A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have an issue with my girlfriend's sexual past. Before you all tell me it's my problem (which i acknowledge) or that it shouldn't matter if I truly love her, hear me out. My situation might be different than some.The root of this is that i was friends for three years with my current before starting a relationship, now pushing 17 months.Because of this friendship, I have met all her prior boyfriends several times. I crashed on her couch once while she was sharing a bed in her bedroom with an ex-boyfriend. I've been at bars with her while she sloppily made out with another ex boyfriend, right beside me. TO TOP IT OFF, while at a bar with her, I watched her leave with a stranger for a one night stand. I tried to stop her but she wouldn't listen. All this among other incidences.She has not been single much, and when she is, and especially when she is drunk, she is reckless and makes poor decisions. And because of my friendship with her I watched her make these decisions and then was her shoulder to cry on when she was hating herself for them.I lost my virginity to her just before we started dating, and she is still my only lover, and before her, I had only ever made out a couple of times with a couple of different girls. I thought her past wouldn't bother me. At the start of our relationship, it began to bother me, but I thought it would go away. It hasn't, and as I love her more the more her past seems to bother me. We have a good relationship. Both have been faithful. She wants to marry me. But I am unsure I can commit to a life of having only one lover. I think that is fair. Especially since she has had five before me. And I've met them all. And I've seen her physical with these guys. And I can't remove these images from my mind.We have talked occasionally about this and she just gets upset, with me and with herself. I understand that. Is there a better way to talk to her about this topic? Any suggestions on how to go about bringing it up and how to say it? Remember, it's not like I'm a guy who is mad at his GF for being involved with faceless, nameless men. But I've met these guys and seen her with them and I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with her and raise children with her with these images and memories in my mind. AND FINALLYIs it unreasonable of me to want to experience other women and relationships, even though I love her? I love this girl to death, but I fear that one day I will regret only being with her and not taking some chances. I am 22. If I was ten years older in the same relationship I think it'd be different. I look forward to your help. Thank you.
View related questions:
drunk, her past, lost my virginity, one night stand, sexual past Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): I just read this to my wife and noticed that you have been living together for 8 months. I sort of forgot that while I was writing my response earlier. That sort of makes it difficult to date other women now. I started dating other women just 3 or 4 months after I started dating my wife.
When is the last time that you have tried to talk to her about this? If it was a year ago then you might want to try again. If it was recently, like a month ago then I don't think you will gain much by trying again now.
This might just be something that you just have to put behind you and let her forget her past. I successfully did that for 26 years, after 2 years of it bothering me and never talking to my girlfriend about it. It made her feel cheap to think about it until many years later when she was proud of how she had acted since meeting me. You may just have to do the same. I would still wait for marriage though. Finding out that you can not let go of this after you are married will make it much more difficult, especially if you have children. We didn't think of living together until I had put the thoughts to the back of my mind for a couple of years.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): That is difficult to decide. My belief is that you need to talk about it with her. However, no one can tell what her reaction will be. She could say to go out and date other women for a while. She could get angry and feel hurt, but still want to be with you. She could tell you to get lost.
At some point in the future she will likely be able to talk about it with you. Of course, if you were to do that after you are married then it is too late to date others. Perhaps you will lose your desire to do that, but I sort of doubt it. However, everyone is different and no one, including you, can know how you will feel in the future. I put it out of my mind after 2 or so years and for 26 years until my depression caused it to bother me again. Depression problem has been solved and I am fine with it now. Actually, I feel much better now that I understand what my wife went through when she was acting like that. I have no need to put it out of my mind again.
We both wish that we had done things differently the first couple of years together. She wishes that I had dated more women and she wanted me to at the time. I wish that I had at least one longer relationship to get to know someone else better than I did. We both wish that she had been number 2 for a year or 2, so that I could have concentrated on someone else more during that time. However, what we did worked out well and we have had a very good relationship and marriage. We have been very happy together.
She could not talk about her past when we first met. She was very unhappy with the way she had acted and didn't want to think about it. She was the one who had to tell me and then didn't want to discuss it. Even after so many years she would still sometimes cry when she would talk about her sleeping with different guys, especially the first year after she left her first husband. If your girlfriend is not happy with her past behavior then it will be very difficult for her to talk about it. She might feel cheap for what she had done and it would hurt to think about it. She probably just wants to forget it and move on.
It is a difficult situation to be in. There is no best answer to make both of you happy with it. My wife thinks that encouraging me to date others was one of the best decisions that she ever made. She was happy when I was doing it and it made me understand her a little better and made me realize that she was something special. It also got most of the desire for other women out of my mind. I have never wanted someone else instead of her in our 28 years together since I stopped dating anyone but her. She is still something special.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone. great advice, and i appreciate no one jumped down my throat.my girlfriend and i are almost 23, been dating 17 months and have been living together for 8 months.does anyone think i should bring this up to her? since i'm happy in the relationship should i just continue with it and see what happens? or, due to the fact that at least a small part of me thinks one day i will want to be with other women, is it most fair i bring this up immediately. thanks
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): For the rest of your relationship her past is going to bother you, and no matter what you say, think or do its always going to be in the back of your mind.
