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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 15 weeks pregnant with my first child, my boyfriend and I got pregnant maybe a month or two after we first got together and so much has changed. At first he was so sweet and when I told him I might be pregnant he was so excited and happy to start a family with me. I dont need critisism on how fast we got pregnant, my issue lies here: Why is he so distant now? I know that my emotions can be intense as I am on a roller coaster but I am not that emotional. I feel so lonely. I do everything I can to make him happy (cook, clean, do laundry, give him massages, everything), and it's like he doesn't even realize I'm in the room. He always has friends over and he'll acknowlege them, just not me. And dont give me this crap on how he's scared because he's 30 years old! He tried to get me pregnant before I was even ready to think about it...and now I am and he's just done being sweet, holding doors, romancing me. I dont know if I just need perspective here or what...I do know that if this is a glimpse of how it's going to be with him...I wont stay. Even now he's sleeping on the couch because he always falls asleep in the living room and I tried to wake him up to come to bed and he just said he's sleeping out there! Im not trying to sound whiney really, Im just so lonely. If I wanted to sleep by myself I would have stayed where I was before he asked me to move in. Are there any men or even women out there who can give insight?? Granted it is hunting season so he's always busy but still....what the hell?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thankyou for all the insight people. I am NOT going to have an abortion...(Im 15 weeks!!!)thats never been an option for me, I know I would be strong enough to do this by myself...I have great support from my family.
Also, I need to clarify...it's not crap if he's scared. It's just crap to me that he's 30 years old, (Im 22), and I feel more mature than him in some instances. Also I just dont know if the reality has hit him yet, Im not showing. It's weird...I think that he really is going through some emotional changes as well and perhaps trying to live out some last freedoms.
He really is excited I just dont know if he's comfortable with emotions enough to know how to be there for me. He was never raised with any women really and this is the first relationship he's been in that he's actually been stoked about. And he loves kids, hes come to my appointments and such, and actually today he asked me how I was feeling. It's weird...it's like he has the ability to make me feel amazing and then suddenly he gets a bit distant. Maybe Im just being needy.
I guess he's sick so he didn't want to come to bed last night because he had a fever...I dont know. I really agree with the talk to him solution. I tend to bottle up emotions (because Im really not an emotional or needy person, but now things have changed), so I get frusterated with him sometimes and explode. He's always said I can talk to him, and how is he supposed to know something is bothering him if I dont say anything.
And yes, I do the cliche woman's work around the house but I don't mind. He takes care of me and does the traditional "mans work". Sometimes he cant keep his hands off me and all he will talk about is our child. He's very protective...I am just emotional and needed to vent a bit. I guess my real issue was what's with the hot and cold? HOly crap I sound so whiney! Im sorry.
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female
reader, jesus love  +, writes (5 November 2009):
Hi. I know how u are feeling.As all have said talk to him see if he is really ready for this relation and also the baby.I know it is hard to go through this alone ..and if he is never going to be there for you no point to pull and drag the relation just for the baby. You can still keep your baby and be a strong single mother.My husband was also never there during my pregnency and i was all alone. He never asked me how i was how i was feeling.Even when the baby came he was never involved .He never stayed uo at nights and never helped with the nappies .So i did it all alone then i was a single mother for 3.5 yrs and then he came back for me and the baby or so i thought,....when i got back with him this year again he is just the same in his own world he nevr askes me how i feel or he never knows how much he has hurt me .So our relation is just not working.....i dont think i can drag this any further just because we made a kid together.But come what may do not abort your child,You will never be able to forgive youself for it.You and your baby will be fine even if the man is not around. God is good and he will see you through.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): Oh dear... your in a trap you know. This is how he really is. The sweet bf was just to get you.My dads the same, my mum always tried to get him to do anything and he just wouldnt. He only wants to stay home and watch tv. She finally gave up and left. She is much happier now.You arnt his gf anymore your his mother. Your partner is the oldfashoned type of guy who treats a women as a servant rather than a partner. Remember in the old days they used to call housework "womenswork". I bet he still does.This is what I would do if I was you: Simply id get an abortion and leave him far behind and never let him speak to me again. Id then take some time to look at my life and what I really wanted to do and where I wanted to be.But thats me not you. You need to do whats best for yourself, especially if you are bringing another life into the world.
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reader, PeanutButter +, writes (5 November 2009):
 Oh dear, I feel for you, I don't think this looks for a bright and happy future. I know that being pregnant makes you very hormonal but there is a difference between you being hormonal and him being a moron.It sounds like he's chased you, gotten what he wanted, now you're pregnant and he's got everything he wanted so now he's going to get on with everything else in his life while you work on having this baby for him. Thats not how it should be. you need to talk to him because he needs to be there to support you and look after you while you're looking after yourself. He might be grasping on to the last slice of freedom he has before the commitment of parenthood kicks in, but if he's doing this, it'll push you away before he has a chance. Take it from me, I got pregnant a couple of months into my first relationship and in hindsight that relationship would not have lasted if it wasn't for the baby, but we made it 3.5 years before we called it a day. My son was the best thing to ever come out of that, but we were stupid to have let it happen so soon - you just don't know someone well enough in that short spell of time to know if you have a bright future, but you sure know if there are any cracks from the get go with a pregnancy. The way he is acting now are sure signs that this might not end too well. A pregnancy should be ideally looked after by 2 people who want that baby and one another, you both are responsible for the child and you should be responsible for eachothers feeling within the new dynamic of the relationship now too.I sugest talking to him, let him know how you're feeling, see what he says because you can't stay in a relationship for a baby and you can't have a relationship without being open and honest with one another, so make time to lay it on the table with him. I know what its like to be lonely in a relationship and you can't stay with him if he isn't there for you, not even with a baby. I was a single parent at 18 with a 2 year old. I coped. You'll be ok with some support whatever happens. If you want to email me, feel free to do so. xxx
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reader, shnookims  +, writes (5 November 2009):
 No judgement here. I was with my boyfriend for 3 months and I was 18 when I fell pregnant and he too was extremely excited about starting a family. He was 21. As we go through our roller coaster of emtions, so do they. I understand that your trying and quite frankly, there's not much more you can do other than TALK to him. Talking about wanting a baby and a family is a lot different to actually having one. It is reality now and maybe he's not sure how to handle it. Why's it crap if he's scared? Everyone is scared or at least a little bit nervous about such big change, even if it's what they want. He's going to the extremes though and I do sympathize. Lonliness is awful. But if you can't live like this the only start to fixing the issues is to talk. Talk about what your feeling, talk about what he's feeling and TOGETHER, find a solution or at least a compromise.I hope this helps. Take care.
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