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anonymous
writes: I have a problem that I'd like your opinion on in that I am seriously questioning my sexuality. It's a long story, so I apologise if the mail is a bit long.I am currently 37. When I was 20 I was engaged to a girl who fell pregnant, she chose to have an abortion (an agreed decision) and we split up amicably. Between the ages of 20 and 28 I had very few relationships spending my time going to football or spending time with my friends. Four years ago I met a girl and we had a relationship but there was hardly ever any sex and the relationship broke down as a result. She was very harsh on me regarding this and I felt scarred as a result. I didn't think too much of it at the time as she wasn't a particularly nice person and I didn't feel much love towards her in the end. We split up after nine months. For the last two years I have been with a beautiful girl who I care for very much, (that's about a years sabbatical between relationships) but once again the sex has died out, almost completely since we moved in together in February. I find it hard to get interested in sex and most times at night I'm more interested in sleeping than love making. Indeed when we're having sex I find it hard to maintain interest or an erection. It just seems a lot of effort to me.Since my relationship four years ago, I sometimes I wake at night after dreaming of being taken by another man with the fullest hardest erections, I rarely get these around women these days and I sometimes find the prospect of this scenario very appealing. I still find women very attractive and have never looked at a man and thought "Wow, I'd like to get down with him", not once but I still find the prospect exciting and arousing without assinging a particular individual in my minds eye. I can't imagine what kind or appearance of man I would sleep with and I still see lots of women whom I think are gorgoeus and would love to see more of, but the prospect of failure in bed and the lack of arousal and desire of a sexual nature really worries me.I have wondered, just to find out, if I should have a relationship with another man where I am the receiveing partner, submissive is it? and have joined a few gay dating sites with no joy, gay virgins don't seem to be en-vogue these days, it seems to be a very tight group to break in to. If I did have a relationship with a man I am not sure I what effect this have on my friends, I am not sure that I wouldn't feel ashamed afterwards or that it is even what I want.These are not things that I feel I could discuss face to face with a doctor so I hope you might be able to give me some advice. Have I become Gay? Should I pursue this homesexual urges to confirm whether it's really what I want (I've had these urges for 4 years, so surely it can't just be a phase)? But what if I feel ashamed afterwards, should I just take the plunge and if so how do I find someone? Why has my desire for women subsided, can these desires be rekindled?? I see men more as friends and never look at them as romantic acquaintances, just at night I can get very aroused by these thoughts and the thought of hooking up with a stranger really does have it's appeal.F
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): Hey!
I do not know the answer to your problem exactly but I am in a similar situation. I used to really like girls and I have had 2 girlfriends but actually never had sex (I was always too scared that nothing would happen). You see, I liked their boobs and the eyes of a girl are great as is the hair!
Since 4 years or so, if I have dreams that arouse me, I am thinking of a man kissing me, taking me home after a night out or giving me a hand-job whilst sitting on my face. I am repulsed by the thought of anal or a penis!
However, my point is that you should not feel alone and that you should follow your heart. Nevermind what your friends think... The real friends are those that will stic by you whatever your decision turns out to be! As I am confused myself with my sexuality, I am totally unbiased in your choice for women or men.
I really hope this helps you or at least makes you feel better! All the best!
M
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2005): I think if you have sexual desire for a man, you're on your way to being full-blown gay.
I have a little in common with you, in that I've never been a great lover when it comes to women -- I lose my erection easily, and sometimes have trouble attaining one. I'm easily distracted and I'm turned off when a women tries to be a seductress. It usually just looks silly. Needless to say women don't appreciate this.
My problem (I think) is that I'm too cerebral. I have too much on my mind, and I'm easily distracted. I also have a low testosterone level -- it's been that way since I was tested in my '30s. (Now I'm in my '40s.)
I also have hypogonadism -- small testicles. I have an average size penis, borderline big even when it's "raging". Problem is, it isn't often raging. I'm tall with a nice build, and women think I'm sexy, which can be more of a problem than an asset. So many women are too direct in what they want, and too disappointed in what they get. Other women are spiteful and try to "cut you down" if you're a good-looking guy. But that's another story..
However, once I warm up to a woman, I'm fairly okay in bed and fairly reliable sexually. Problem is, "fairly" isn't good enough these days. Sex has become a job rather than fun, in my opinion, and has taken on too much significance in relationships.
My advice would be to take your time to get to know the woman so that you're more comfortable with her in bed. Don't move too fast. If she's just out for sex, obviously that's not good. Any woman that likes me will have to like me for more than sex...
Also keep in mind you're not alone. Since the advent of the internet, I'm reading accounts fairly regularly by guys who aren't gay but have no interest in sex because they're jaded by the outrageous internet porn, or have a fetish that's the only thing that gets them aroused, or have performance anxiety, or have low testosterone or whatever.
This answer is rambling, but all in all I'd say, if you jerk off to gay porn or gay fantasies, you're gay. If you dream of being penetrated or sucking off a man, you're gay.
Though I have problems in bed with women, I'm personally not attracted to men at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2005): It seems like your all relationships didn't work well at
past. What I can say is, date both a man and a woman. Give
it a time. Spend as much time as you can with each of them.
There should be the one you will really feel satisfied just
to be around him/her. Then be open about your feelings so
that they will understant you and surely you are going to
work it out.
About finding a homosexual partner, just visit the date
websites. Good luck
From Edgar Matlala, South Africa
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