A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, this is my first time posting a question on here so please be gentle ( ; I am in relatively new relationship (2 months) with a man I very much like and care for. We get along very well and laugh together all the time. Neither one of us was "looking" for a relationship but we randomly met one day and hit it off so we started seeing each other. We have spent tons of time together these last 2 months. However, I have concerns regarding our sexual relationship. I am very attracted to him but for some reason I am unable to orgasm and feel uncomfortable telling him what would help me. It seems at the point now that he has even stopped asking me what I like and he seems content with me just "enjoying" the sex rather than have it mind-blowing as I've had with most other relationships. He reverts to the position each time that is most pleasurable for him. Another issue I'm dealing with is confusion over mixed messages. He invites me to meet his family and friends, takes me out and wants to spend a lot of time with me but then on the other hand he will often look at other women in front of me. Furthermore, although we have spent so much time together since meeting he never asks to take photos together with me and except for me posting things on his facebook wall, an outsider would have very little idea that he even has a girlfriend (publicly). I must add that since we met he is aware I'm leaving the country for two years for a job and I often wonder if that plays in to the mixed messages I'm receiving. Any input would be appreciated as I'm growing more confused daily. In an effort to gauge his level of affection for me I recently asked him if I'm "just like any other girlfriend" to him and his response was that he has only had 4 girlfriends in his life and therefore he takes his girlfriends seriously. I was sad by this answer as it didn't set me apart at all from anybody else he has been with. I would appreciate thoughts...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): Now that's the Dr. Phil approach to advice. lol! Whew, you really socked it to me. But that's okay, I asked. haha I appreciate the feedback a lot and yes you are correct on many levels. I agree I became insecurity as soon as I started feeling deeper feelings toward him. And no, I was certainly not looking for a seriously relationship and in fact had already turned down a few dates for that very reason. Running into him was merely by chance and it was the most instantaneous physical, personality, and fun "connection" (for lack of better word) I had ever encountered. We pretty much dove head first and so there you have it. Neither planned nor really even wanted. So yes it has happend very quickly and I think reality is sinking in for the both of us and with the fact that I am leaving, yes, I think it's a huge reason I am insecure at this point. I doubt he will want to be without a sexual relationship while I am away and so that plays into my not feeling that any amount of attention or care he gives is enough. I'm really just trying to do the best I can with an unplanned and somewhat sad situation and I suppose he is too. And by the way, you're 100% correct about the sex issue; it is my responsibility and for some reason I have a block with this guy that I have never had with anyone else. Strange...
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (23 June 2011):
 1-You are old enough to take responsibility for your orgasm.
Darling, speak up or put up with his selfishness. Your silence is permission. You want better sex? ASK.
Being dissapointed that he is not asking what works for you is lazy.
He is being selfish if he can not tell that you climaxed or asked at least "How was it for you?".
2-Facebook affirmation is not a sign of his commitment. I really wish people would get over that need.
He introduced you to family and friends,and says he takes his gfs seriously. Has he intruduced you to others as his GF? Not just his FRIEND?
3-Get over your insecurity that he looks at other women. He is not dead. As long as he is'nt being innappropriate and ogling, comparing you, flirting with them, etc...he is just LOOKING.
4-Could it be that since you are leaving the country for 2 years, you are worried about his future fidelity?
5-Your question to him about being like any other gf is a mindgame. Grow up. You want to know if you are special. That is going to be in his actions towards you. What does he have to do to "set you apart"? Ask him for THAT, but before you do, ask if you really need PROOF or you just need reassurance that he is serious about you?
Maybe you need to think about the complications of a LDR with someone you have barely dated. It has ONLY been 2 mos.
Sure you wanted to start a serious relationship with someone when you are going OUT of the country?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): I so appreciate your response, Cindy. Thank you!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 I think your two issues could be related . Maybe, like several women, to climax you need to relax, and to relax you need to trust. Trust that you are loved ,you are cherished, you are appreciated, you are special.
You don't have this security yet, from what you say in the rest of your post, and that perhaps may explain the difficulties you are having.
As for the second issue, said as gently as possible :) my take is : relax that stealy grip my friend - open up those claws. You have only been dating for TWO months, that's nothing, what do you expect more at this early stage. I don't think he has given you mixed signals, he has instroduced to his family and friends, he spends tons of time with you, ... it's just that you need a lot of reassurance.
Why you don't get this reassurance ; I guess this has got to do with your leaving the country for two years. Did you talk about that, did you agree to have an LDR ? When exactly are you leaving ?
It makes a diffference, because if you are leaving , say, in a year, maybe he is just waiting to see how things develop, for turning them into a committment at a proper time ( not after 2 months, it's bit early ).
If instead, you are leaving in a couple of months, much ado for nothing, it's quite possible that he sees you as a lovely person, but transitional . You'll have to ask him, if you don't /can't wait to see how things unfold...
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