A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, I will try to keep this as short as possible. My ex has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (he was never diagnosed, but I've read about it and I'm positive that's his problem). He has abused me in every way possible - emotionally (that was the worst of them all), physically, financially.. He is a drug addict and an alcoholic. He cheated once that I know of and often talked to other girls behind my back but he is also a pathological liar and convinced me otherwise at the time. I believed his lies because he either used fear to make me feel like I had to, or he was so sincere and heartfelt I felt like he couldn't be lying and was the best ting that ever happened to me, or I just didn't want to lose him and didn't want to believe the bad things. I caught him talking to his ex and left him, then 2 days later he slept with someone else who he is still "seeing" to this day. They are not "officially" together, but he manipulates her the way he does every single girl he gets involved with. I could go into more detail but I think that gives the general jist of not only what kind of partner he was, but what kind of person he is.So, now I am pregnant with his baby. I was pregnant once before too, but I had a miscarriage. It was devastating for both of us, but last week was the due date and he didn't text me at all. I feel so lonely. I just want to tell him I'm pregnant again so badly, partially because I feel it's his right but also for selfish reasons. I am stuck with the burden of this horrible heartbreak and he moved on easy as can be. I will look into my child's eyes every day for the rest of my life and see him, and I feel it's unfair that he gets to forget me when I didn't deserve this pain. But he is a drug addict and alcoholic, and physically and psychologically abusive. I don't want that influence in my child's life but I believe I have enough evidence to get custody. I'm hoping and praying every day that teling him will help him to change and get professional help. He is wonderful with kids (my nephew, his cousins, they all loved him), but I'm scared he will drag out horrible drama for my child and I want my baby to have a happy and carefree life. Most of my friends and family, not all but most, strongly do not want me to tell him because they are scared he will do something seriously awful, as in Lifetime movie awful.What do I do? I'm so sad and I can't stop thinking about him and this situation. But he happily says hurtful things to me and spends his time with other girls. :'( Thank you to anyone who is willing to give me thoughts on this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUgh...see, that is my dilemma. I mean I don't want to be stooping to his level or immoral for hiding this from him like the others say, but at the same time...if my baby and/or I end up hurt or dead, then won't I be immoral for having told somebody who is capable of such things?? I mean I say I don't think he would ever kill anybody, but he has shown me an ugly side of him..and there was a local story recently about a couple I knew where the guy shot he girl and killed her in a fight..nobody EVER thought he would do that. So by telling him or not telling him am I being immoral?
I've posted my story on a single moms message board and every woman that replied said NOT to tell him. Most had gone through my situation and wished their baby's fathers never knew. But, I read a post somewhere...I think on another message board where a lady moved to another country with her child but she was feeling extremely guilty, but at the same time knew she was doing the right thing. However, she was worried that some day he would find out and do even worse things than if he had found out originally. But the thing is - I have a feeling he will find out down the road if I don't tell him. And I know that will cause him to be worse, I know it.
I don't know if I can live like she is. I suppose I would have to if I truly know that it's in the best interest of my child but it will always be eating away at me. But I just know he will make my life absolute hell, and I really mean a nightmare if he knows. But considering I'm not yet over him and probably won't be for years, it's really difficult for me to make a clear decision.
Oh and to answer your question - I thought about adoption briefly, but it's not really an option for me. I've always dreamed of being a mother and I'm at a time in my life where I'm ready to have a baby, I just wish it was a more ideal situation. I could never bear giving up my child, especially knowing I can provide everything that child needs.
Thank you very much for your input.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): Good for you that you're consulting with a lawyer before you tell him. Maybe it would be good to get some birth counselling too. My gut reaction would be NOT to tell him, only for the sake of your child's safety. Too many stories in the papers about whacko crazed druggie fathers and the tragedies they create. Do you really want to be a mother? That's great if you do, a child can be a blessing. However, if you feel trapped, there is the adoption option, even though it's not fashionable (the media would have us think that). Do what's best for this child, and you, not for him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just saw the anonymous response at the very bottom.. Wow, I appreciate you sharing your story that is incredibly awful, even more awful than what I am going through. I am usually so optimistic about everything but lately, since I found out I'm pregnant, I feel like I will never meet anyone else. I can't go out and socialize much except for dinners and shopping with my girl friends. And then after I have the baby I will rarely get to go out. But it seems everybody I know who has had a horrible and demeaning relationship found the loves of their lives, so I am trying to take this time to heal myself the best I can and when the time is right I know in my heart that I will find the right guy.
I definitely plan to get full custody, just like I said..he has been found innocent for an act he was blatantly guilty of by a really, really good lawyer...and his dad is pretty much a genius. So that worries me. But I have done nothing to make me unfit to be a mother and I have several things proving that he is unstable a threat, and does drugs. Plus I hear the mother usually gets the favor in court. I am going to schedule a consultation with a lawyer before I tell him so I'm fully prepared.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input also. I definitely feel that I need to tell him or it will weigh on my conscience for the rest of my life..because the bottom line -is- that this child has his blood running through his/her veins and he does have a right to know. What he does with this knowledge will be his responsibility and I will defend myself and my child if need be.
Now, my question is, when would be the appropriate time and manner to tell him? I think what I plan to do is ask that I can have a sit-down wiith him and have his parents there too. I don't trust being alone with him for several reasons so I definitely want other people to be around..but also I think his parents should be there for the talk because they will have a very important role in all of this. In fact there's a good chance that they will play a bigger role in the child's life than he will. So, is that a good idea, to sit down him and his parents together at their house? And what about timing? I am 16 weeks today, which means next month I should be having my next ultrasound to find out the gender. I do not want to tell him until after that because I will need the time to prepare myself anyways. Should I do it soon after that? Or wait until I'm towards the end of the pregnancy or after I have the baby? I am almost positive the reason I lost the first baby was our horrible fights and the stress they caused me...So is it a bad idea to have his added stress during this time?
