A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I recently broken up within the past week. She thought that our relationship, being a long distance relationship, and her being older then me by nine years had no future. She also believed that we both lived two very different lives in order for either of us to commit to a long term relationship. However, I don't believe any of this. And I've always believed that she's the woman for me, so when she left me it came to me as a total shock. I'm thinking of ways to get her back, what should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea that's true but I should also mention that she's been divorced and also has a three year old child. I've spent time with her child and I do enjoy it. I've asked her before if she would want more kids and she's said no. So her wanting to start a family is not happening anytime soon. And she's also said that probably doesn't ever want to get married again. For me I don't really plan on having any kids at all, what I really want right now is just for her to be in my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): OP it's not about feelings, it's about logic. She's older than you and has put a lot of thought into this. This is not a fleeting decision on her behalf.
It doesn't matter if she cares for you, the situation is unworkable. She can't and won't continue on with this relationship for a number of reasons.
She's in her 30's and she's old enough and experienced enough to know now when something isn't going to work. She's old enough to know that there's no such thing as "love conquers all" at our age (I'm the same age) we have to be practical about our relationships. You're still young and have time on your side, so you still have many years left before you have to even consider settling down. She doesn't have that luxury.
"She also believed that we both lived two very different lives in order for either of us to commit to a long term relationship" This is the most important thing she said. It's the truth and it means your relationship can't work.
The 9 year age gap is a big deal here. Her biological clock is ticking, she's at the age where she wants to settle down and start a family. You're not. 35 is the biological cut off point. After 35 starting a family is very difficult for a woman. The chances of having healthy children after that age are massively reduced. The risks of miscarriage, birth defects and still births are greatly increased after that age.
Now I know many women do go on to have healthy children after 35 but you also have to consider that if she wants to get married and have kids then the best time to do it is now. Otherwise the longer she leaves it the older she'll be when they reach their teenage years. By far the most stressful and difficult years of raising a kid.
She might care about you a lot, hell she might even love the bones of you but she's made a practical decision based on her experience and her needs. You can't fill those needs you are too young to settle down and start that family. Going to her door in an expression of love is just going to prove that to her.
You have to trust and respect her decision. Give her time and space and she might figure out on her own that she was wrong and she really does want to be with you. If you start chasing her around like a love sick puppy then you'll just show her that you really do lack the maturity for a serious relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI still believe that she does care about me deeply and I care about her even more, it's just the situation that we were in that managed to put conflict into our relationship. I was thinking of just going to her door and showing her how much I love her or doing something else as equally impulsive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2010): This is my one and only peice of advice, DONT CHASE HER. You have to go NC. NO CONTACT. What yo should do is, call her one last time or try talk to her and tell her that she should not be doing this and that it can be worked out, if she doesnt budge. then NC all the way, depending on your histtory, it will make her miss you and wnat youback, but if not, then its not ment to be and you have to move on, i repeat. do not chase her it wil only push her away even more. goodluck my freind
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2010): It doesn't matter what you believe I'm afraid, she does and that's why she ended it. You might not think the relationship is unworkable but she has told it's not and you're just going to have to accept that.
You can't do anything but give her time and space, if she wants to be with you, she'll need time to miss you and think about things. If you start trying to pester her or beg her to come back etc. then you'll just make it easier for her to think she's made the right decision.
The more you force this issue the further away you will push her.
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