A
female
age
36-40,
*shleymc1987
writes:Do you think people can forgive and forget. Do you think a relationship can continue and grow after someone has betrayed you...My boyfriend was the definition of a loyal, kind, caring man that would do anything for someone in need. He had kind and loving parents who I really respected. He was brought up very well, and was taught to respect woman and how to treat people. He held every single door open for me I ever came accross he would drive me every weekend an hour out of town to take me to work. We had a very special bond, we both have a form of depression and we are very supportive for eachother. There is plenty I could tell you, but I don't think it will affect my question. This past Sunday, We had spent a couple hours on his laptop watching movies. His msn was signed on at this time. I do not know his password or every had any need to know it. I trusted him so much we have never had a disagreement, a fight or ever had trust issues before..we honestly have never disagreed about anything. While he was in the shower I happend to look around on his msn and it escalated into me being curious as to what sort of emails he was receiving. After looking at the titles of only a handful of emails he had, I noticed several registration and other emails from Adultfriendfinder.com. To my shock and disbelief, he had become a member of this site a week ago. His profile showed him looking for an intimate encounter and described himself as an easygoing person. That his location didnt matter. That he was willing to travel or move for the right person.This is a man who had me convinced I had met my soulmate. We talked almost daily about our future..marriage..kids..you name it we had very good goals for ourselves. His past relationships didnt last because of girls that wernt faithful to him or left him for various other unknown reasons. He had obviously been hurt in the past by some people that betrayed his trust. I would like to mention, I have only been in a couple relationships that all ended in my partner being unfaithfull to me aswell as two boyfriends who abused me and left me with broken bones and in the hospital for several weeks. That is another story we dont even need to get into. My boyfriend knew going into this relationship that we both had trust issues, that we both had broken hearts and that we needed to take things slow and truely get to know eachother well. I thought this was a good idea and showed a lot of maturity and strength from both of us because honestly after the things that happend to me in the past, I though I could never break down my walls and trust another with my heart again. Getting back to my story, I waited awhile and eventually broke down and confronted him. He hasnt once yelled at me for going behind his back and looking at his email,I want everyone to know that what i did was wrong and deceitfull I should not have done such a thing. I was obviously looking for something bad I knew I was going to find. When they say you get this gut instinct I think its really true I just had a feeling that maybe our relationship was too good to be true. Him and I have not had sex with eachother. We are not virgins, I am just not ready to fully give myself to him. I dont think this is a case of not pleasing eachother because we have never lacked excitement or pleasure in the bedroom.He never actually denied it, but he only says he went on it to look at porn and to meet people on it. What eaxactly he means by that i dont know. He said he was not looking for sex, he said hedid not want that from anyone on the site. If you do not know what this site is..well you can see for yourself it is a sex personal advertisement website. A sort of no strings attatched place to meet sex partners.He has spent the past two days bringing me flowers and teddybears wrote me emails every hour of each day came to my house several times to apologize. He realized you can do anything on the site without paying. He doesnt have a credit card.My Question is :Do you think this is a form of cheating on me. Do you think his intentions were to perhaps cheat on me. Can you go on these sites just to look at porn and live webcams. I am so hurt and confused he has given me an apology that the queen couldnt have written better herself. He cried all night infront of me and has spent all his time into knowing how sorry he is now. Do you think it is something that can be excused. Do you think a couple could get past this and even become stronger after this. Do you think its fair to continue in a relationship with someone you dont trust. Have any of you had a similar experience. Do you think this is all an indication that i may have a cheater on my hands ( he has told me has never cheated on anyone in his life and never would) lease any advice would be extremely helpfull.Ashley
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): how far would he have taken this to, you would never know because you caught him advertising his "need".would he have actually gone through with it all, YES. he took the time and effort. I like this profile: "His profile showed him looking for an intimate encounter and described himself as an easygoing person. That his location didn't matter. That he was willing to travel or move for the right person." Does this not scream at you his intentions?Forgive and forget, only if he is a sure thing. Your sure thing was exposed for the "possible cheater" that he is. Be very weary going forward.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): He didn't cheat on you, whether he was looking for porn or for another person/people to fool around with. He was just thinking about it and the "why?" is irrelevant.
He may be thinking about leaving you and/or he may not want to be in a relationship; he may just be looking for a sexual relationship, which you do not have with him(and I am not, by any means, suggesting that you begin a sexual relationship to keep him. Do not.).
The real issue here is not him or what he will/won't do or what his intentions are. The issue at hand is why would you continue a relationship with someone that you don't trust? Why are you continually entering into abusive/unhealthy relationships with men who don't deserve your time?
I suggest that you focus on figuring out what you want and need from a relationship and who you are as a person. Determine what you want out of life and do what is necessary to achieve it. When this happens you will find the answer you are looking for about your relationship.
And yes, it is possible to forgive and forget, but you have to be committed to forgiving AND forgetting. You have to be able to trust yourself and the other person in order to do so.
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A
female
reader, dimpleszzz  +, writes (7 April 2009):
He seems a nice enough guy and he didnt actually DO anything!It seems to really care about you not like those other assholes.Just makes sure he knows he wont get away with this kind of disgusting nonsense again and your sorted!!!xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): Typical, the females say it's cheating and the guy says it's not. Look, if you don't like it then ask him not to do that because it makes you not want to trust him and it makes you uncomfortable. It sounds as if that wouldn't be a problem for him. I had an adultfriendfinder account and I have never even thought about cheating. It is just something I did for the heck of it out of curiosity. Mostly to see nude women in there pics. And it's different then looking at porn because it feels like you are seeing someone nude that maybe you werent supposed to see nude. Like kinda taboo. Thats all I had mine for and thats it. I love my girl and have no intention of cheating. Move past this with him and get on with your lives together.
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A
female
reader, Mariela  +, writes (7 April 2009):
 Ashley you have to admit its not cheating finding out that you boyfriend likes porn but what is cheating is him hiding things from you. If he admitted it doesnt matter because in this ocation it was porn he was asking for another person.... he doesnt love you if he did it because he new that if you found out he was doing it you were going to be sad as he didnt care about hurting your feelings.....my opinion is to move on it doesnt matter if you though you were going to be with for ever.... ever could meen till tomarrow for some people.... He lied to you and its not worth it maybe he has cheated on you or maybe he will if you forgive him,..... I just think he did wrong and its not worth you going through this pain.... i just broke up with my boyfriend a month ago we were together for 3 years 8 months and im happy because i'm better with out an abusive person and a person who cheatted on me with 2 of my "bestfriends" its not worth it so im trying to move on and forget him....so you should do the same just to avoid future pain.... Good luk im with you....
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A
female
reader, Dazed~Confused +, writes (7 April 2009):
 Hi Ashley,
All of this sounds very fishy to me. My best advice is to go with your guy instinct. You said that it seemed almost too good to be true b/w the two of you, and if you're thinking that then maybe your gut is telling you something.
I think that he signed up for an adult site like that speaks to his intentions. If he wasn't going to do something immediately, it would happen eventually. If he wanted to look at porn, then why not go to a porn site. There are tons that are free, he did not have to sign up for a site who's sole purpose is to meet people for sex.
Finally, I do think that couples can get past almost anything. However, what you need to ask yourself is whether or not you think you are comfortable with this. Whether you can move on and trust him, or whether this will lead to constant doubts for you. In the end, do what feels right for you.
Good luck.
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