notice but when she looks upset anyway and had tears in her eyes and she kept wiping them it was pretty obvious. She kept saying she was fine and carried on with the work. I later on told her to put it down because she was getting worse and she kept saying she was fine and no mater what I said she kept saying she was fine so I left it and went and sat with her and about 5 minutes later she burst into tears. That was just the start of it. Later that night she was doing a job that really needed both of us to be doing together and I told her to wait until after I had done my work then I would do it with her but no does she listen? I decided to go up and see how she was doing and she was doing fine except her hands were shaking and she was still crying, I told her to stop and put it down because she shouldn't be doing stuff like this while she's like this but she was very determined to get it done and she just got worse. Anyway to cut a long story short I ended up making her try just to get to stop and talk to me. She knows I didn't mean to snap at her I just lost my patience because she shouldn't have been doing it and after that she just broke down I couldn't even get her to stand up. She says she doesn't like getting upset in front of me because she's embarrassed and afraid I'll get sick of her and that's not true. She's also admitted she's afraid of losing me thinking I'm going to leave her. How can I show her I'm not. Sorry there's quite a few questions in here but please can you give me some advice. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, lboy +, writes (9 July 2007):
 dear reader,i was just like her when i lost my grandmother my family tried to help me but i didn't want to talk because it hurts to talk just one day wake up before her make you both a cuppa tea or coffee call her work and say she is ill or summat and then go up and lie down in bed nxt to her and wait when she wakes up dont say anything just give her, her cuppa and hold her in your arms if she starts to cry just let her or if u can tell she wants to cry but she is holding it back then just say in a calm and content voice 'it's ok to cry' and just let her cry just comfort her dont talk just comfort her she will talk to you when she is ready just give her some time to grieve and adjust to this big change in her life. just think if you where in her situation you would want to be alone you would want some time to think just give her that. she will be different for a while and wont be up for as much fun but she will get better in time, loss is not like a cough or a cold it doesn't go away she will always feel the pain of loss deep inside but she will soon accept that the person has moved and that they will be happy and safe where they are now.good lucklboyxxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2007): Hi darling,
First my condolences for your loss.
Oh I can see where your wife is coming from so very clearly I went through this last year and still do get like it now and again, its been a year since I lost my best friend. I thought just the same I was scared of loosing my fiance as i thought in my grief that if he saw me crying all the time he would get fed up and I to felt stupid crying infront of him all the time, also worried as I new me being upset would upset him.
We all grieve in a different way and the greiving process takes time love you can go through the tears the anger and your emotions are all over the place. By doing her work she is appearing ok or trying to, inside she feels lost with all these emotions. You can just be there offer lots of hugs and support dont be offended if she appears distant she has told you her fears last night so you no a little more, my fiance was with me all the way and it has made things so much easier for me. You can only do your best and darling that is what your trying to do.
Things will get better in time love once again i am sorry for your wifes loss and yours TAKE CARE LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (9 July 2007):
 Everyones grieving process is different and this is just hers.
She has just lost someone close to her and sometimes that is a very natural reaction to think she is going to lose you as well.
She is getting on with things to try and take her mind off what has happened, it's still very early days so just keep reassuring her that you are there for her.
Just let her get on with the things that she wants to do and be a shoulder to cry on when things get to much.
She will start to get better soon, but let her do it her way and in her own time.
Take care.xx.
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A
female
reader, myp  +, writes (9 July 2007):
 just hold her, u dont have to say anything, when shes ready shell talk to you but if u pressure her shell just get angry. let her go at her own pace, it seems work helps her cope with her grief so if she feels she needs to, let her. Just sit down with her, rub her back, cuddle, shell feel loved and reassured of the strength and life in her own life and marriage, and that should help, #1 though dont pressure her too much, i cant say it enough, if shes not ready then shes not ready.
-Myesha
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