A
female
age
51-59,
*mmaphillips
writes:I really could do with some advice please.To cut a long story short im pretty sure my partner of 10 has been cheating on me, he also lies about everything even when i have prof. I have caught him asking for sex on the internet and he has had numbers in his phone with were for sex adds on gumtree, IE meeting up for a blow job.I confronted him about them and he said he was never going to met up with them and if i showed him some more love and affection he wouldnd need to look.The thing is the adds he was looking at were not for love and affection but purley for sex. You see i know that he had an affair with someone he used to work with i dint have the prof but i just know.Please can you guys take a look at an email he sent me today. Its about a missing condom, i just want to see if anyone can read in between the lines.this is the email.Hi Hun Back to the old e-mail, sorry for raising my voice but can not help it, I know what I have done in the past (and you know everything) but I am totally innocent here, I have no idea how many were left but I can honestly say that I have not taken any – ever, I have no need hun. I love you so much and while my eyes have strayed a couple of times this is all that it has ever been, I have never done anything. When you were away I did not have 5 mins to myself my parents stayed on the Friday, Saturday Steve came around before my parents left and we had some beers and stayed in, Sunday took the kids out came back tidied up then rested from 8 in the evening and I went to bed – I had to be up before 7 each morning then the following Friday kids were up until 8 ish I tidied up because you were coming home the next day. During the week I popped over to Lucy’s and Steves a couple of times after work not to have bifta but just to have ½ hour before I cracked on with painting or other jobs. I know you have been right in the past (not all the time though) but on the kids lives I have not done anything like that. I was pissed off this morning because you have obviously been counting them, totting up in your head how many times we have made love since you have come back pondering over where the missing one is since you have come back, all that time you have spent worrying and probably knowing you researching to try and find some proof or something – this energy and distrust that has been wasting and building up could be better used – like loving me – not thinking I am fucking other people. Really sad hunTo top all of this he takes drugs coke and weed.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Hi,
Well firstly!! Does he really think he would get the kids if you prove that he is on drugs, if he does, the man is an idiot. Also I know exactly the kind of guy this is, and I can read him like a book.
I dont need to tell you that you deserve much better, because in your heart you know this. But breaking away is not so easy. He will try to make you look the bad one here, by making it look as though you are losing the plot. What you need to ask yourself though is, does that matter, its not about what other people think is it?.
You know how you feel and, I really believe that you have an intuition when you think that your partner has cheated, and 8 times out of 10 those feelings are right. Its just that most of us choose to ignore them.
This man has no respect for you or your kids, if he really did cheat while you were away looking after your sick child. That says it all really, its just the pits.
You need to make a plan to get away from him, are there any relatives that could help you ?.
XX
A
female
reader, LoveMyadvice  +, writes (13 February 2008):
TELLULAH,Let me start out by saying that even though you are married; at this point, he has lost complete respect: Abuse, Addiction, Adultery. He has been in violation of them. And they all go hand in hand.Although you have never caught him, we often make our decisions intuitively, rather than logically or rationally. This is his fault though. You have no proof but all the signs are there. If you don't want to leave him, you need to figure out what is keeping you there? Is he going to try and save his marriage? Is he continuing to treat you as if he's the victim and you are the one that causes all the drama? What is he doing to save his marriage. It takes two, and if he can't be a man and stand up to his infidelity, what else is left? Be strong for your kids. Being with a man for many years is hard on the heart to break away. Us women become emotionally attached and sometimes for the wrong reasons. YOu are a great women and deserve to be loved and honored, most of all you deserve a peace of mind! Hope all works out! 3
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A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (12 February 2008):
 "this energy and distrust that has been wasting and building up could be better used – like loving me – not thinking I am fucking other people. Really sad hun"
"He has said before if i dont like his drug taking i can F***off."
It is HIM who has been doing things to cause suspicion - ie looking for sex from someone else, and he blames you for the distrust?
He does drugs when he's got kids?
He told you you can f*** off you if you don't like it?
Does he have ANY respect for you at all?
Is this someone you WANT to be with?
I would have left after I found out he was looking for sex elsewhere.
You're worth more than that!
If you love yourself, which you should, you'd know already what you should do.
Just my opinion, but I'd leave him, I know you say it's difficult, but really, is this the guy you want to be with the rest of your life?
Anyone who'd told me that I could f*** off I wouldn't give the time of day to.
You are worth more than that. Don't let him in any way make it feel like it's your fault, he's the cause of the distrust and he and his actions will be the cause of the break up should there be one.
Take care xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): Hi TELLULAH
Thank you. I really do need as much advice i can get, this is not all the story, beleave me, this man is not gonna make it easy for me to leave him.
He is Narsistic, always the victim,. He has said before if i dont like his drug taking i can F***off. You the mortgage iss in his name but we wont have the house much longer anyway as there has been missed Mortgage payments.
I also have a very sick daughter of whom i was in the usa with for medical treatment when im pretty sure the comdom went missing.
This is the problem i always start doubting my self. I have seen his emails from work and his mates send him escort contact details.
I know from gut instinct he has cheated but i cant win when confronting him, he is very powerfull with his mouth and im very soft. I want out so badly but fell so trapped, he tell me he will win the kids in court because i have to look after my sick daughter from a prevouis relationship.
Im very down and not looking foward to tonights confrontation. sorry my spelling is really bad.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (12 February 2008):
Well the email sounds pretty OK to me. He is obviously worried you will think badly of him, and seems to have resonable explanations.
I am wondering though, if you think he is that bad and he always tells lies how can you live like that. Also the drug taking comment, is that wise to have kids around someone with vices like that. Are you sure there is a condom missing, because if you are 100% sure and he has had you over in the past, then I would throw him out.
It doesnt sound like you have any respect left for him anyway.
I hope you work things out for you and your children. Drugs and kids are a big NO-NO.
Take care X
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