A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there guys, I wanted to ask you for your advice in regards to a relationship matter. About a year and a half ago I placed an advert in my local home town in a shop window advertising a room for rent in my house and a day or two after I received a call from an older man telling me that he would maybe be interested in renting the room off me and I arranged for him to come round to look at it.It was when we began chatting a bit that I told him that I was seeking work and he mentioned that he needed someone to help him out with Admin where he was currently working as a Manager and asked me to forward my CV to him for considerationI forwarded my CV and one of his colleagues called me in for an interview. He offered me a position doing Telesales initially which I promptly accepted as I needed the money.A few days after starting work he invited me out for a meal. He also invited one of his colleagues Simon but he was unable to go.At the time, I thought this was purely just professional and assumed due to the age gap (he was in his early 40s I was 21/22) that he would be wiser and professional and wouldnt be seeing things in that light.After that we continued to meet, sometimes just the two of us after work, sometimes with everyone else and we became good friends and work colleaguesOne day when we went out for a drink I do not know what happened, I must have been drunk or something but we got too close and at the time I did start to feel attracted to him. He was very charasmatic, attractive and gentleman like. Not long before I had had a period of depression and a sort of breakdown after a relationship and financial breakdown.I promptly told him that the offer of moving in was still open however it was still purely business as I still didnt know him that well and that he would have to contribute to the costs which he did for a a whileThe more I got to know him the closer we became and I developed feelings of a certain type for him.After a while of sharing my apartment with him and working with him his business broke down due to the fact that the owner of the business it transpired was involved in inland revenue issues and had not been paying the tax that he should have been.Needless to say that he lost his job and I did too and as a result was increasingly becoming more and more reliant upon me financially.I encouraged him to try and get his own company together as a recognised he would do well at that and could make more money that way.Now we both (more so him as I did self employed modelling and was getting own model agency together) we began to spend every min of every day together and became too reliant upon eachother. I do not know how it happened but it did, guess at the time we both valued eachothers company and valued the support.Eventually this took its toll on me and I began to express a strong need to him to spend more time on my own and do my own thing. I also realised since finishing some medication I had started to help me get over the bad period in my life before, that I did not like him as anything other than a friend and that we wouldnt have a future together.Irrespective of me telling him a lot what the score is he refuses to fully accept it, challenges me when ever I say I am going out with friends, gets rude to me when I do insulting me verbally and tries to put me down. I have tried to tell him that he should focus more on his own life and not rely upon me as anything other than a friend as nothing will happen between us and although he always accepts it at the time when it comes to the crunch he reverts back to being very selfish and pocessive. I have tried telling him that he is a lot older than me and that I am at that age now when I want to get to find someone to settle down with and marry.All the controversy over me having friends etc and not wanting to be with him as a partner made me realise that it would not work with him living in my place and have told him that he must find his own place and have on a few occasions had to result in asking him to leave immediately as he was getting out of hand verbally and stressing me. At present it is at the stage that despite what I am telling him he clearly hasnt fully acknowledged it as he is making moves on me, wont do things for himself, hasnt got work, hasnt found his own place and is still getting jelous.He recently introduced me to a guy he met in town whilst he was looking after my Rottweiler dog whilst I was in the bank. Instantly there was a chemistry between myself and this other guy and clearly we shared the same passion over our dogs. He offered to look after and train my dog when I needed him to so I took his number and we left things as that.Last new years eve I was going through my phone and came across a number in my phone. I wanted to check that it was not the number of one of my new models so I called it. To my amazement and when I realised I couldnt exactly hang up on him and to be honest part of me didnt want to. We spoke at length about his dog who wasnt well and things in general and he asked me out that night, NYE. Initially I said I didnt know what I was going to be doing that night but said I would get back to him. The reality was that my friends were with their partners so the other person i could go out with was my old partner but really didnt want to and I certainly didnt want to be on my own that night and I had been treated so badly by my ex partner that I did not feel like being with him. Due to pride and wanting men to make first move i didnt call the new guy that night but fortunately he called me to see if I was able to go out and I accepted.We had a great night, went for a few drinks and clubbing and there was obviously a connection