A
female
age
36-40,
*perscomp1
writes:I'm 23 and I just found out I am pregnant. My boyfriend, 20- almost 21, is not ready to have a child... For the main reason that he doesn't want to disappoint everyone. His father is a pastor and his parents would be devastated. The people in the church would not only be disappointed, but look down on him.. which I know isn't the biggest deal, but it's incrediably embarrassing. I have several fears. For one, if he were to ask me to marry him right now, I would say no.. because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him right now. Possibly in the future, but not that committed now. And with that said, I am afraid I could be a single mom forever. If things don't work out, I feel like no one else would marry me and it'll just be me and my baby forever. The second fear is that if I were to take the abortion pill (I should be at the most 5 weeks pregnant), I fear that I will be killing this baby, and when I end up getting married and want a baby, I won't be able to have a baby. I have seen several stories on here that say that.. They think it's their punishment for terminating a pregnancy. My third fear goes a long with my first. I fear that if I do have this baby that one day my boyfriend (the baby's father) won't be around one day. That tears me up to think that could happen.My older sister (trying to get pregnant now) is extremely happy about this. We told his brother and sister in law too and they are now (after the shock) excited to be an aunt and uncle. However, when I told my boyfriend I will be asking the doctor about other plans (abortion pill - or RU 486 ) his face lit up. He wants to do it. He won't listen to any of the negitives about it. If I talk about the pregnancy too he tell me to stop. He sees it as a way to get out. I know he is not ready... he's only 20 and still in college and doesn't want anyone to know of what he's done, but I am not sure I can do that. The few people that know about this, would be so upset if we did this, and I am not sure I could go through with it. I need help! Any experiences that could help me???
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): I think you made the right decision for you. You are not responsible for his parents feelings or their beliefs about "killing" a baby. Those are drama filled words with absolutely no basis in reality. You had some cells that divided and you got rid of those, much like having a period or being on the birth control pill.It was not a wise choice to tell the other family of your pregnancy until you made your choice. Your boyfriend may have 'turned around' due to family pressure, but that doesn't mean that he would have been a supportive father, in fact your relationship is over any way you look at it in my opinion. You both are simply not at a place in your lives to support and raise a child and you have your own young lives to consider here. Two wrongs do not make a right. To sacrifice your future for a mistake like this is not always the wisest choice, nor does it make you a selfish person. Quite the contrary. You would have been selfish to have naively thought you could give the baby the life it deserved....people have children for selfish reasons, completely selfish reasons and that is perfectly OK, but do NOT beat yourself up for making your choice that was best for you and your family...I think you did a brave thing and will realize it later after all the drama surrounding this issue dies down.Take care.The only mistake that you made was having unprotected sex. Do not become sexually active again until you are on the pill and have learned how to properly take it.
A
female
reader, Nperscomp1 +, writes (19 November 2009):
Nperscomp1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for the help.... In response to who just last wrote something on here... I got the abortion because I was EXTREMELY sick and couldn't handle it. His parents acutally found out and they were very supportive of keeping the baby. That changed his mind to him wanting the baby. He didn't pressure me to keep it, but he wanted it. Well, my dad found out as well and he wanted me to go get the abortion pill... After I did, my dad and I were the only ones ok with it.. Everyone was really hurt that I took the baby away. I know people say that it's your body its your choice, but to hurt people like that kills... His parents are so hurt that I "killed" their grandbaby... I was in so much pain that I just felt like I couldn't do it.. I was being so selfish... I really regret it... I know I feel better and that makes me happy, but I'd rather be sick than disappoint everyone.. and realty hit me AFTER what I really did... If you want it AT ALL keep it.... He might turn around...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): I feel your pain....
I am almost 9 weeks pregnant....
My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary 2 weeks ago, and then a week ago i found out I was pregnant....
He doesnt want to be a father...he is 8 years younger than I am! Wow, that's something just writing it down.
He's 24. We have told his parents and my mom. She wants me to have the baby, but his parents believe that an abortion might be best. I am aware that it is my body, the choice is mine. He has told me repeatedly that he'll be there for me whichever option I choose, but he wont be a father cause he isnt ready to be one.
