A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Thank you so much to everyone that helps me with this problem... This has been bothering me for some time now.I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half now. The majority of our relationship is so great. We live together, and we still know how to keep the romance alive. We don't really get tired of each other because we give each other necessary space, and we always look forward to our next date night. There is just one major issue, however. The sex is lacking.When we first started, sex was frequent, passionate, and exciting. Of course, I understand that with time, things like that may die down. After the first couple of months, he stopped wanting to have sex as frequently. It has been slowly decreasing, and now we have sex once a week. He has had issues with money, which he worries about. I understand that important issues will do that to a man, but his lack of attraction has lasted over a year now. He also has had various reasons why I don't light his fire, all of which I have tried to fix. I sometimes don't wear enough clothes to keep the mystery alive. Solved. I am too aggressive when initiating sex. Now I don't initiate at all. And just yesterday, while we were arguing about this, he told me he wishes I wore underwear. (I don't normally do.) On the other had, I am so attracted to him. I adore, admire, and want him, regardless of what he is or isn't wearing. Why do I feel like I need to jump through hoops just to be wanted sexually by him? This is killing my confidence. I feel as if he is genuinely not attracted to me, and he is just coming up with reasons to justify it. I feel like giving up, when everything else is so perfect. I just really wish that my boyfriend felt the same way that I do. We have talked about our future together, so I know he is at least thinking of that. However, I have always wanted my future to be with someone whose heart skips a beat when he sees me, and can't wait to ravish me. Is this unrealistic?If you have been on his side of this type of situation, can you help give a little insight on where he might me coming from? Can anyone help me gain a little sanity?
View related questions:
confidence, money, underwear Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): Long response, hope you like reading."We are both from divorced families. I was too young to know what the pain of a divorce between my parents felt like. He was a young teenager when his parents split. I have always been cautious about opening my heart up, until I found someone that I felt something special about."Both of you are from "broken" homes, you do know some of the repercussions, and your actions speak of insecurity, hence the things happening between you both. You are insecure, and he clearly is if your posting is even remotely accurate. You are bringing out the insecurity in him to a degree (not that it is your fault, it is just what happens when you get "serious"). He is doing a "push away" and you are "pulling" him toward you, but in a way that also attracts others more which makes him insecure, and get this, also makes you feel insecure because you do everything to attract him and because of his insecurities you are not "ravaged" which makes you more insecure."We both drink alcohol. I drink mainly on special occasions, or when meeting up with friends at a bar. He drinks the majority of the week, maybe about 5 out of 7 days. He doesn't get drunk on most occasions, maybe has one or two drinks after work."Take a long hard look at yourself, and him, and see if anything rings a bell on this test. Don't go easy on yourself either, be really brutally honest. He probably is drinking because it makes him feel better, when that alchol wears off it will make him feel worse, and worse than he did when he took the first drink.http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htmLook at your parents in this way as well. If either of you have parents who are alcoholic at any level, or drug users, or have serious mental illness, then read the following book. You can substitute "mental illness" or "heroin" or "heavy marijuana user" or "prescription drug user" for alcoholic in the chapters.http://www.amazon.com/Complete-ACOA-Sourcebook-Children-Alcoholics/dp/1558749608"I have also made him aware of the fact that I am attracted to him regardless of what he wears, and all that. It doesn't seem to make much of a difference."Sounds like he's possibly afraid of commitment, and for good reason. You may not know what lead to your parents breakup, but he may know more than you realize about his. If his parents had other relationships, affairs, etc, even if they were separated, then he will have a hard time trusting women. If he has ever had a relationship (or just sex) with a married woman, and he may have, then he will have the same problems.There are questionnaires that can be of help in understanding each other. Take a look at these. My advice, fill them out, be really honest and open and leave nothing out. If you do this now, either one of you will leave, mutually agreeable possibly, or you will go in together knowing the worst there is up front. It keeps the worst from festering. I'd suggest doing all these questionnaires.http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4503_phq.html"I also have issues with money... Debt has crept up on my unexpectedly, and I am doing my best to take care of it, as he is."Again, often this happens to people who are "feeling insecure" about things, but it is so common that it may have nothing to do with that either....we all make mistakes."However, those issues are separate from my love life."No, they are not, because debt creates and nurtures insecurity. Really, in both you and him, and your debt does this for him as well as you, and his does for you as well as him."Although there are times when I worry about my financial future, I don't lose sight of the fact that I have someone that helps me appease my fears. Call me an anomaly if that is a rare trait."Having someone is a great thing. See what you can do."I have been very patient and very honest. Sometimes brutally so. Sometimes I don't know how to convey how much it hurts me without being blunt. If we are in the same boat financially, and I can keep my head on straight about how I feel about him, why can't he do the same?"You don't know yet why he can't do this. Patience, honesty, and gentle and loving understanding is needed."He is aware of my issues with his lack of attraction to me, and he has said he would work on it. However, that was promise was made so long ago, and now he approaches me with apathy instead of understanding."Again, work on the above issues. You may find out