A
male
age
30-35,
*ollincampbell
writes:So here's the issue. I am 18 and my girlfriend is 24, about to be 25. We met on a joke app (Funny Jokes) and found out we lived a couple hours away so we just started texting each other. Then we started Skyping and added each other on Facebook. And before you know it, we were hooked to each other. Well, I have a couple issues. She's 24 and has a 2 year old child, and has been married before. At first this didn't bother me. I have a (just turned yesterday) 8 year old brother, and have dealt with him and my younger sister (14) all my life. So handling kids is easy for me. We've been to each others houses, and have had sex MANY times. Well the issue had come up about a month into our relationship.. how many people have you been with? Her number 13, before me. OH, and 6 girls to add on there. I guess she had a lesbian thing for a while. To add on little things, she's slept with a black guy, she's been in a threesome, she's made a sex video, she's done things over Skype with at least 3 guys (webcam show sort of deal), she's had phone sex, given a couple guys head, and as far as everything else, I think it's been pretty generic..So all of this information was slowly let out over a month or so. She claims she has never loved me like she has loved anyone else. I'm hurt by all this. I've been with 6 people before her. She had been with 19 before me. And when we get into arguments, she gets upset that I basically call her a whore, which I never have. I just get so upset and repulsed that she was so easy. Not to mention she's done coke, shrooms, meth, weed, and pain killers. I've done a subtle amount of drugs, but nothing hardcore like that. It does bother me that much, because she's been clean for I think 7 years now, but then she turned to drinking and was a heavy drinker for a while. Mind you, she is very gorgeous. I'm pretty sure you couldn't tell she's done a lot of the things she has. So to sort all this out, she's done a lot of things, and I have not. I just don't feel like I can handle it mentally and emotionally. I don't know what to do. I really don't wanna have sex with her anymore now that things get brought up. Like the fact she was with a black guy.. she wanted to follow me on Twitter, so I looked at her profile, and there he is following her. Instant repulsion. Just all of this makes me feel so insecure. Like I'm just with some doped out easy girl. Not to mention that after her and her "ex" which wasn't even her ex, because she's had sex with someone else since they split up (her "ex" is her kid's dad)..well they aren't even divorced yet! So technically, in the last 3 years she's had sex with 3 people, and I've been with her 5 months, her and her ex split up in 2010, so that leaves a year for her to have already found someone else and have sex with them! More repulsion. Her "ex" we will call him is in the army. So is her brother. Well, when he deployed in 2009 she sent him some emails. I just happened to stumble across them one night.. she was talking to him about how she would always love him and only him.. how she would grow old with him.. and in one went on to talk about how she enjoyed their kitchen floor sex!..I didn't sleep that night at all. That caused a huge fight, because I found everything she's ever told me already told to someone else. It just makes me feel like she is easy and gives herself up too easily.I think that's everything I can think of. I know it's jumbled. I'm spewing out thoughts as they come. So it's messy. Basically, I'm disgusted by her being with a black guy, her being with 19 people before me, her and her ex's thing, her doing and saying stuff that we do. Makes me feel like I'm just another addition to her list or something. Please help me sort this out. I do love her, but my mind tells me to leave her.
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divorce, drugs, facebook, her ex, insecure, lesbian, phone sex, split up, text, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 April 2012):
 If her past bothers you then you should end it.
no matter how much you love her if you can't cope with her past then it will color your future.
better to leave in the early stages then try to work it out and end it in an ugly angry manner later.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (21 April 2012):
 This comes up here frequently. It's called 'retroactive jealousy' or 'retrograde jealousy'. By searching on this site you'll find many long discussions about it. This article is a good start:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 April 2012):
 Umm, how did you "happen" to stumble across them one night? Did she have them printed up on paper and lying on her kitchen table, or are you hacking into her computer and digging and snooping around in her email account?
Are you using her computer, where she is auto-signed into her accounts? You're surveilling her Twitter account, looking for past exes? Did you hack her Facebook too? As detailed as you've gotten, I can't believe you got all this information, including her level of love for her exes, merely from asking her.
I don't think that you have a rational approach to this relationship at *all*. You snoop and dig into your girlfriend's private affairs and emails. You call her demeaning and degrading names like "whore" when you've had many sexual partners and have done drugs as well, same as her. Doesn't that make you a whore as well?