I thought that love was enough...for me it is. For him, he says that he doesn't know that I'm the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with even though at the moment he loves me.....The truth is always hard to hear...but making the right choice is even harder.
I'll keep you in my prayers. Good luck.
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female
reader, Nperscomp1 +, writes (1 November 2009):
Nperscomp1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advise. I am going into the clinic on Wednesday and will be able to ask more detailed questions and things. We only told my sister and his brother (and wife) b/c we needed help, advise. Not because we were excited about this. I really wanted to be a stay at home mom when I had kids... that's not an option right now and really gets me down. Also sometimes I am ok with the idea of doing the abortion pill... not all of the time, but my sister would freak if she found out I was planning on doing this (we just found out she is pregnant too). I dont plan on telling her about this until after it's done -- If we do it. But his brother and sister in law know we are thinking about this,,, they are really against the idea. They tell us we can be great parents and it will be hard, but they will help with anything. His brother also told him that his parents would be so happy after they get over the shock... but he still doesn't want to keep the baby. I am just torn. I don't want to be a single parent... I hate being alone
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reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (23 October 2009):
 I think you got great advice. I do think that you've been misled about the Abortion pill (not like I'm recommending it, but it's an option and it's out there)
"Future Fertility
According to studies of the FDA (Food and Drug Administration) and the National Abortion Federation, there are no known long term risks associated with using mifepristone and misoprostol. Therefore, women may pursue another pregnancy whenever they feel the time is right after having a Medical Abortion."
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/abortion/abortion-pill-medication-abortion-4354.htm
http://www.fwhc.org/abortion/medical-ab.htm
So, I'm just relieving you of that stress... if you do end up using the abortion pill, it won't endanger future pregnancies. People say that to freak you out, but it's just a lie. However, you have a lot of options open to you. If YOU feel like abortion is best, there is no judgment here (your body, your decision), but you could also go the adoption route, or since you have such a supportive family, you could choose to have it and use them as your rock. Perhaps your boyfriend is not dependable, but your family seems like they are.
Any choice is good and valid. Go to a doctor you feel comfortable with and talk about your options together.
Good luck, sweetness!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): I was 22 and expecting, the father didn't want to know, so I went it alone. I am not saying it wasn't hard because it was, but I wouldn't change anything. I did meet someone and later & married him, we haven't been able to have children of our own, I do think it was meant to be so we could have a son.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): I am with older sister on this one. I don't understand why you told your other family members without first having made a decision on your own as to how you were going to proceed. It is very early in your pregnancy, many women who are married don't tell people this early for fear of being disappointed with a miscarriage.
I don't believe you are killing a baby at 5 weeks. Let's look at the biology of pregnancy before you go into the dramatics of saying you are killing a child. Words are powerful, and the more drama filled words you use during your decision process the more likely you are to make the wrong decision for you.
This is a very personal decision and one that no one can advise you on how to make that choice. Think of what is best for you, it is your life that is about to change forever and you matter...remember that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): I found myself in a similar situation when I was 22. I was away at school and found myself pregnant and very confused about what I was going to do. When I told my boyfriend, he said he was not ready to be a father. He did not want to tell his family because he thought they wouldn't be accepting of the situation. I too was afraid to tell my family because I did not want to disappoint them. The thought of being a single parent was also very intimidating. I was in college, working- but only making enough money to support myself. I was afraid my baby's father would not help out and the thought of doing things alone was very scary. I decided abortion was not an option I was willing to choose. I discussed my decision with the baby's father. He was not happy and said that he wanted nothing to do with the baby. Faced with being a single parent, I ended up telling my family about the pregnancy and while they were shocked, they were supportive. I had my baby. The baby's father is not involved in our lives in any way, which can be difficult sometimes, but all in all, things are working out OK. I have moved on with my life and am currently living with a great guy. He was very accepting of me and my child. We have been together for several years now. I do not know what is right for you at this time in your life, but I wanted to let you know that things can work out. While being a single parent might not be the most ideal situation, it is not the end of the world. It can be hard at times, but at others it can be the most rewarding experience of your life.
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