A
male
age
36-40,
*ay2012
writes:reached the point in our relationship where trust issues are flaring, now both trying to resolve the issues. We have come to the conclusion to share fb passwords, (have not done so yet) told her id seek help first before we do this. Just wondering if sharing passwords will help or antiganize the situation. Anyone been through this and can advise on best thing to do with trust issues and how they can be resolved? Basically it all comes down to facebook. (as usual). any advice and can people share there experiencs and outcomes of this. thanks in advance. Jay
View related questions:
facebook Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 September 2012):
 You told her you'd 'seek help before you do this', so that means you're the one with the trust issues?
Sharing passwords is not a solution. The benefits are, at best, limited and fleeting. There is nothing to stop either one of you from deleting incriminating correspondence or creating secret accounts elsewhere. Not that either would, but you'd both be aware of the possibility and that knowledge would eat away at you.
Besides, those kinds of measures are designed not to gain trust but to gain control and they offer a false sense of security. The way to earn trust is to grant freedom, not restrict it.
Trust issues are not just about trusting others, but about trusting yourself to take appropriate action when your security is in jeopardy.
It's difficult to offer more helpful advice with so little information.
A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (18 September 2012):
 Well I do have some questions. Why do you have trust issues? Is it only an issue with Facebook? I don't see a problem sharing passwords. My husband and I know all the passwords to everything we have. I don't see the problem with that. If he needs me to check his email I do so, and vice versa. I've got nothing to hide so why is sharing a password such a big deal? That being said, we didn't share all passwords to fix a trust issue. Depending on what the issue is it can't be fixed by checking out each other's Facebook. Why not just delete the damn things? That's what we did. If someone is a real friend they can contact you outside of Facebook. We have been without it for years and we are still alive and well. We no longer hear from people in high school that we knew 7 years ago, oh no! But we remain in contact with his best friends and all family.
If Facebook is the main reason and cause for the trust problems then delete it. I know how it is and I can't stand the site. If you have other trust problems then sharing passwords won't fix it. If the trust is completely broken for both of you then you will need to consider moving on from the relationship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): That is the worst idea ever OP.
Passwords are never to be given to anyone else and besides you'd already need to trust that person 100% to do something like that.
Who's the one with the issues OP? I always find one person is worse than the other when it comes to things like this.
If it comes down to facebook then what's the issue with it?
Why not spend less time on it and more time together?
OP it's like this, Facebook isn't the only way to communicate, if you try and remove that as a factor then next will be your phones, then your email addresses then it will be needing a play-by-play account of everything you said and did, it'll just start you both down a road you will not come back from.
The other posters have outlined some of the problems associated with it and they're right but the solutions to it are exceptionally easy.
Don't 'like' pictures of pretty girls/guys, don't tell them they look hot in their douchebag self-shot mirror photos. Don't flirt, not even sarcastically online. If there is a specific girl/guy that always comments or posts things to your wall then don't respond as much, perhaps just 'like' it. Spend less time on it overall. Leave chat signed off when you browse, wait a day or two to respond to messages that aren't important.
just be smart about it and use proper etiquette.
Again though OP what's the specific trust issues here, what's going on? We can't advise you properly without more info on what specifically you're doing that is making each other have no trust.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 September 2012):
 why are trust issues flaring...
at what point do trust issues flare in a relationship?
the point where someone is doing something that makes them seem not trustworthy.
sharing passwords won't do it... although in our house we know each others passwords and don't' lock phones or such...
if it's all facebook... well then someone is an attention whore... and it's causing problems.... or the other partner is insecure and that's the problem...
it may be that you two are not compatible in terms of what you think is acceptable vs what she thinks is acceptable.
if you are going to be checking up on each other, then it's not good.
how long have you been together?
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 September 2012):
 I don't think this is a good idea. Like Karlos said, you almost certainly will become obsessed with checking. Once you start looking through emails and messages, it's very hard to stop. Not only that, but everything either of you does will be put under the microscope and it's exhausting and will eat at the trust. For instance say you send a message to a female family member that sounds very friendly, you girlfriend will see it and freak out that you are being friendly with another female. Even once you explain, there will be some damage there.
Trust and knowing are two completely different issues, in fact they are opposite issues. If you know where someone is, who they are talking to, and what they are doing at all times, you are not and cannot trust them. That's also very exhausting for both of you and will wear out your relationship quickly. Trust is all about being able to not know and be OK with not knowing.
I understand trust has to be earned and come gradually, but you are approaching this all wrong. You need to be working to gradually wean off the monitoring, not working to add more of it on. You first need to address what is making you SO incredibly distrustful of each other. Did one of you cheat? If so, then re-evaluate whether staying together is really going to work out for you. Did one of you or both of you have a bad experience in a previous relationship? Then you need to sit down together and establish that since you both know that pain, you would never want to inflict it on each other.
In the beginning if you really want access, make a deal that if you are feeling suspicious, you can show her or she can show you her messages, but you can't look on your own. Work on trying to communicate less about your whereabouts. What you need to do is establish that once you release your choke holds on each other, the relationship won't fall apart. It's a process and it will take awhile, but if you both want it to work it can.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): I've battled through the war zone that is, "The Facebook relationship" before, not to the extent of swapping passwords, but here's why I wouldn't advise doing so:
Exchanging passwords may be a short term fix for the facebook side of things, you can get to all your partners private emails and chats and reassure yourself that nothing is going on behind your back, but it might soon become an obsession.
1) You may find yourself checking more and more frequently, and not just when you have cause for suspicion.
2) Digging deeper and deeper into your partners facebook just in case there's anything you may have missed before you had access to the account or when you've not been logged on to her account, that your partner hasn't told you about.
3) There's also the issue of not finding anything suspicious, but then somehow believing that your partner may have buried the evidence so that you don't see it when you check their facebook account next the time.
4) If it got to extreme levels, you could even find yourself remaining logged into her account all day/night long just waiting for something to "give the game away".
Overall, its just one hell of a disastrous way to go about tackling the trust. The more you feel the need to check on your partner, the more suspicious you're becoming, and its a never ending cycle. Trust comes from within, not from feeding suspicion and keeping a check on your partner.
I would advise to go ahead with the professional help, because sooner or later it won't just be facebook that's the issue, it will be when your partner leaves the house, or when she's slightly late back from the shop, or if she gets asked to do overtime at work etc etc...because you simply DO NOT trust her.
...............................
|
