| A
female
,
*em28
writes: I've known my boyfriend for almost 4 years. We've only been in a relationship for 8 months. We love each other dearly and even though we've been through some things we are always there for each other. My problem is that whenever we have a problem he doesn't like to talk it out, he'd rather just ignore it and move on. I've done this a few times because I hate arguing, but it is really starting to take a toll on me. He does this because as a child his parents went through a nasty divorce and he doesn't want to end up like that. How do I get him to talk out our problems with out reminding him of how his parents were?
View related questions:
divorce, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (10 August 2005):
 It sounds like your boyfriend was so anxious when his parents argued that his response was to tune it all out and ignore it. Now that's his reaction whenever there's a chance of an argument anywhere. It's not healthy, and it's not constructive.
You're already discovering that ignoring a problem until it "goes away" doesn't solve it, any more than kicking dirty laundry under the bed gets it clean. Unpleasant a task as it is, you need to work through your problems together, not ignore them. Your boyfriend needs to re-educated himself to understand that a disagreement with someone isn't the end of the relationship, and it won't always lead to fighting.
His "ignoring" problems a child's response to trouble, not the reaction of a mature man. He's doing the same thing in his own relationship that he did when his parents' was going south. He's hiding from it, which of course, does nothing whatsoever to correct the source problem, so it only causes another argument later on.
Of course, my pointing all this out is no good to you. You already know what the problem is. But your boyfriend isn't going to take my advice, and he's already ignoring it from you.
What he needs is an neutral third party, someone who exudes authority, to tell him that, basically, he's acting like a scared kid and that discussing a problem with the intention of working it out doesn't spell DOOM for his relationship.
It would help him a lot to hear that from someone with a framed credential on his/her office wall, because it appears that your boyfriend is still influenced by parental authority figures. Try to encourage him to go with you to speak with a counsellor, even once. Make an appointment to talk to someone who's experienced in couples' counselling and plan on going by yourself (you might still gain insights into your boyfriend's behaviours and ways to overcome it), but if he can be talked into participating, so much the better.
I wish there was a simple solution to this one, but I'm afraid if there is, I've never come across it. This is a solution that your b/f needs to discover for himself, and he'll need to be brave to make changes in the way he responds to arguments. All you can do is try to make it an easy transition for him, and think of the long-term benefits.
Good luck.
|
