A
female
age
41-50,
*ostandconfusedagain
writes:I need help with a confusing relationship....?I have been dating this guy for the past year. We had the whole commitment talk like 3 months in. At about 6 months he became confused and we took like a week off, still talking the whole time. He ended up telling me he wanted to "try harder" and that he was scared about how much he felt for me, more than any other girl he'd met in his life, etc. Then things went on and after about 3 months, the 9 month mark we started fighting quit a bit. He seemed to never want to include me with his friends and was just being pretty mean toward me.He was being extremly selfish. Not I might note alothough I will say what I wasn't being great about, I was always encouraging him, paying for everything, loving him, faithful, giving 110% while getting very little if at all most times back. I of course wasn't perfect and was probably pushing more bc of it and demanding more. (He had already told me he love me about 7 months in also and he said he thought about our future). Well the arguing got worse and about 2 weeks ago I had had it and said I was done which we talked and I regretted what I said and told him i wanted to work things out etc. He said that he was lost. So for the last week and half he had told me everything from, "I'm not sure I can give you what you need." to "i think you want to settle down, I'm not sure I'm ready for that." to "maybe we can work it out. I think we just both need some space right now." I was of course devistated, I love him..I know I love him and he is who I want to be with. He's told me this isn't about anyone else, etc. That he likes to travel, hang with different people and always on the go but he does enjoy hanging with me so he doesn't know. Well then last night he comes over to see me the first time in almost 2 weeks. I was excited b/c I had missed him terribly and had thought about some things I had done wrong in the relationship and how I was a bit soffocating sometimes. So we have a great time together and he did say that we could be happy together and that he had missed me too so the night was great. When he was getting ready to leave I asked him if we were okay and he said yeah, mumbled something else(which i didn't catch, but was just so happy to be with him) and then kissed me goodbye. He let me know he was home and sent me kiss text night. then i didn't hear from him today and had been thinking since we really didn't talk about things last night, I kinda just wanted an idea where we stood so I asked him and he told me it was only one day and I was pushing him already. that he had told me that we need to take things slow (the mumble i missed). I agreed and appoligized for being pushing about us being in a relationship again that I want to enjoy each other...to which he said ok.I just felt like crying, could I have confused last night that much? Does the last year not mean anything? Can you "take things slow" after a year of dating? I was so upset(mind you all this talk is via text!ugh!) then later texted me about basketball-which I love.but is it that easy for him?..I am soo confused. I have been going through hell b/c I love him and do want to be with him..I just don't understand after a year together what taking it slow means? Does that mean we aren't together? That he could date other people..even though again today he told me it isn't about anyone else. I am so lost and scared to be hurt further. I don't know if taking it slow means just wait for him to want to see me, etc. It's very difficult. I'm just looking for any advice...is he playing me, just leaving me hanging and doesn't really know still if he wants to be with me? I mean what if I do "take it slow" with him since it's on his terms and then he just walks away again? I want to be with him, I just don't get it? Is it possible to take it slow after a year of dating? I don't know what to do or what is going on! help!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): I just experienced the same thing. I learned the hardway that you can't be too 'available'. My suggestion is that he still likes the chase. Give that to him. Don't make it too easy for him. don't call him or contact him anymore. let him contact you and when he does, don't answer right away. Let him wonder about you. Turn down any future offer to meet because you are BUSY. no need to tell him anything beyond that and then suggest a time on your terms. Only make the time a week later.
Don't be so available...men love the chase.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): Ok, first off I know how confused you are and how much this is hurting your feelings. Guys can be very confusing sometimes.But here is a couple of things you need to know. You can do too much for a guy, and he can start to feel suffocated or like he doesn't really matter. Stop paying for everything and stop encouraging him so much. In fact stop trying at all....and lean back and see if he doesn't come to you. Don't call him, or text him or ask him a bunch of questions about the relationship.Instead take your focus off of him and put it on you. Decide what it is you want for your life with or without him. Do you want to be married and to have kids? Is he worthy of you? Do you want to remove yourself off the dating market for a guy who hasn't told you that you are the ONE he wants to be with for the rest of his life. Are you going to fall into the girlfriend trap of dating exclusively a guy who hasn't made up his mind up about you?Or are you going to have the emotional strength to keep seeing some other men (not sleeping with them, but seeing them, having good male friends, going out on coffee dates) and still remain open and accepting of your boyfriend just as he is? Are you able to keep your heart open to other men you may want to date, because your One may still be out there looking for you and this guy is not it!You have been dating a year and usually around a year or year and a half a woman wants to know if the guy is going to want to marry her and we are always so afraid to ask the question or to show our feelings about that. So we settle and we start obsessing about the guy and get off our life's path to finding our happy ever after and follow the guy off the path and follow him around in his confusion.Don't waste your time doing that. Sometimes if you let go of your attachment to the outcome of the relationship and start to see some other men, that is the thing that will get the guy to step up because he realizes that he could lose you forever if he stops paying attention to you.You can even tell him matter of factly that you understand that he "is not sure" and that you don't want to pressure him, that he has the right to take as long as he wants to decide about you, but while he is doing that he can't have you all to himself...that you are going to start doing things you want to do and even see other men. Now you can also let him know that you aren't cool with him dating other women, that if he does that you will assume he has decided he is no longer in pursuing a serious relationship with you....that may seem unfair, but as a woman you are the selector in this relationship and you can't give your power away to a man who hasn't show that he is worthy of you....and that's the way it is.....he needs to pursue you, not the other way around. And when you started paying for everything and chasing him down, you stopped being the selector and were the selectee, you gave your power away....and guys like a challenge.Seems crazy, but I am telling you, you can't make him want to commit to you. Because men see everything up and until marriage is on the table and a ring is on your finger as simply dating, and we as women think events and time mean that he is committed to us and it doesn't, not at all. So my question to you, is why are you giving up everything for a man who has not offered you a happy ever after outcome? You fell into the trap of a girlfriend, where he has it all, and you have shot yourself in the foot so to speak....it isn't what we are taught, but that is the way it actually works.Stop worrying about him, turn things around and start backing off, reward him with a little distance and do your own thing, be that interesting, highest degree of difficulty woman that he had to pursue in the beginning.
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