Either accept it or break up with her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): I've seen alot of guys struggle with girls pasts. I know I certainly have. Jealously and thoughts of her with other men is natural, annoying, but something you have to learn to put behind you if you truly love her. Look at it this way unless you marry a virgin every girl you date is going to have some type of past. As for wanting to be with other women, well then your not ready to commit plan and simple
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): You might also want to read this question and all the answers. It was one of the best discussions we ever had on this subject. The situation is different, but the discussion is still relevant.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): I went through much the same thing at the age of 34. My new girlfriend and I had both been married once before, to our only sexual partners at the time. She was my first after my first wife and I split. I was number 11 for her in just over 3 years. She did a lot of the same things that your girlfriend did - slept with men she had just met, had a couple of 1 night stands, slept with everyone on the first date, etc. The thing that is different is that I didn't know any of her past boyfriends. I saw 2 of them, but that is it.
The reason that it does bother you is that you are starting to fall in love with her. Being 20 or 30 years old makes no difference. It is the same at any age.
My girlfriend wanted me to date other women and I did for a little over 2 years. There were 4 in that time. I still dated my girlfriend too. I was not sure that I wanted to marry her. We all make mistakes in life, but behavior like your girlfriend and mine did does make you wonder if you can trust her. Don't feel bad, you have reason to think that way. My girlfriend never desired anyone else once we started dating, but it took me years to completely trust her. She understood why and accepted it. She wasn't proud of some of the things she had done either. That is why she couldn't talk about it for many years. That is why your girlfriend can't talk about it.
You have to feel comfortable with her past behavior before you consider marriage. It took me over 6 years to know that I wanted to marry my girlfriend. We also lived together for the 2 years before we got married. I've never been sorry that I married her, but if I hadn't taken the opportunity to date other women I'm sure that I would have never accepted her. Even with that, I had a bout of depression a couple of years ago and all of her past came back in my mind again. That was after 28 years together. The difference was that she was now proud of the faithful wife that she had been all these years and was able to talk about everything that we had never been able to before. Those extensive discussions brought us closer together then we had ever been. We also resolved a number of small problems that we had never talked about.
I think you need to go out and experience whatever you need. If she is willing to allow you to do so then you have someone special who really cares about you. Don't get carried away and make sure that she knows that you care about her and you might end up with her in a couple of years. Try to have a couple of good relationships where you can get to know someone else well. As to the 1 night stands, don't think that you are missing something. I had one of them and it was the least satisfying and enjoyable sex that I had ever had. My wife had a couple and it made her feel worse in doing so. It wasn't just lots of fun for her. It felt good that night, but she felt terrible and sad a couple of days later. My 1 night stand was much the same for me.
Only you can decide what you do now, but if I were you, I would go and experience other relationships before you jump into marriage. You have reason to doubt her and trust her. She might very well never desire anyone else, like my wife. She might also still want to be with other men. Unless I missed it, I don't think you said how long the 2 of you have been together in a relationship. If it has been 2 or 3 years then I think you can be pretty confident that she will never cheat on you. If it has been a few months then you need to continue this relationship a couple more years before you consider marriage. We are happy that we waited 4 years to live together and another 2 to get married. You are 12 years younger than I was when my wife and I started dating and we are both happy that we waited those years.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
...............................
A
male
reader, lestatmighty  +, writes (20 April 2009):
really if you are considering being with other women at all, and the fact that she has slept with other people is getting in front of you marrying her since you want to have the same experiences, do you really think that this is the women you should be marrying?
you are involved with her now, and you should only focus on this relationship and what is good for it. Yes you may only sleep with one woman, but if this is the woman that means the world to you then will you really throw it away to have experiences with other people who dont mean anything?
if that is the only reason your not marrying this girl then let it go, she had relationships with guys before, but it is working with you. that means you mean more to her then any of the other guys and she is ready to commit to you. thats all you should care about.
All the best m8, i hope you and your girl can work this out
...............................
A
female
reader, Vixey +, writes (20 April 2009):
 You're 22 - don't let life weigh you down!
Get out there & enjoy it!
Grab it with both hands & wrap your legs around it - too many people think they can't live without certain people in their lives, trust me you can.
Why not try a trial sparation? It does work for some, just depends what you're both looking for - this way you can find out.
Smiles - Vixey.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): if you two ever do get engaged. For one. Wait a couple of years before you marry. Two do not have kids right off the bat.As far as seeing her with these men. That is her past. yes you know them. you know their faces. no biggie. its her past. its part of her. period. no one is perfect.if you feel like you need to go experience other women, well, I think your too young to be thinking about marriage.Take it from me. I was married at 21, had our first son (planned at 22) I now want to seperate. Hes not the man I thought he was blah blah blahgive yourself more time. Take a break "date" other ppl and then if it was meant to be she'll be there after the fact.If your just trying to make it even with her having five partners to your one. well that makes no sense.good luck
...............................
|
