A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been in my present relationship for a period of about 2 and half years. All is fine, we live together and in nearly all areas of our relationship we get on well, except one! Before we meet she had split with a guy 3 months previously who, she had been seeing for about 3/4 months. Fortunately for me it didn't work out. She was very open and honest about him and i thought nothing of it. He came round one day for tea and to help sort out some professional problems which was fine although at the time i had a feeling that i shouldn't trust him. This was just before Xmas two years ago and he sent card and pressie etc. However he also sent a valentines text later that year which annoyed me and he texted when i we were abroad. I became suspicious and bascally told my partner that i would rather she didn't have anything to do with him anymore. She didn't agree and thought it ok that she maintain contact with her friends although after much discussion she did agree that she would have no contact. She did make it clear to me that she was doing this against her desires but would do so for my sake. However this has now become a more global issue with her claiming that she is caged and cant talk about everything to me. I have been married before and have two children( 21 and 19) so maintain some contact with my ex wife. We (all of us) have spent time together, BBQ s and even a new year so i didn't think there was any problem. I have no particular wish to have contact with my ex, it is only the times when one or other children are there that i see her. We also have to arrange transport and so on so there is a small amount of contact. I am concerned that my partner is feeling trapped(as she says) and that i am being unreasonable, i don't want her to feel this way but neither do i want her to see this ex. My reasons are, 1. I felt uncomfortable in his presence (don't know why!)2. He sent her inappropriate texts3. It was only a 3 month relationship so i cant see why it is significant - i am afraid that it is more than just friendship - i don't mean anything physical, but it is important to her which makes me jealous4. I don't trust him5. I have been in a similar situation to this and was ultimately hurt by it. She ended up with her ex6. I don't see why this is important to her since three months isn't longWe talked about this she did agree, although reluctantly, not to respond to or initiate contact so all was well. I knew this was something i had asked her to do against her wishes and very much respected that. I wouldn't hesitate to do the same in reverse and indeed didn't pursue a past contact that came from friends reunited. I don't want you to think that i have done this with all of her ex boy friends. I have no problem with one guy whom she knew for much longer. the often meet etc, the difference is he doesn't send inappropriate texts and i trust him, we have meet often. However i don't want her to feel this way. I love her very much indeed and i really don't know what to do. I thought about saying go ahead contact this man again and meet if you want in the hope that it is a silly issue that will just go away and he will quietly disappear. I thought about contacting him myself but to say what. He would only tell her so thats a bad idea. I am scared of saying to her go ahead and contact him if you want to as i don't know what will happen! I think i should have let it die out in the first place but i didn't so thats where we are now. Any help or advice would be very much appreciated. I would be happy yo be told i am completely wrong and should sort myself out so don't hesitate to do so if thats what is necessary. I love her very much and don't want her feeling like this! Thanks
View related questions:
ex-wife, her ex, jealous, my ex, period, text, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (31 December 2007):
 I don't think there is anything wrong with you, or what you've asked of her.
My boyfriend also has to deal with a bunch of my ex boyfriends, as i have remained friends with most of them, but i've always heeded to his requests if he felt uncomfortable with them. This is only fair, as i only want the best for my boyfriend, and although i don't always understand why he will ask me not to phone / speak to some people, i LOVE him, and i want him to be happy. Don't get me wrong, we've had plenty of discussions about people he feels uncomfortable about, and then, after our discussion he'd be more at ease, but if the feeling continued on his side, i would cut it short.
Do you doubt your girlfriend's love for you???
So, you have explained to her why you are uncomfortable with this guy. Now, offer her an alternative. Tell her that you don't mind them seeing each other, but make it clear that you don't trust HIM. Tell her that you do trust her, and that is why she can do what she wants. Also - tell her that you feel she needs to tell him to stop sending such inappropriate messages. She is in a relationship, and if he really wants to be her friend, he would respect that.
Good luck
|
