A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend finds it so hard saying sorry even if himself knows that he did wrong, he becomes defensive at the end and trying by almeans to prove himself innocent. he doesnt want to listen to me but keeps talking all the time. am fed up with this behaviour and i dont know what to do about it, pls help? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008): There is a problem with they way you are expressing, it is making him defensive. Try this:
Never say “YOU” when you tell him about things.
Examples of how to say things are:
“I feel a lot of criticism coming my way and it makes me feel really bad. It seems like my feelings are always dismissed. If I was a bit listened to I would feel so much happier”.
NOT
"You are always criticising me and it makes me feel bad. You never listen. If only you would take notice of what I say everything would be alright"
Do you see the difference?
Instead of insisting in your head that he apologises literally, wait and see if you influence him to behave differently. You may find his apology is just a squeeze followed by a change in attitude.
It works but you have to know when to hold your tongue. For example if he goes quiet after you speak let it go and give him time to think. Don’t start on it again. Change the subject. Repeat the same again if he does it again later and be patient. You have to give him the room to respond with dignity, not express things in a way that are confrontational and make him feel like he is climbing down. He won’t do that. I wouldn’t either.
What I have told you is the way to not be a nag, which is something we can all be if not careful. Make sure you hug him or smile at him when he responds. Know that you can’t have everything your way and you also need to compromise.
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