between us. I was very duvious in pursuing anything as I had been out with a few people with his name and they all turned out to be disasters, from a physco who tried to strangle me and cheated on me twice, to an alien obsessed sex addict, to a mummy infatuated drug addict who was obsessed with marriage to another non hoper druggie who cheated on me and stole off me. Despite my reservations I contined to get to know him and I even stayed at his house in spare room a few times due to major argument with my ex partner.One night however my ex and I had a really big argument which resulted in me wanting him to leave immediately, he wouldnt leave so had to get police involved. I was in a really bad state and confided in new guy who promptly came over.At this point I had not slept for a few days and I had had a big argument with my ex so needless to say I was in a very bad state and very vunerable.The new guy and I got too close, ended up sleeping together. I told him that I didnt want to do it and def not without protection and that I wasnt on the pill and he was quite insistance with me.The following day he spent a few hours in the morning with me and promptly left saying he had training to do. All he did was send me a text later in the day asking me if it was worth considering the pill.That week things were quite quiet and I didnt see him at all. Valentines day came, No card, No call, nothing. I presumed at that point he had another date and was not interested in me so pride and hurt took over and I told him that I was going out with another one of my exs which I was hoping to do.I didnt go out with my ex that night and I was very disappointed that night. It came out in conversation that the new guy had been out with a woman who he was training at canoe club for the day and that he hadnt done anything valentines night apparently and that he had been busy that weekend and in week doing work on his house..We met up again for a drink one day and I went to his house for a photoshoot at which point we both got tipsy and ended up sleeping together all night. It was very intimate and we talked and talked and I really felt that we had potential and that he felt something for me. He told me that he agreed with me about having to be in a loving relationship to have children and he said that it could be that, that he was glad i felt as mad about him as he did about me and that he felt that there was something between us unlike with the last woman he knew.Although we never had the definite conversation in regards to eachothers commitment to one another I presumed that due to his background and upbringing and the way he presented himself that he would share the same morals as myselfThe following day he invited me with him to a cavaran and boat show. We had a great time, got along well but I was nearly fainting with exhaustion at this point so I wasnt the most talkative and I was surprized by the fact that he didnt show me much effection, didnt hold my hand and didnt rush to get me in car and home when he could quite clearly see I was feeling unwell.When we got back to our home town he told me he had to go to collect some keys from work and said he would come over later in the day. He asked me where my ex slept I told him that normally he slept on sofa but sometimes on my large bed head to toe as he was causing hassle about being on sofa and i didnt want controversy but told him nothing happened and that he was always on sofa now. I then Meanwhile i took my dog and went home.A few days after I texted him trying to get some commitment out of him in regards to our future together and he said well if its all or nothing then would be nothing and that for me to use the canoe club and him training young women as a comparison with my ex was dangerous and that he also felt our age gap could be a problem. The essence of his txts was as if he was callously telling me to piss off out of his life.It read as follows:'' too late to try Skype. Yes you are a great girl. I need to think carefully. Im not at all comfortable re Mark, v surprised he was back and should have driven away when saw him Friday. Do not compare to athletes I coach- stupid comparison and dangerous. I will not get any closer until that is resolved. After that we will have to see how we go. Age not an issue but different approaches caused by lifes experience may be. If you press for an all or nothing answer then would be nothing as too many things in way of us now''. He then went on to compare me to Eastenders which is in many respects an insult and before that he had also said that irrespective of my ex that i clearly needed to find my own way and that he wouldnt get any further into a situation until i had had time to thinkThe hurt and anger accompanied by me stupidly listening to the ''impartial'' advise of my ex meant that I went to the canoe club to try and confront him. He wasnt there so I was going to leave him a note and before I could a man came up the stairs. He asked me if he could help me and I just blurted out about how I felt they should know who his Chairman was and how he had taken advantage of me in a way and how I felt that he was a sexual flanderer and that I felt him taking a woman from the canoe club away for the day to be inappropriate and that him saying mentioning it would be dangerous was unusual in itself.Since then it has become apparent to me that he is no longer Chairman of the club and someone has called me claiming to be the police to say that he has been around concerned that i was making false allegations (they were not allegations just concerns and i didnt go to police anyway). He just said that if I had concerns to go to the police directly and not his place of work and not to contact him at all. I have