A
female
age
,
*edheadedstepmom
writes:I have been married for almost 2 years and have never met my 15 year old stepdaughter. Her mother won't allow it. My current husband's visitation has been reduced, by his ex, to daytime visits every other weekend as his daughter is not allowed in our home. The legal system has failed us in our attempts to "force" a meeting. Every holiday and school vacation is a nightmare as the 2 parents battle out the visitation. The ex insists my husband take their daughter but I am not to be around. I believe this to be a power play on her part, insisting my husband choose between me and his daughter. My husband is torn between his loyalty to his daughter and myself. I am feeling more hurt and abandoned as time goes on. I am not allowed at school functions, he takes his parents instead. When my husband is with his daughter, he wants to know where I'll be so as not to bump into me in public. (We live in a very small community.) Our history may or may not be considered a messy one. We met 5 years ago. I was on vacation, he was on a business trip. I had already been divorced for 2 years. He was married at the time and very unhappy. He wanted a divorce but his wife threatened to make his life hell if he ever left and that he would never see his daughter again. We lived a great distance from each other making a physical relationship impossible, however we became phone friends and developed a relationship long distance. Nine months later he filed for divorce and I moved to a town closer to him. We began dating and our relationship continued to become strong. We were married a couple of years later. His ex insists that he was having an affair and has told this to their daughter repeatedly over the last 4 years. While it is true that we were involved long distance, the ex has blown the relationship out of all proportion and has blamed me for all their marital problems, worse, making sure their daughter blames me for the demise of the marriage. My husband has tried to explain to his daughter that I did not live here when he and his ex were having problems but his ex has perfected the art of parental alienation and the child only believes what her mother says. My husband and I have had counseling but their is limited expertise in this area. The strain on our marriage is growing as we continue to deal with a vengeful ex wife, a guilty father, a confused daughter and me the current wife who is ready to bail. Does anyone have advice to help me deal with this and prevent our marriage becoming another statistic in step family hell.
View related questions:
affair, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (8 January 2009):
 I stand by my original post. This man needs to put his foot down. His daughter is being unreasonable and really he is doing her no favors by allowing her to continue with this behavior. I think the longer it goes on you will eventually become "sick" of what's going on and your desire to have a more normal relationship will push you out of yours.
I'm sorry this is the way things have to be for you. Your father in law was wrong to meddel but my guess is that he also feels the situation is absurd.
Best of luck to all involved. Best save your money for your step daughter's future therapy...and yours.
A
female
reader, redheadedstepmom +, writes (7 January 2009):
redheadedstepmom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdateMy husband took me along with his father to his daughter's Christmas dance recital. The stipulation being that I was not to approach her or speak to her. Unfortunately during the intermission my husband stepped outside and his daughter ran over to say hello to grandpa. I immediately turned my back and started speaking to the person next to me. However grandpa took this opportunity to meddle by asking his granddaughter if she would like to meet me. I did not hear any of this and when he told me later I was horrified. I told my husband when we got home what had happened. His daughter sent him an email calling him insane for bringing me and that she doesn't want to see him. They have not spoken in 6 weeks. The daughter demands an apology for bringing me or she will not see her father again. What a mess. Now my husband is depressed and I would like to give his daughter the spanking she deserves. And all this after we paid for her driver's ed and I gave up every other Sunday this past Fall so my husband could give his daughter driving lessons and take her to her class. I continue to compromise for her sake but she refuses to give in return. I understand that dealing with a 16 year old is downright impossible but am concerned that my husband will continue to take this emotional browbeating by his daughter. He would rather give in to her demanding ways than not spend time with her. It is causing me to lose respect for him. He is unable to stand up to her and teach her how to respect others, most especially himself.
...............................
A
female
reader, redheadedstepmom +, writes (23 May 2008):
redheadedstepmom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank of all of you for taking the time to respond. Finally having someone validate my feelings was so therapeutic. My husband and I have found a new counselor that we both love. She has stated much of the same things as you all said, but I think my husband and I need somewhere to unload even if there is no current solution. Your answers gave me the motivation not to give up. We are happily married and don't want to lose what we have. When we are not furious with his ex, we do feel compassionfor her. It is a real shame that she has been unable to move away from her pain and find some happiness for both she and her daughter. Thank you again for your compassion for me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey  +, writes (17 May 2008):
 I agree with dearkelja here, your husband needs to put a firm foot down here with his ex. This boils down to the green eyed monster on behalf of your husband's ex, she does not want your step daughter to have a relationship with you, she must feel threatened in some way, and very bitter still.
I can understand how tough this is on you and the pressure it must be putting on you and your husband, but if you let this destroy your marriage his ex will have achieved what she set out to do in the first place....
I think that as your step daughter will soon be of an age that she can make her own mind up with regard to visiting her father,her mother will only be able to control that part of her life for so long, but I somehow feel it may be too late for you and your husband by then. It is unlikely that her mother will change the way she feels about things, and I doubt that your husband will choose between you and his daughter, so you need to decide if this is what you want for yourself, you could leave, but I assume you are happily married other than this problem you have with his ex.
With regard to the daytime visits he has every fortnight I suppose you could live with that as with the school functions. I personally would let them all get on with it,I know it's hurtful but rise above it. The holidays must pose a real problem for you both. I know your husband must feel bad about all this but I think he needs to stand up to his ex and say if his daughter can't stay in his home with you and him in the holidays it's a no go, his daughter is old enough to understand his reasons and he should sit her down and tell her that it's an impossible situation, one that will always hurt someone. He has to compromise with you in mind somewhere here.What happens when the holidays come around do you stay at home alone? Where does he take his daughter to her grandparents?
Is there nothing that can be done legally? I find it incredible that his ex has been allowed to dictate his visitation rights in this way.....
This is a really tough one and other than putting up with it and concentrating on making your marriage work between visits inspite of this burden or getting out of the marriage altogether I don't see what can be done, I feel for you wholeheartedly, good luck and keep us posted.
...............................
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (17 May 2008):
The person who needs to put his foot down and support you is not doing so. I know he is in a very difficult situation but he needs to stop giving into his ex. I am assuming he is not good with conflict. He has married you and you are part of this new family. Him taking his parents along is fine but you need to be part of this as well. Him asking where you are going to be is insane.
If he can not put his foot down I truly do not see a good outcome for this marriage. You are left to feel like a third wheel when he goes off to this other family. I can see where he would want to be with his daughter alone sometimes but you are now part of this world and the fact that you have not met the girl after 2 years of marriage is not right.
Your husband owes you more than he is giving you.
...............................
|
