A
female
age
41-50,
*an't sleep
writes:I dated a man who I fell in love with. We had a baby last year. During the time that I was pregnant we had a falling out and he started seeing someone else and married her. I was a complete fool and had sex with him again. I am now pregnant again. He has told me that he does not want another baby and does not plan to be a father to it. He doesn't pay his child support as it is right now. I love my daughter with all my heart. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. However I am on the fence about keeping this baby that I am pregnant with. I don't want my family to look at me in a shameful light and I am worried that I won't be as good a Mom to my other baby as I should be because I will have to do it completely by myself. It is already very hard to work and take care of her. Sometimes I literally can't even take a shower because she requires my attention. I need some advice as to whether or not I should have this child or not. It is so confusing, I wish it were different and I could be happy about it but I'm not married or even in a relationship with the father. So I'm not sure if I can do it alone with no help emotionally or financially. I already get assistance and I work 30 hours a week. I am old enough to be a parent so age is not an issue. I just am not sure about being alone and pulling it off. On top of that the father is very mean to me and I just want him out of my life. But, if I have another baby by him that will not exactly send him packing. Also, I want to get married one day and I'm afraid that I am missing the chance to be with someone who will be supportive by being in a situation with someone who is not. Please help me out with some advice.
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female
reader, Can't sleep +, writes (7 December 2011):
Can't sleep is verified as being by the original poster of the question I would just like to let everyone who answered this question that I decided to keep the baby!!! He is now here and he is 8 weeks old. His name is Isaac and he is the love of my life! I love him more than anything and everything is just fine. The father is a piece of crap but I managed to get two good things from him... My daughter and my son. He is just beautiful, and smiles at me all the time. When I think back to that confusing time, I am soooo thankful that I kept him because it would be hard to live with the alternative I was considering. He truly is a miracle, my miracle. I am truly blessed. Thanks for the advice. God bless and have a Merry Christmas, I know we will!
A
female
reader, Can't sleep +, writes (13 February 2011):
Can't sleep is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your feedback! It's very good to hear what other people think about things that you're experiencing and can give their opinions without compromising confidentiality. You have given me a good perspective. My mind is not made up yet but I am thinking hard about everything. I am encouraged and thank you for responding.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): To be honest, there's not a lot of advice people can give you. You'll really have to decide whether or not you will be able to cope on your own with an extra child. While also taking into account things like, would you be able to cope better with abortion or adoption or would both leave you feeling too unhappy and stressed. Do you have any family and parental support, do you have a good network of friends.Also financially would you be able to cope? I'm not sure about child support in the USA but I'm assuming your former partner is not paying because he's unemployed with no assets and therefore has no money to pay with. If it's not any of these things then you should persue it legally and force him to pay up.As for getting married one day, it may cause some problems in relationships or it may not, it will depend on the person. If your situation causes someone to leave you over it, then they weren't being supportive. Personally I think that's too far into the future to worry about anyway. I'd concentrate on the more immediate matters at hand.Good luck and remember not to let anyone else's emotional, moral or (and in you ex's case) selfish viewpoint persuade you. You have to make this decision purely by yourself or it could well be the wrong one for you.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Dear Can't Sleep,
I know how difficult it can be to be a single parent. Taking care of 2 young children can be exhausting. Having no support at all from the father is devastating. I can imagine how alone you must feel.
If you really feel that there is no way you can care for another child, then you should seriously consider adoption. That loving choice is often the best thing for the child. It appears that the father would be willing. There are couples all over who have no other way to have a child in their life.
As to this guy's refusal to pay child support. In the united states that can't go on too long. The government gets pretty aggressive after the back child support gets so large. First they attach his tax refunds. Then they take his drivers license. Then hunting license. A judge can even jail him for contempt.
I don't want to dwell too much on that because you are really asking about your future and the new baby. Think about where you could be in a year. You Daughter will be a year older and more capable. Your new baby could be adopted. You can be back to your job after a short maternity break.
You are looking for a man who wants children. How will having your adorable daughter hold that man back. Your ex will be happier to have less child support hanging over his head so he will be more likely to harass you less.
A year is not to long to devote to a human life. I know it's not what you planned, but, we should make the best of what we are given. The best for everyone.
FA
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 February 2011):
 You mention relevant reasons why it may be unwise to carry on this pregnancy and have this baby. It would take a lot of effort and courage to have another baby and if you feel you can't make it ,- don't feel bad. Not everybody is born a hero, and only you can assess what exactly are your resources in terms of strength and resilience.
Then again, babies are not only born from convenience and rationality, they are born from love. The kind of love you already feel for your daughter and that , I think, you'd feel for this new baby too.
We cannot tell you what to do, I am afraid it has to be your own decision. Whatever you decide, make sure it's something YOU want for yourself,- not your family wants,or friends,or society or that sorry imitation of a man that's your married lover.
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