more than you want to know.NOW, HOW DO I KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT THIS?Painful experience.... Maybe my experience is an extreme example. But, my wife was afraid of me for most of our marriage, not at first, but it came after we had children. No, I wasn't violent, angry, drunk, or hateful, and when she told me (after nearly 20 years) I was shocked. I was so shocked that I almost left her. She thought I was "to good", "to handsome" comparatively, she "didn't measure up", there was a lot more, she had been abused, sexually and neglected in her broken family of origin, she had been raped, molested, and worse. She was bright, intelligent, educated, successful, and felt like she was lower than dirt inside. She had never told anyone, not a single soul, not even her sister or brother. It took me years to get her to talk to me. Those references above helped, but she recoiled from the questionnaires....no way was she going to tell all that stuff. Counseling helped, but it was hard.In the end, she told all, and my children have the mother that they always deserved, I have the woman that I married back.Yeah, I could have moved on, but I could have easily gotten involved with someone who was not as good and kind and sincere as the person that I was with, who had tried so hard, for so long, and would have lost my best friend.So, see what it is worth, but if he won't work it, then it won't work. You can't do it alone.By the way, I'd suggest having him read what I wrote here. It may help him even if he doesn't stay. My wife couldn't even tell her prior counselors, her doctors, nobody. To this day, I am the only person in the world that knows what she went through.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much both for your help. Your insight is encouraging, as well as realistic.As for our backgrounds: We are both from divorced families. I was too young to know what the pain of a divorce between my parents felt like. He was a young teenager when his parents split. I have always been cautious about opening my heart up, until I found someone that I felt something special about. We are both very aware of the repercussions of rushing into marriage, and agree that it is not time for a ring until we are financially stable. We both drink alcohol. I drink mainly on special occasions, or when meeting up with friends at a bar. He drinks the majority of the week, maybe about 5 out of 7 days. He doesn't get drunk on most occasions, maybe has one or two drinks after work. I don't know if this is because of stress, or because he simply enjoys it. We do not take any prescription or illegal drugs.I have also made him aware of the fact that I am attracted to him regardless of what he wears, and all that. It doesn't seem to make much of a difference.I also have issues with money... Debt has crept up on my unexpectedly, and I am doing my best to take care of it, as he is. However, those issues are separate from my love life. Although there are times when I worry about my financial future, I don't lose sight of the fact that I have someone that helps me appease my fears. Call me an anomaly if that is a rare trait. I have been very patient and very honest. Sometimes brutally so. Sometimes I don't know how to convey how much it hurts me without being blunt. If we are in the same boat financially, and I can keep my head on straight about how I feel about him, why can't he do the same? He is aware of my issues with his lack of attraction to me, and he has said he would work on it. However, that was promise was made so long ago, and now he approaches me with apathy instead of understanding.
...............................
A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (28 April 2011):
 I'm not a guy.But if you want a future with someone who wants you, I think you might be better off finding someone else. It's not unreasonable to want your boyfriend to want you.You're sexually aggressive? You don't wear underwear? Do you have any idea how sexy a guy would find that? Honestly I think the fact that he asked you to put on more clothes, is a big sign. Yes it does sound like he's trying to 'justify it' This isn't a small problem, do you want to marry someone who you feel like you don't appeal to?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): Have you showed him what you wrote here?"He has had issues with money, which he worries about."This can really eat at someone, man or woman, seriously, and you are young still. Wait till you are 35 with 2 kids, a house, two jobs, not enough sleep, and money worries. It makes you insecure. It can make you seriously insecure with the woman you love, especially if she is really attractive to you, because you know that she will be just as attractive to a man who is "more successful" and that can bring out bad characteristics in men who are not reassured that you are not trying to attract another man."He also has had various reasons why I don't light his fire, all of which I have tried to fix."This is not your fault, if his fire isn't lit it's because he's not stoking it and he will need to work on his issues."I adore, admire, and want him, regardless of what he is or isn't wearing."He needs to know that, some days he will need to know that more than others."This is killing my confidence."Always does, and the only way around this is to TALK, but not just talk, you have to be OPEN, HONEST, WILLING, and PATIENT."However, I have always wanted my future to be with someone whose heart skips a beat when he sees me, and can't wait to ravish me. Is this unrealistic?"Yeah, to some degree this is unrealistic, after a while the heart jumping a beat and hurrying to ravish you falls down to a manageable level of comfortable attraction and love and security, IF things go well.Now, if you are insecure, remember there are reasons for that beyond him, and beyond you. You can't do it all, he can't do it all, and both of you together have to work hard at making it work long term. Divorce rates are horrendous, despite (or maybe because of) the majority of us having long term relationships before marriage.Things to think about.If either of you were from divorced families, had a parent or parents that had affairs, from families with alcohol or drug abuse, were neglected or abused emotionally, sexually, or physically, or if either of you use drugs of any type (including prescription drugs like antidepressants or anxiolytics), especially marijuana or alcohol or opiates, it all interferes with your sex life and relationships.If you can fill in more details about your families of origin, or your issues from the above, on both sides, then you can expect additional help from posters here.
...............................
|
