A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, need advice and help please.I was raped last night by my ex, i let him in as he said he wanted to talk, anyway we were chatting normally he then tried it on, told him i wasn't interested, he forced himself on me. I couldn't fight back, i froze..afterwards he sat and spoke to me as though nowt had happened. I couldn't speak to him, he knows what he done as when he left he said he would phone me and see if i was still speaking to him.I hate myself, feel disgusting, i am trained in fighting off men etc work for police and i froze. I know all the procedures etc but can't report it as i don't want my colleagues finding out.please help!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): your ex is a rapeist. report him asap, become he threatens or hurts other victims.
A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (26 July 2007):
 Good on you babe, you are doing the right thing and you will be fine.
Take care.xx.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi folks I have made the decision to report this to the police after speaking with several people. so will be doing this tomorrow when work comes out to visit me.
will keep you updated as don't know how am going to feel over the next few days
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): Rape is a serious crime. You were victimized. You HAVE to report him - you know it. There is no question or debate. GO AND DO IT RIGHT NOW!! Your reputation - everything - comes second. How many times has this happened to you before?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): I cannot think of one person that, if the truth came out, would support what this man has done. Rally those around you for support and you will get through this. At the moment you are living in fear. When you feel this ask yourself "What is the worst thing that can happen and can I cope with it?" People not speaking to you...? When you have faced that scenario in your head it will get easier if it happens in reality. You are NOT the one that needs to hide in shame. Too many people get away with abuse. Hang in there and please use this site as you will get a great deal of support at whatever stage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): You owe it not only to yourself but to anyone else that this man has a relationship with to ensure he understands that what he did is wrong. I think he needs help as this is not 'normal' behaviour. For now, I urge you to seek the support you need in whatever form that is. I was subjected to domestic abuse and some violence and was too ashamed to speak out. Keeping it bottled up has taken its toll - you don't need to carry this around with you. Deep down you know both personally and professionally what is right and wrong. You need to be strong and think of the advice that you might give to someone else... and then take that advice for yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone for your advice, deep down I know what I should do. but don't want people to know or feel sorry for me. I couldnt cope with walking into a room at work and people stopping speaking or whispering about me. I have booked an appointment with my doctor for this afternoon. Have told one of male friends who is being as helpful as he can but doesn't know what to do, he wants me to go to police and have just texted my other friend who is going to try and get away from work.
I just feel as though it is my fault in someway and feel degraded and humilated.
even though I am the one who tells others they have to report it. He doesn't stay far from me and has a lot of friends in the area and I know my life would be made hell also.
Just can't stop crying (wish I could just pull myself together).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): Hey
I am really sorry about what has happened. I would say that you don't have to do anything. If you want to tell someone, it might help, but it is perfectly understandable if you choose not to. It is up to you.
As you work for the police you know how people who find themselves in traumatic situations never respond how they imagine they would and many "go along" with something and not fight back. Whilst this was happening to you, you were instinctively protecting yourself from harm by blocking out what was happening and you acted in exactly the same way as any one who was in your position. Women who go through this usually have one main overriding fear and that is the fear of death and not getting through the experience.
It is completely normal to feel disgusting and that you have done something wrong but remember that rape is rape, and even though your ex acted calmly as if nothing had happened, it doesn't change what has happened. Those feelings of disgust with yourself won't be with you forever, it will change, through a process of understanding what happened and putting the right emotional feelings in the right places.
I think it will take some time for things to settle in your mind but after time, I think some kind of counselling would help you. Specifcally, I would recommend that you try and find a trauma counsellor from an organisation such as Crimestoppers. I myself have been trained to deal with trauma and PTSD and can honestly tell you that people who have been through these kind of experiences do come through the other side. I have seen people who have bee raped and abused put it behind and become stronger people because of it. It will just take time. This only happened to you yesterday, so take each day as it comes and remember that things will get better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): Hi, it would probably help you if you could talk to someone about it, a counselor, a good friend, your doctor maybe and find out for yourself why you froze and didn´t fight back. Though you may be trained physically to fight back something stopped you. Maybe go and see a psychologist. Then think about what to do about this horrible guy. Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, Shan14  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 You need to tell someone about what happened!!!!!!! You didn't deserve that!! Don't hate yourself because it will only make it worse, please tell somebody!!!!!
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A
female
reader, DIE-romantic. +, writes (23 July 2007):
 I agree with flowergirl you have nothing to be ashamed of! Its him that should be the one ashamed! Tell somebody!!! And like flowergirl said, if he gets away with it this time, he can do it again and again. Get him done love.:( Good luck xxxxx
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (23 July 2007):
Why don't you want your colleagues finding out, you have nothing to be ashamed of at all.
If you don't report this basta#@ for doing this what makes you think he won't do do it again, he may get it into his head that because you did not report it you actually did not mind.
Hold your head up high, go into work and tell them what has happened, save yourself from him and save other girls from him.
Take care.xx.
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