A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really hope someone out there can help me,I really do.I'm in my 30's and my 'partner' is 17 years older than me.We have 4 kids together,and I'm pregnant also.I wanted another child really badly,and needed help to conceive,so when I discovered I was finally pregnant,both me and my partner were overjoyed.The problem is,I'm not in love with my Partner,I just don't love him in that way,I'm not sure I ever really did.I've felt like this for the past 5 or 6 years of the almost 12 we've been together,and I've always been completely honest with him about those feelings.I've also always made clear that the way I feel will never change,and for that reason I wanted us to split up amicably,so we could both move on and heal and perhaps find love again.He said that that was fine. And that was it! He never moved out,and he never moved on! He still lives with me and the kids,even though I tell him nothing's changed about the way I feel.We live now more like niece and kindly uncle than a couple,but because he still continues as if we are a couple,everyone assumes we are! I'm embarrassed to tell people we're actually not together,because the few I have told just don't believe me!! It's such a crazy and ridiculous situation.When we agreed to try for another child,he was clear he wanted it as much as I did,even though our situation was the way it was.The thing is,I would so love to meet someone special and fing true love,but because my Partner/ex-Partner refuses to move on,I'm not sure that will ever happen,and that makes me really sad.I just don't know what to do. There are reasons I dont love him,he's so impatient,cranky all the time,constantly gives me dirty looks,he's abrasive,aggressive,prickly,and very tempermental,all in all the total opposite of me.We're so incompatible,like chalk and cheese.I've tried talking to him so many times,but he nods his head and says nothing,or turns nasty and walks out.The kids are aware he may get his own place at some point in the future,as I've told them,and they're aware of how aggressive he is so they're cool with it as they know they'll still see him all the time,that's something he and I agreed on.I dont know what to do I'm so confused and frustrated.I do believe my Partner/ex-Partner is taking advantage of my laid-back personality,and the fact that I dont have any family to turn to for advice.I'm not in contact with my Mum or Dad who are not together,and I have no brothers or sisters,so pretty much its just me trying to figure it all out on my own...for most of my life.If anyone out there can offer any advice at all,please,please do,I can't tell you how much it will be appreciated.
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female
reader, Help mate  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 You are giving out such mixed messages. You expect him to father a child but you do not want him to be in their life so he can’t be their dad. He must be feeling so confused no wonder he is temperamental & cranky so would anyone be in his position. You say you are the opposite to him & laid back but you did not add extremely selfish to your traits, you have just got pregnant by a man that you do not care about, he is overjoyed but you still want him out, what game are you playing & to whose benefit certainly not the Childs. You really ought to look at yourself in a more honest way because going into any other relationship; If you believe that what you are doing to your current partner is acceptable is a recipe for disaster; you may be OK but it’s not OK for the children or the new partner. You have been & are still using your current partner you say he is abusing your laid back personality but you are abusing his love.
You have got yourself into this & are looking to blame him; to be fair you have always told him you don’t love him but have obviously carried on like a married couple hence four children & another on the way why do you think he thinks anything has changed; because you are carrying on as normal otherwise you would not have tried to get pregnant with him.
You need to talk to him again, but do not blame him; let him know that it is your responsibility for breaking up & offer to help him find somewhere to live & support him moving on. Let him know he can still see the children; don’t let him loose everything because by getting pregnant you have just offered him the world.
I hope you both find love in the future, Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): I think you know what you have to do, I think what you're stuck with is how to do it but honestly I think you know that too.
You just need the proper motivation and some encouragement. You see you say you're laid back but that's not true OP. You're just comfortable with the situation like he is. You may not be happy with it, you may know things need to change but if you were truly uncomfortable with it you'd change it. You see you may think you're laid back but that is situational, say if one of your kids was in danger you wouldn't be laid back then. Or if there was a spider in your room or a rat in your kitchen you wouldn't be laid back then you'd get rid of them. It's down to attitude and need OP. At the moment you don't have that attitude as to where he's gotten to the level of a rat, you see he is very similar to a rat he is pretty much and unwelcome guest, one that you can relax nor get on with your life because he is there.
OP you have the strength and you have the will to get this done, I just think you're waiting for things to happen on its own but you know that won't. You see there's food in that kitchen, it's cold outside and there are predators out there so that rat is not going to just leave your house of its own volition. OP all you've done so far is put a bit of old cheese in the garden hoping he'll go away on his own. Hoping that the rat will choose to go out and eat that crappy bit of cheese that way you won't have to step outside your comfort zone and actually get the brush and chase it out.
Are you starting to see the point of my analogy? That rat would be gone wouldn't it? You wouldn't be laid back in that situation at all so you know you have the ability and strength to do what you need to just the motivation is lacking. Read back over your question OP, read it and realize that no man will want to be a woman who has a live in ex that's too much, realize that while you feel this way and while he lives there it is your kids that are suffering an unfulfilled and unhappy mother. Do you really need any more motivation than that? Do you really want your daughters (assuming you have daughters) to see that men are in control. You told them he was going to leave, they know what he's like and think it's a good idea too but they're not seeing action OP, nothing is happening. What lesson are they going to learn from that? That it's okay to be unhappy, that weakness and a laid back attitude is best in that situation or do you want to show them that sometimes you have to step outside of your comfort zone to get what needs to be, done.
Stand your ground, give him a time frame and stick to it. Do not back down and if he still won't move then look at your legal options.
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A
male
reader, askmeanything2  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 Hi you need to be seriuse about getting him out .
I would sugest when he goes to work you should pack his stuff and place them outside ,then change the locks .
He will then see you mean what you say and hopefully get the hint.
all the best and good luck.
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