my doubts whether he was police as he didnt seem at all impartial as the police would be initially, he told my ex what he was calling about initially when he spoke to him which he wouldnt do due to confidentiality, and when I said that new guy had been forceful with me, he didnt ask any further questions and seemed very much to be more partial to him..I have not spoken to new guy since obviously and to be honest I am confused with it all. I can not stop thinking of the new guy and I am really down that it has come to this as I really thought we had something which really could have grown into something serious.At the same time I feel I have been taken advantage of by him and I wouldnt trust him training those women, if he has treated me in this way he will do it to someone else. The club wouldnt have got rid of him unless they too had their doubts or other complaints surely??? Do you think I have a case to get police or Solicitor involved? There is a chance I could be pregnant with his child..dont know what to do..Even though I shouldnt be listening to my ex, he has been telling me not to contact him as police have said and that if he cares about me he will contact me. he also thinks i should get a solicitor involved and at v least to contact society of canoe clubs about him. I do not feel I can trust any men anymore.. even my ex who claims he cares and loves me still doesnt seem bothered about what has happened between me and new guy. Knowing I slept with new guy how can he still be trying it on with me??? Someone who loved someone else knowing that wouldnt be able to do that as would hurt too much...What do you guys think? What do you think I should do about both situations?
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be pregnant, cheated on me, clubbing, drunk, lost his job, money, my ex, older man, period, sex addict, text, the pill Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNow I am going to just focus on myself and the right guy will come along when the time is right and when he does I am going to make him work for me and proove that he is worthy of being with me!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advise guys. Rhythm blues, looking back at what I wrote in cool light of day I do sympathise with part of what you are saying however the person who really have issues are those who are treating me in this way. I have been through a lot of stress in the past however it is an insult for you to say this to me as right now I have never felt better within myself.. I have got through all of my issues already through my own strength and determination. Why am I one at fault in all of this? They are the ones who are trying to use me to boost their own ego and who have broken my trust. Th
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (2 March 2008):
 He tried to compare you to Eastenders???? Your post makes a great storyline for Eastenders LOL. BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!!! (Me doing a drumroll like Eastenders).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008): http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/loser/index.html
Check out this link for signs you are dating a loser and some suggestions on how to end this relationship before you get further damaged.....
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A
female
reader, Devilish Angel  +, writes (2 March 2008):
 Seems like both those guys are retards. Not all men are like those two. If you love a person enough, you still will no matter what they do or say. However, it still hurts very much for them to do certain things. You gotta weigh two options: Leave them to find a better lover or stay and take the pain.
My advice to you is go find a good man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008): I don't mean to be mean, but you sound like you could do well with some therapy and antidepressant medication....you seem to have the problem of crossing boundaries with these men too soon before really knowing them and getting to involved especially sexually too fast and assuming a relationship where none really exists.
You have very poor ego control.....you get drunk and fall into bed it sounds like to me, and then wonder why your life is a mess......you don't know who you are perhaps and need to stay clear of men all together until you get your legs up under you....sound like a good plan? Get rid of both these losers, call the police and have them ask him to leave your house and change the locks....as far as suing the new guy, what for? You weren't married to him, he did not promise you fidelity at all, or even a relationship, if you are pregnant then decide what to do with that and of course tell him about it, but otherwise you sound like you are hoping you have some reason to retaliate against him for hurting you.
Not a smart thing to do. Please go into counseling to try and work through some of your own issues, you need some support as it sounds as if you are going through a lot of change and stress all in a short period of time, which is quite hard to go through alone, and you are relying on men to give you your sense of self and instead losing your sense of who you are and losing reality....Take care.
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (1 March 2008):
 woo, maybe you should stop dating older guys?
I don't really know If I believe this, the first guy you talk about. You say he won't leave your house so why havent you phoned the police? you allow him to stay in your home and sleep in bed with you? I don't understand that.
Second guy, you go on about how you dated four guys with the same name as this guy and they were all crazy. well what's the chances in that!
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