A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for only a year and my relationship with my husband has always been long distance, due to my husband's job (he is an officer in the Military). The problem is that I don't feel that my husband is ready to commit to our marriage fully, nor is he willing to compromise or making any sacrifices for me. Basically, my husband continues to make most, if not all, important decisions on his own and refuses consult with me on anything. I don't feel there is any teamwork in the relationship, and when the topic is brought up he indicates that I am interferring with his independence!! At one point, he was even ready to purchase a house for which he would live without me seeing it (even though we don't really know how long he will be stationed in his particular location). Furthermore, I reside in the state where he grew up (and continue to live here due to my professional career that I've built...I have my own business..) and live only 3 blocks from his parents. Even though I have no family here (merely just my job and my friends), it appears that every time he is in town he prioritizes his time by making sure all of his mom's needs are met first. I am really beginning to resent this, especially because his mom has an excellent support system and has family in and out EVERY DAY, as his 50+ year old brother eats EVERY meal at their house; she still lives with his dad who is also elderly, and besides his brother also has another adult child and several grandchildren all minutes away. On the other hand, I have NO family here, and although I have some good friends, have a limited support system due to my family all having moved very far away from my home state, in which I'm currently residing. While my husband drops everything for his mom, he seems to minimize all of my needs, and makes it seem like I am needy when all I want is support from a loving husband. I KNOW I'm not a needy women, and to the contrary am very independent. For example, last year when he was in Korea on business, I had to have surgery, and was stressing about getting a ride home from the medical center, he minimized it by saying that I could "just take a cab if I needed to"! I am convinced, however, if his mom were to have had surgery, he would have flown back from Korea to be with her! We went for 3 marriage counseling sessions and the therapist explained that many of our problems were stemming from the fact that I am insecure about the relationship, probably due to the fact, that many times when things are bad, he threatens divorce! The therapist also stressed to him the importance of him realizing that HE and I are now a family unit, and we have our own family necleus now, and his necleus is no longer with his parents (i.e. mom). As soon as she hit upon the topic of how his relationship with his mom is interferring with OUR relationship, he decided he was done with counseling and insisted that the counselor (who was very professional) was not being objective nor professional! I forgot to mention that HE picked the marriage counselor himself!!! I went back to the Counselor alone, she she indicated that while he is really a great guy, she doesn't think he really understands the concept of marriage, perhaps due the exposure to his parent's bitter relationship! She also added that he is very egocentric, and always needs to be in control, probably a coping mechanism that he established early on due to the dysfunctional home environment in which he grew up (his mom shows nothing but hatred towards his dad). Despite the problems, I really love my husband and he is my best friend....but I really don't feel like I'm in a recipricol marriage (if you could really call it that!) and my needs are not being met, and as hard as I'm trying, I don't know what else, if anything can be done to save this relationship! Thanks SO much in advance for your help!
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best friend, divorce, insecure, long distance, military Reply to this Question
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female
reader, jc82 +, writes (8 February 2010):
 I think these aren't problems that can really be solved or even worked on while he is away. In order for him to let go of the family he grew up in, he has to have a real chance to make a new family with you. That takes time, for habits to form, for little things to become normal. You can say "I am your family" all you want, but until you have experiences to back that up, it won't feel real, for either of you, probably.
But, based on how he behaves now, now that the way you relate to each other has deteriorated, do you think he will ever really be able to do that? Maybe when he threatens divorce, you should entertain the idea as well. Its absolutely wrong to flippantly threaten divorce. Its the worst kind of emotional manipulation, in my opinion.
Why hasn't his family become like your family? Do you get along with them? Maybe that would help. Also, to help things seem less grim, try to think of ways that he is there for you. The things you do appreciate about how he treats you. It sounds like things have gotten ugly, sometimes forced optimism, looking for the sunny spots, can help turn the tide, or at least buy you some time until he comes home and you two can really work on things.
Good luck to you.
A
female
reader, junebug81409 +, writes (8 February 2010):
my husband use to be a marine(excuse me...once a marine always a marine)anyways ever think he is use to making desicions by himself bcuz of the position of work he is in?we are in a nasty war and im sure if he has been over seas and since some people die and maybe that affected him to where he holds his mother dear to his heart bcause of those things. he has to make quick desicion for his troops so thats probly why he was gonna buy that house without you seeing it.thats how i feel but just give it time and he might see how he treats you.good luck
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