A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I started a new job this year. Instantly when I met my new boss I was attracted to him but I was engaged and he was my boss. He also was new to the job. No one ever knew of my attraction to him. A few months ago he quit and I got married. Well a week ago he sent a email saying good bye (he was moving back to his home state) and revealing that he had a attraction to me since day one also. That evening I went to his home and we did everything but have sex. Besides the intensity and passion, I feel there was some kind of connection. The problem is I can't stop thinking about him. It is constant. We talk through email or text occassionally but nothing too intense.Now, before you all say anything my marriage/relationship hasn't been good for awhile and we should not have gotten married. My husband is a wonderful guy but there are issues that are constantly surfacing on his end and I am tired also the physical attraction is not what it once was and two months into a marriage it should not be like that.I also think we kind of rushed things because we thought that is waht should have been done at the time. I almost called the wedding off earlier this year but everyone said it was cold feet so that's what I chalked it up to. I realize that acting on these feelings shows that there are problems in my marriage. I told my husband I wanted a seperation and he took it surprisingly well. Like I said he is a great guy. I don't know what to do or think. It would be much easier to focus on my marriage if this man was not in the back of my head all the time. and I can't talk to the other man about it because 1) I don't want him to think we are seperating because of him (he was the catalyst but not the reason)2) To him I may have been a fantasy fulfilled and that is it, we just stay friends who have fooled around and I turn around looking stupid for reading more into it. What do you all think? What should I do? Thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): Wow. I am 25 and I find myself in almost the same predicament except there has not been another man. I have been attracted to other men, but nothing serious. I share the same feelings as lack of passion in my relationship and that perhaps we also rushed into things and I thought I did what was right at the time. We had a huge blowup prior to our marriage and I should have taken it as a sign to leave, but true to my nature, I stayed and thought that we could fix it since we had been together for 4 years. We will be married two years next March and still working on things. Through my experience, I have learned to put myself first. Time will tell whether we stay together or we divorce, but my mother always told me to focus on my relationship or to just file for divorce because as soon as there is an attraction to someone else, insecurities, troubles, arguments, bad thoughts and other fantasies come to mind and may aggravate existing problems or cause distance. I have found that this is generally true. Also, although I'm sure you have heard this a million times, communication is key, but most importantly it is honesty (to yourself and to your partner). Be blunt and be honest but at least let them know what is on your mind. Otherwise, how would you ever expect them to know or to understand. If there are problems before marriage, they will almost never get better. However, everyone has problems, but I am not talking about petty arguments over who left the toilet seat up. Also, the grass is not always greener. My advice would be to (without thinking of any other man) take some time to focus on yourself and who you are, analyze what you want in your life and who you married (is this what you wanted for your life, and is this who you wanted to be with for the rest of your life?). Don't do anything rash or impulsive because you never know if it will ever work out with the other man and you may regret losing the one you married. I think a major problem with me when I got married was that I did not take the time to think and I overlooked many things hoping they would be fixed. Divorce is not the end of the world, but it is also not always the right solution. You know who you are and what your own flaws are. Don't be blind, take your time and choose wisely. I hope this helps you.
A
female
reader, jeaniemarie +, writes (16 November 2008):
I think you are doing the right thing by separating from your husband for a while. Sounds like you need some space and distance to get your head on straight. The answers will become apparent to you in time. I wouldn't put too much stock in your friendship with this other guy. Keep in touch with him, but don't expect too much. Keep the lines of communication with your husband open also. Maybe there is some spark that can be saved?? Or maybe you'll meet someone else and that will be that, but either way I think you need time to yourself for the moment. Good luck!
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