A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am looking for some advice...I have been a new yorker for 6 years and have loved my experience here and all the city has to offer. I moved here from graduate school from the south and left all of my friends and family behind. After 6 years of city life, I am ready for a change. I have an upcoming job interview in California and am excited about the new possibilities and experiences. I have always dreamed of living on the West Coast and recently visited a friend and fell in love with the pace of life and climate. I feel that I have developed anxiety over the years of living in the city and want to get away from the crowds and stressful lifestyle.A major struggle for me will be leaving beind my loving boyfriend and 3 year relationship. I love him to pieces. He is my best friend and my rock. He loves me more than anything and treats me like a queen. Unfortunately though, he is not willing to leave NYC. He is 4 years younger than me and is just beginning his career while I am more established in mine. I have been living in NYC 4 years longer than him and am ready to move on while he is just getting his feet wet here. He has told me he does not want to leave the city for at least 3 more years... He also has a career in city government and with time will likely be more established in NYC politics which may make it harder for him to leave.Age has been an issue in our relationship but we have been working through it. I am 28 and he is 24. We have had discussions about the future and I have discovered that I would like to get married much earlier than him. I decided for myself rather than focusing on getting married I need to focus on being happy and things will happen when they are meant to. After a few talks, he verbalized that he never really thinks about the future and lives more in the moment. We have talked about long distance and will try to make it work if I do end up leaving. I fear that if I do not leave the city, I will be unhappy with my surrounding living environment and may form resentment towards him. Luckily he has been supportive of me through all this discussion and I can not be thankful enough for that. I am looking for advice..I have reached out to many friends and family members but would love to hear advice from anyone who happens to read this. I dont want to lose him but I want to be happy. I would not be leaving the city because of him; it would be for myself and my happiness, but at the same time I dont want to regret anything...In a perfect world we would both move away together...and start our life together...but that doesnt seem to be what he wants :(Advice please?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 April 2013):
 He's not the man for you. After three years together, if he wanted to marry you he'd know by now. Yes, things need to go at their own pace, and I'm not saying he doesn't love you. But if marriage was his goal when it comes to relationships he would have thought about it, and after three years with you he would have thought about the possibility of marrying you. So when he says he hasn't really thought about it, it tells me marriage is not in his plans. At least not now, and who knows.. maybe never. Whereas you know what you want, you want a husband at some point or the other.
You can't sit and wait for him indefinitely, if he hasn't even made up his mind on whether or not he wants to get married in life. So I think it is fair to say, the two of you want different things. And you're not compatible.
Add the age difference, add the fact that he wants to stay in a city you are ready to leave etc. etc. He doesn't love you more than anything, even thought I am sure he does love you. But he also needs to put himself before you, which he is doing by choosing to focus on his career and staying in the city he wants to live in. He doesn't put your relationship first. Not that it is necessarily a bad thing, but if you want a man who stands by your side no matter what.. And loves you more than anything.. Then this man isn't the one.
The way I see it, even if you try long distance relationship.. Long distance relationships only work if the goal is to be together. If the two of you were to have a long distance relationship you would be without a goal to be together. He doesn't plan to move near you, you do not plan to move back to NYC. In this case there is no point in having a long distance relationship as you do not have a goal of being together.
Did it ever occur to you that the perfect man for you might be in Cali waiting for you? That's where you want to be right now, and perhaps that is where you will find the right man for you. There is little point in staying with your current boyfriend when you want such different things, and don't even want to live in the same place. It is a sign you shouldn't be together. Even if you love one another, end things on a good note and be friends rather than a couple. Being long distance you would be reduced to friends anyway.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 April 2013):
 I think that you are operating from an excellent concept : beginning to build the future you want ,with the experiences and in the places you want, i.e. tryng your best to become happy and to make for yourself a life that would suit you just like a custom tailored suit. Once that you've got the life you want, or pretty close, then you'll allow into it the people who enhance and complement it easily and adequately. First the most fitting suit, then the accessories to match :).
It sounds heartless- lovers and husbands are persons, not shoes or handbags - but it's not. You are still young , he is even younger, how many chances are there that in 3 or 5 years he'd still want to even be in your life even if you never left ? Not terribly many, from what you write. In a way, yours is a problem of age gap, age gap is a very elastic concept, 15 years of difference can be nothing, and 4 years too many, according to which stages and phases in life you are. He - diplomatically - told you : as of now you are going strong, tomorrow who knows, there are no guarantees. So it would not make a lot of sense to sacrifice what seems to be your heart's desire (California ) for a love that it is true, I don't doubt it, but it is all in the here and now.
He is 24, marriage for him is not a precise plan, but a vague possibility some time down the line, he is just starting his career, and apparently it's a career that ,if all goes well, will tie him up in NY even more, he just relocated to NY two years ago , he is not ready to relocate , he's probably still " making friends " with New York , its pace, its lifestyle, he still has got many things to do see experiment there ( insert wistful sigh of ex New Yorker here :) . Conclusion : nobody's fault, but, you are in two different places now ,mentally.
I think too that if you don't take this chance and don't, at least, give it a try, you'd regret it , and maybe you'd feel unjustly resentful toward your BF.
If you both are willing to put effort into it, you can try an LDR ( but, remember, no LDR can stay LDR forever, at some point, someone HAS to relocate ! ). Who knows, it may work, at least it can help you to clear your mind and decide what's more important for you. But- don't bet the farm on it, when people feels such a powerful urge for a change of scene, for starting totally anew, generally this hunger for change also includes their romantic relationships , whether they want to admit it or not :).
A word of caution, though - if your main motivation is to be away from the crowds and the stressful lifestyle... well, it depends WHERE in California. I also lived a few years in LA, and , don't get me wrong, it's a fantastic place, but.. substitute the throngs at Manhattan intersections with the epic traffic jams you'll be stuck in LA, and I'd say more or less the stress level will stay the same :).
Good luck !
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