As for her having slept with a black guy before, what is so repulsive about that, unless you're a racist? What if the black guy she had slept with in her past before she met you was Barack Obama or Denzel Washington or Will Smith?? A man is a man is a man. To say that because the guy was black makes it worse than if he was white alone should say it all.
Yes, you should break up with her and seriously rethink your approach to relationships. Remember, by your own standards (past drugs and multiple sex partners), you would judge yourself to be repulsive to other women as you've judged this woman to be repulsive to you.
However, I have the biggest issue with your snooping and digging and "happened to come across" her private email and private accounts. If you show this lack of respect towards women, you should not be dating one.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (20 April 2012):
Well I guess when you have a girlfriend 7 years older with a child you would expect she has a bit more history than you. Please don't be so judgemental about what she has done (nothing so shocking) or with whom (drop the racial issue). The main thing is that you had fun together and if you can't get back to that fun then basically the relationship is over. You will find lots of discussion on DC about your plight but there are no real antidotes to your hurt feelings. The reality is that your girlfriend probably has similar values as you and is uncomfortable with her own past, hence her using the whore name on herself. If she had just laughed it off you probably wouldnt have thought about it. I have been with girls whose past has shocked me, but the one that really shocked me didn't have anything like the "worst" history but she clearly had major regrets over what she had done.Try to cut your gf a bit of slack. Remember that as a young person she may well have been coersed by others. She had a bad time and doesnt need he nose rubbing in it by the one person she loves.
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A
female
reader, I see!  +, writes (20 April 2012):
Find a less experienced partner and don't confide or be too honest about each other's sexual past. It is important to discuss safe sex and any known STDs etc.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (20 April 2012):
 It's fine to leave when you find her present and past unnattractive. No need to torture yourself with mental images. She said that she has never loved you like she loved anyone else, but she also loves her ex and would only be with her ex for life. I don't think in 5 months you can be so sure of someone, like she thought she did with her ex. If you want to leave just leave, you don't need to add more reasons why she is flawed, that would just aggravate her and it won't solve anything. You are very justified feeling repulsion and you don't need to feel guilty about leaving.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (20 April 2012):
You're only 18, but I'm very impressed with how mature and rational your approach to this relationship is. I have to agree with your mind and tell you to move on. There are many reasons I see why this won't work out.1. Her history is too much for you (retrograde jealousy). That will not get any better with time, unfortunately. For the record - I'm with you in some aspects. She should remove ex's from her twitter followers, having them just isn't classy.2. She's too old for you. A 7 year age gap isn't so bad if you were 28 or 38, but at 18 it's simply too much. Particularly since she's a mom. That makes her level of responsibility much greater than yours. You've got college and partying days ahead of you, while she's fully entrenched in adulthood.3. It's long distance. Granted two hours isn't 1,000 miles, but still. How often do the two of you get together? I'm guessing it isn't daily. Distance relationships are difficult, and with the other complications the two of you are facing it becomes magnified.4. You no longer want to have sex with her. That screams "break up with her".5. She's still married. I'm going to label this woman a "relationship jumper". She goes from guy to guy (hence your "she's easy" conclusion) and doesn't give herself time to recover or to think about what she really wants. I have experience with this type of woman. They're very insecure and have low self esteem, so they seek "validation" from men. This type often (but not always) turn into cheaters, because at some point the love and attention they receive from the guy they're in a relationship with isn't enough to make them feel good. So they get involved with other men to get that "fix".It's only been five months and you've got your whole life ahead of you. Yeah... I'm sure she's a stunner, but it's time to cut your losses and move on. Let her go and cut all contact, that'll be your best option.Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 April 2012):
 When two people meet and "hit it off", they necessarily bring with them all that they have been and done in their pasts.... As those people become closer, they reveal those pasts to each-other to whatever extent, and in whatever detail they feel is appropriate...You seem to have been on the receiving end of information which is not in keeping with what you perceive as the kind of past that would apply to your "perfect" girlfriend....NOW, you are faced with this question: Knowing her past, are you, CAN YOU accept it as part of "who she is." It "sounds" to me like you disdain her past.... and you are not accepting of it.... IF/since that is the case, I think that BOTH of you would benefit by going your separate ways. You will not struggle with spending time with a woman whose past is distasteful to you... and she will not have to spend time with a man who has judged her to be unacceptable to him because of her past.... Sometimes, two people just AREN'T meant to be together....Good luck....
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