A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am having a lot of conflict with my husband. He is a popular sociable man with literally hundreds of friends whereas I am quiet and very insular with about 3 friends! We row all the time as he wants me to go to family unions and for lunches and dinners with his friends and I don't want to go. I was an attractive woman (I am an ex model) but I just don't enjoy socialising at all and enjoy being at home with a book, watching TV or spending time with my animals. My husband is also highly flirtatious and this makes me uncomfortable. When a woman leans in close and whispers something to him and I later say that I don't like it he will say that she was just making a joke or something, never 'yes you are right it's not a nice thing to do etc'. I was forced into seeing his sister the other day and she started picking on me as I come from a different background, have an upper class accent and am well educated etc and the ribbing went on and on . I took it at the time but when I later said to my husband that it was taking things too far he called it gentle teasing. I am not sure if it is a social /class divide but it is not very kind. I clearly infuriate my husband with my lack of participation but I don't feel comfortable out of my home and my social peers. I know you will all say what on earth did you marry him for and I married him because I really do love him and he is kind and loving but the massive cracks in the class divide seem to be kicking in.My question is after all this rambling how does one curb the rowing and calm down so we can be constructive in our criticism of each other and actually listen to each others point of view and try to repair things.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Sigh.... I do know how you feel.. I'm fairly shy and like staying at home with a good book. I hate being with strangers. My ex had a family who were very religious, and when we socialised, people were often very rude to me. (refusing to shake my hand, walking away, calling me names because I'm an atheist)
I however loved the man, and would never leave him alone amongst his friends and family. No matter how sick it made me, or who was rude to me, I put on my clothes, put on a smile and went to every family event. I invited his family to dinner, I introduce them to my family and tried to make us all one big family... (that's what I think is how relationships are supposed to work)
It worked well for me... mum started calling me daughter, my religious beliefs became unimportant, they started smiling at me, we were allowed to eat at the table instead of staying in a separate room, every one started hugging and kissing me lots... even his dad jumped out of his deathbed and danced like a little kid when he saw me...
But that's what I think people should do in relationships, I'm not expecting you to do the same. When you see them however, remember a smile is catching and spreads love and harmony quicker than silence and frowns.
Look in your heart.. what type of marriage do you want? (knowing he can't delete his family easily)
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 February 2011):
"The massive cracks in the class divide seem to be kicking in..."
From what you say they seem to be mostly on your side.
"I don't feel comfortable out of my home and my social peers"
Your husband is a social friendly man, who marries an ex-model and expects her to have at least minimal social skills. Instead you hide away, criticise his family and friends, and ignores the people he cares about and has grown up with. You married him because you love him, but he must love you very much. I bet he gets plenty of people asking what's wrong with you, why your so stuck up and hoping he'll announce a divorce soon.
Part of "support" in married life is trying to appear in public with your partner so they can show you off. When your not there, everyone just assumes he's got a crazy wife at home, or your marriage is in serious trouble.
No matter.. we must do what we can do. Your not social, your anti-social to the point of rudeness. Don't change anything, your husband understands and loves you. He's probably grown use to appearing as single man, and I bet there are family memebers who are desperate to find women to keep him company and make up the numbers.
But if your allowed to stay safely at home, then leave him alone to joke, flirt and have fun when your not around. He shouldn't criticise you, and you shouldn't criticise him or his family and friends.
Funny thing about class.. What you see as being "uncomfortable", his class sees as "thinking she's too good for us". If you were a girl who was more comfortable with people you'd probably be laughing, joking and flirting rather than getting upset when people try to make conversation with you.
It's not a problem.. your love is strong enough to ignore outside demands. Don't worry, but don't judge, it's hypocritical and not fair. Just make sure you turn up to funerals, that's the only thing that you really need to do.
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A
female
reader, Lisa206  +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Put your foot down.
Only go to the main events: Christmas thanksgiving Easter etc.
Drive yourself so you can set a time limit in your head and go off to your next "appointment" which could be dropping off food at a homeless shelter on Xmas or think of something when you have had enough of the "gentle teasing"
I have had this happen before almost exactly where everyone was threatened by my success and clothes and car and continually dropped these comments so now I do not go to any functions at all but I do hostess once every six months so people are on my turf and less likely to "tease me"
What you are going through is VERY REAL. Men minimize our feelings because they don't want to deal with them
Be firm. Explain as you would to a child that "when this happens it hurts mummy's feelings - the end". No arguing about why you feel that way and how you shouldn't feel that way and now you are a bad person for feeling that way
Protect yourself but don't shut down
Let us know what happens
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): Compromise. If he wants to go out, go with him. Tell him you love him and want to make him happy. So you'll do what it takes. But he has to meet you half way.If things he does while you are out, like being too friendly with other women bothers you, tell him he needs to stop. Period. That's not acceptable behavior in any marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): Ok..now where do I start? First of all, you really need to grow up. All this nit-picking about class is just so 'oh purlease'. By the way you are failing your marriage by refusing to be his companion. That is no lie. How long before he starts to think he married someone he has nothing in common with, and there will be some woman out there who appears to fit the boot. Google 'his needs and her needs'. You find that one of a man's need is companionship. Even if you do not go with him to all these events, make a compromise so you can attend some at least. All this 'I'd rather sit at home with a book' is oh so immature and a tad selfish. If you do not want to be outside your home or 'social peers' as you call it. why did you get married?? Why did you not marry someone from your social status. It would save you and us having to discuss this as an issue. Sorry love, but you both have to modify your behaviour and compromise as a couple. If you two want to keep on 'doing your own thing', then I'm sorry to say, it will not bode well for either of you. Saying I married him because I really love him won't cut the mustard when sustaining a relationship. you have to compromise, sacrifice and work at it
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