A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend (34 yrs old) and I have a long distance relationship. We felt we were not seeing each other enough, so I made the effort to book all my holiday off on days that my boyfriend is off work yet so that we could spend more time together but when I told him this it didn’t seem to register! So far he has been busy on every single one of those days or claims he hasn’t got my messages but the only times he doesn’t seem to get my messages is when I want to do something. I keep wondering if my boyfriend is having an affair.He told me from the outset that he liked his own space. He had some very possessive ex-gfs, one of whom would text him every half hour demanding an answer. However, this liking of his own space makes me feel like he doesn’t love or care about me. I love my boyfriend very much and there is loads that is good, it is just that I am unsure about his feelings for me at times and that is the main problem. He finds it difficult expressing his feelings, even to the point of paying compliments. I keep thinking that surely as a relationship progresses you would want to speak/see each other more not less or is that only in the first flush? For example, I left his house Sat morning and he said 'I’ll text you later'. I never received a message so Sun eve I texted him and asked what had happened and would he like to meet up on Mon because I had got the day off but he didn’t reply until Mon eve saying his phone had got switched off. I don’t believe it for a minute and wonder how I can question him without appearing that I am suspicious of what he tells me.We went out Fri eve and he was constantly turning away and checking his phone and he was going to the loo many times for a long time. Even his friends commented on this when he went to the loo for the third time in an hour for about 10minutes a time! (I don’t want to make excuses for him but I think he fiddles about with his phone to keep his hands occupied much like a smoker does with a cigarette because I had a friend who used to annoy me with the use of her mobile at the dinner table and it turns out she was very shy and didn’t like social occasions). Anyway, on Monday I was getting rather neurotic because I hadn’t heard from him and started wondering if the relationship was really worth it when he contacted me. He was really sweet and apologised and asked me heaps of questions about my weekend. I am really confused.Sunday is the only day that we get to spend together and now he seems to be busy playing sport for longer on that day. I had wondered if he was getting my St Val’s pressie on Mon when I wanted to see him because it would have been the only chance he would have got to get me one but he still could have told me he was busy instead of leaving me hanging. I don’t want to end up being a possessive girlfriend like his ex’s (but I can see why they would have grounds to be), but likewise I don’t want to be a doormat either so how can I strike a happy medium? The only way I could be sure that he was having an affair is if I checked his phone but that would show that I don’t trust him and I am not prepared to do that.
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affair, his ex, long distance, shy, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (12 February 2008):
 It is a clear sign that he has someone else. No one does that with the phone(going to the bathroom 3 times in an hour) unless he had the runs or is incontinent. I'm sorry to say this, but I am afraid that you should consider giving this up. I agree you need to cut contact with him.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 February 2008):
 Basschick is completely on target with this. This is not a man to make long term plans with. If I were you, I would back off contacting him for a while and make plans with friends, be busy, very very busy for the next 2 months. Switch off your own mobile phone for a few days, ignore his calls and give him a bit of his own medicine.
Even if you don't have plans, pretend you do, be a bit vague about where you were and who you were with if he does manage to get hold of you and ask where you were.
'Sorry it's been so crazy around here i haven't had a moment to myself.' And ignore the hype around Valentine's day; it's become a commercial nightmare and doesn't really have real meaning.
Make your own plans with friends, stay busy and keep busy, stop worrying about what he's doing and ignore the fellow for a bit. I think you'll find out what he really feels about you between his texts and his visits to the lav.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (12 February 2008):
 I think you are afraid of what you'll find if you do resort to checking his phone. He has all the classic symptoms of a man who's juggling more than one female. I think if you ever want this relationship to go anywhere, you are going to have to live in the same town/city proximity of each other. This is not a man you can build a life with long-distance. He has no reason to invest in your relationship because he has too much freedom. If it's not possible for one of you to move into the same town, then I suggest you start dating other men in hopes of finding one that's not so emotionally evasive. Good luck.
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