A
female
age
30-35,
*amp-gal
writes:HeyyI've written an article about this, but while replying to someone else I realized I have a problem..which might seem strange but yeah...Basically my best friend can be racist sometimes, and she just sees it as a joke and I don't really understand that.It's not just racism, she doesn't see the problem with making off-hand remarks about race, sexuality anything that doesn't fit in with the 'norm' and it makes no sense to me!I need her to understand that it's not Ok to be like that because people do get offended by these remarks. Not hers specifically, yet, but people do get offended by remarks like that.I know one day she's going to land herself in big trouble with all this stuff she says.It's not all the time, and not around me (mostly) because she knows I hate it. But why do it anyway?I don't feel victim to her remarks because they have nothing to do with me. But doesn't mean I hate it any less and I think she's already offended one of my other friends which has gotten me annoyed. I tried talking to her about it on msn just now (I'm in Cyprus so I can't talk to her in person just yet) but she had to go offline before I could even bring the subject up. I've brought it up with her before, but because she has a friend who doesn't get offended she doesn't think that anyone will. She doesn't say it in front ore make it obvious to the person but sometimes it's just them off-hand remarks, she's so used to saying them and they come so naturally sometimes she might offend people without even realizing it. Like I said I've tried talking to her, but that hasn't seemed to work. She's like my best friend and I do not want to loose her and I won't loose her over this but because of the people she hangs around with too I can see us drifting apart. I've seen it for a while, but honestly, SOME of her friends I can't stand (Others are my friends too) but it's just others. Also I hate the way it could've offended my other friend, I hate it. Anyway, sorry this is long but it has a few factors that all draw into one thing or another and I was just wondering what I can do because, like I said, she doesn't say it around me but that doesn't give her right to say it even when I'm not around. But with the people she hangs out with, they're also like that, so I don't know what to do 'cause I'm not exactly going to tell her to stop hanging around with them because they're her friends.I'm stuck basically. Thanks for reading this :)
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female
reader, vamp-gal +, writes (28 May 2009):
vamp-gal is verified as being by the original poster of the question babyduck: Yeah I think I'll do that :) At least then hopefully she'll get the message :)Exactly, that's how I feel, if I just don't talk about it I'm letting it happen and I hate feeling that way...but yeah, next time I hear her say something I'll see if it works. Thank youu!
Samantha x: Yeah, I've tried talking to her about it before and she just still seems to do it. Honestly now I think it's a sort of habit (which needs to be stopped). Yeah, I think I'll use that :) thank youu!! :D
superdolly: I do the same thing to my friend, if she says something racist then I will hit her for it so she knows it's not right (another friend does the same thing)...she hasn't had personal bad experiences, but her brother has. She hasn't got any prejudice against them, just the off-hand remark, which I still don't understand.
I think she's open-minded and everything, she just likes to joke about it and stuff, which can be really hurtful to others.
Thank you all so much! I've spoken to her about it (well my friend that she could've offended - one step at a time)and she apologized and my friend is fine with everything now :)...baby steps but at least things are moving forward.
Thanks so much! You've really helped a lot!!
A
female
reader, superdolly +, writes (28 May 2009):
i had a best friend that was racist towards turkish people and her mate was racist towards pakistani people. i really can't tolerate racism, and i simple punched her everytime she made a racist comment haha don't do that but i found that it was just ignorance because she had a bad experience with a turkish person i simple said to her that you cannot tar everyone with the same brush and that one day you'll be shouting too loud and you'll turn down the wrong alley and it will be byebye she soon got the message i found it really confusing because she was really open minded and all for gay people. i think ignorance is the main thing just explain to her that were all the same under are skin pick something really ridiculous like her colour of eyes and bitch about it and then say you see how ridiculous it is to bitch about people over their race. also tell her that she probably has races in her family history.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): You say you have tried to talk to her about this, and it doesn't seem to have helped. Do you think she realizes that she could actually really be hurting other people with her comments? Maybe if she knew, it would make her think twice.
Perhaps you could try aagin when you next see her, and say that you are worried that she will get on the wrong side of someone with her comments. That way, you won't sound accusing or anything, just concerned.
When she makes comments without even thinking about it, maybe you could draw her attention to what she is saying, by saying something like, "I'd be a bit hurt if someone said that about me", or "That was a bit of a harsh thing to say, don't you think?" This will be drawing her attention to it, and might encourage her to think twice about what she is saying.
Just some suggestions, I hope something helps. x
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