A
female
age
30-35,
*utiepiesensei
writes:Let me start off with this, he says that he loves me all of the time. In the past, he has always done so much for me but lately I feel like I'm trying to better the relationship and he doesn't care. I'm the one that drives to see him (he doesn't have a car), I pay for my own meals when we go out to eat, I bought him a videogame he really wanted for his birthday last week, and I've been trying to listen more to his needs. I've been trying to make this work but I feel like sometimes he isn't. Most of the time when I have the ability to come over, it's around noon. He is ALWAYS tired when I come over so usually all we do is sleep. When we're apart he always says he's busy and he hardly texts or calls. I genuinely think he might ignore my calls sometimes but idk. There are always friends over at his dorm late either due to him inviting them or his roommates inviting them (I know them all) and so he never wants to talk at night because he's ALWAYS entertaining guests. And when he entertains guests they always don't go to sleep until like 6 in the AM. So when it's time for me to finally be able to see him he's too tired. He says just being in my presence counts to him as "spending time together" but I disagree. Why would I want to sit there and watch you sleep? I'm not tired!! When he is awake and we are together and actually have time to interact, we are perfectly fine though. I've expressed to him how I feel about this but I just don't feel like he's made a huge effort to change.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): Sounds like he's being lazy in the relationship. How has he responded when you expressed to him how you feel? Is this late-night partying a new habit? (since you said he USED to always do so much for you) Give him a chance to miss you--maybe he'll adjust his sleeping patterns a bit then.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): It sounds like he's being disrespectful of your time, and you're letting him. Even though you know all he is going to do is sleep, you still go over to "visit" him when you could be doing something else productive or fun.He has no control over his roommates inviting people over, but he does have control whether he stays in the room at the time. He could be spending that time with you, but instead he opts to stay in the room and then thinks you should feel honored to be in his sleeping presence when it's a normal waking hour.You said that you bought him a gift for his birthday -- did he get you anything for yours? You say he doesn't have a car, so you're the one driving to see him -- are there other forms of transportation available for him to take? When you go out to eat and pay for your own meal, does he pay for his own, or do you pay? I'd love to see answers to these questions.Based on the information you've given here, I'd say it's time to sit your boyfriend down and talk with him -- not at him -- about this problem. Explain that you don't like sitting around while he's sleeping and that you'd really like to do fun "couple" things. Spending quality time is important to you, and you don't feel like anything lately has been quality.If he brushes you off or gets too defensive, it could be he doesn't WANT to change or to show you a better time. I'd say this is a simple case of immaturity. You're getting more mature -- going to bed at normal hours, financially supporting yourself a little better (if you're able to pay your own way on dates), getting your work done -- and he's not there yet. At that point, you'll have to decide if it's worth putting up with his behavior, or if you'd rather be with someone willing to do fun things -- aside from mid-afternoon naps.
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