Thank you all for your thoughts, so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): Telling the truth about a child's paternity is not optional. Either you are honest or you are morally reprehensible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your input. To answer your first question... I texted him about 2 weeks ago when I my emotions were really getting the best of me, mostly because I wanted to see if he could be nice, which would help me make my decision. He was incredibly sweet at first, and turned into a completely hurtful jerk within minutes. I haven't talked to him since.
Back to the main point. When I am not wanting to tell him for the reason that I find it unfair he moved on so quickly, I do still want to tell him for moral reasons. Especially considering we were both devastated when we lost the first baby. My friends and family are very scared what he is capable of and think it is best for both mine and the child's safety that he never knows. I think you'll understand better in a minute.
I'm finding out now that most everything about our relationship was a lie, so maybe his desire to be a father was also. The first time we got pregnant was intentional - he convinced me that a baby would be the catalyst he needed to stop his addictions and be a better person. Turns out the drug abuse was worse than ever during the pregnancy and he started stealing my money (which continued for the duration of the relationship). Anyways, the impression he has given me is that being a father is as important to him as being a mother is to me. He made me take a pregnancy test soon after the breakup (he stole some valuable things of mine and wouldn't give them back until he saw the negative)... Some quotes of his from that time are "I can't have a baby with you, your family is psycho and they will tell the baby horrible things about me when I'm not around." (Let me clarify my family would NEVER talk badly to anybody no matter the age about his/her father no matter the circumstance. I know them and i know from experience). Another - "You know my dad and I WILL get 7 days with you and 7 days with me." -His dad is a genius and that worries me because my ex is not a suitable father and if his parents help him fight for custody, I worry that despite all the facts I have in my favor, he will still somehow get something. By the way - somehow the blood test came back negative, people tell me this is a sign he's not supposed to know. But I say maybe I was just supposed to get away before he ever knew...ya know?
But, like I said maybe his desire to be a father was a lie too. I have a feeling that no matter what the case, the baby will take a back seat to drugs.
And like you said, I would be stooping to his level if I didn't tell and he wanted that blood test because he said I was going to hide it if I was. Also, during a bad fight once back during the 1st pregnancy, his mom (who was always very helpful to me during our fights) said to me "I worry that you two won't work out and I won't know my own grandchild. I said back "I would never, ever keep your grandchild from you." -If I tell him...I would most definitely make sure they all get to the baby often, I would just prefer that he gets no more than supervised visitation.
But, like I said...he is a very dangerous person. His anger can cause him to do some scary things, and if he is kept from his child (which he will be), well those kind of stories tend to end badly.
I'm sorry I'm making my posts so long, I just feel that there is so much info to know before making a decision.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 Oh gosh. I can see how this is a painful dilemma. You realized ( better late than never ! - btw, why are you still texting each other ?? ) that the last thing you need in your life is an alcoholic drug addict violent cheater, and your child needs this kind of influence around him /her even less than you , in fact it may be detrimental .
But, as much as I am tempted to say " don't tell him anything, he would be useless as a father anyway " no, he is the father, he needs to know, This is half his child too and he has the right to know and not telling would be stooping at his level of deceit.
I must say that ( luckily or unluckily , I don't know ) he does not sound the kind of guy that will be much affected by the news. I think his first thought will be how NOT to get involved so he does not have shell out any money and can keep it for drugs and booze. But, I may be wrong and anyway - I am afraid there's no option, at least from a moral point of view- you have to tell him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): ooh wow just reading ur story brought me back about 2 years ago i had an ex exactly how u just described urs, i was also pregnant, but did not tell him or anyone, after being together for 3 years i thought he was the love of my life and one night we went to a party and being the alcoholic he is he got trashd and started hooking up with another girl right infront of me, and all of our close friends and after one of his friends rippd her off of him (because he was laying down on the floor and she got ontop of him) he got pissd and tryd to fight his friend and got kickd out of the house and i followed him because i didnt want him driving, he had way too much and couldnt even walk so i drove him home and walked him in did not let me leave it was 4am i had work at 6am! he startd crying and telling me that he loves me (first time in 3 years together!)and propose to me i knew he was too drunk to knw wtf he was doing so i just said yes so he would stop crying so he doesnt wake everyone in the house up,... anyway long story short he remeberd that he propose to me so i was thinking maybe he is going to change i might have a good life with him & he might b happy that hes going to be a dad, one week later when i was 5 months along,(not showing at all am a small girl and had a small baby) i was planing on coming home early from work(i workd 2 jobs, full-time both, he didnt want to work & i paid for everything) making dinner and tell him the big news, i got home he was having sex with another girl that he said was just a friend, my world was flipd i had the preg test i was going to show him in a bag i just threw it at him and walkd out he ran after me punched me in my stomach causing me to lose our baby boy, yes one punch hes 6'0 am 5'1 115 pounds, after that night i never saw him again, i heard things about him good and bad, it was the worst time of my life i thought i wouldnt make it through, but the best thing u can do is make sure u and ur baby are happy and safe, u dont want ur baby growing up around an alcoholic get full custody and TRUST me there is better out there if i found the love of my life after going tru hell with that sad excuse of a man, you can too take care of urself and ur baby and ul find someone who will accept ur baby as his own and show u what love really means. and that every girl deserves to be treated like a one of the kind princess...good luck with everything xxxx
sorry about the spelling..
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