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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyone i have been with my bf for 6 yrs now. About 6 months back i found porn on his laptop.he apologized, we broke up and patched up again. He promised he would not watch again. I posted here regarding that and i got many answers which helped me to overcome the situation.last week i found porn again on his latop.when i asked him he started to fight with me telling he watched them during our breakup. Next day i had to leave early to my place so we couldnt discuss much about the fight. Now again things are kind of ok.we speak every day.what do i have to do now? Is it the lack of communication? But every time i start a coversation regarding the problems he gets into a big fight and i end up crying. Please help!
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female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86  +, writes (5 December 2012):
Anyway the porn issue is no longer an issue as that person has gone now. The next person will be different.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): "I wouldn't mind just fantasizing using the mind it's the physically looking and downloading it is more extreme than just imagining. I'm not the OP by the way."
I don't see how to be honest. Is looking at a romantic movie and downloading it more extreme than imagining a romance? Not to me it isn't. Is watching a guy get killed by a train in a news report the same as me killing him or wanting him to die? No, well then porn is not me wanting to have sex with someone else nor any kind of cheating at all.
But that's just the definitions and rules that we have agreed on, if cheating for you is looking at other women naked then that's your choice. But nudity is everywhere, sex is used in everything to sell things, watching two people have sex is as wrong to me as watching two people hold hands, which is not at all.
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female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 +, writes (5 December 2012):
...because every night my husband comes to bed and kisses me and cuddles me and loves me.
I've read that before it still doesn't sink in and I'm guessing the OP will possibly be the same I noticed she had the same mindset as me.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 December 2012):
 “What I don't get is why don't they know how much it hurts? I've spent a year trying to figure out why my ex boyfriend didn't think he was doing anything wrong. He didn't seem to grasp the fact that he was in a relationship. He kept saying you weren't there, so he was still my boyfriend on paper.”
But female anonymous: I am a female and I am not hurt by my partner watching porn. I never was. Apparently neither was my mother as my father had Penthouse and other “men’s magazines” in his night table in their bedroom.
My husband (and my prior husbands) are in relationships. I’m there. They still look. BFD in my book… because every night my husband comes to bed and kisses me and cuddles me and loves me. NOT some pixels on a screen.
NOT every man looks at porn all the time (even those that don’t look on a regular or even semi-regular basis have probably seen it once or twice in their lifetimes) and NOT every woman finds porn unacceptable. It’s up to us to find the men that don’t like porn full time and match them up with the women who don’t like porn either.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): I wouldn't mind just fantasizing using the mind it's the physically looking and downloading it is more extreme than just imagining. I'm not the OP by the way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): "A lot of people will go mad at me for saying this but at least they had their girlfriend in mind, she was involved somehow even if it was for a bad reason."
Why would anyone go mad at that statement? I don't see how it's logical though. My girlfriend isn't the only thing or person on my mind 24/7, I do find other women attractive looking too you know. Women don't own our brains and can't be the sole focus of our minds 24/7.
My girlfriend fantasizes about other guys and situations, as do I. I'm bald, white and short. Sometimes she likes to fantasize what it would be like to have sex with a big six foot black guy with a huge dick. That's no reflection on me, she just likes to fantasize about other realities, the same as I may dream of what it would be like to be a famous rock star. Doesn't mean I'm unhappy in anyway with not being that, just means I like to dream of other realities.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): I have yet to meet a guy who intentionally used porn to hurt his girlfriend. I'm sure there are spiteful dicks around that have but it's rare I'd say.
A lot of people will go mad at me for saying this but at least they had their girlfriend in mind, she was involved somehow even if it was for a bad reason.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): "What I don't get is why don't they know how much it hurts?"
Because it doesn't hurt us. We don't see it the way you do. To me it's like making a joke about Jesus to a Christian, they get very hurt and offended and I just don't understand why from a personal perspective. I can see however that they have a strong emotional bond to their faith and that's why it hurts.
Women who hate porn have an emotional bond to it. That emotion is a negative one but it's still a strong emotional connection. Most of us guys don't have that. To us porn is nothing. That's why we don't see how much it hurts or why it hurts because we don't have the same emotional attachment as you and we don't care about it.
He didn't think he was doing anything wrong because to him he wasn't. Personally I agree with him. Both me and my girlfriend enjoy porn, we see nothing wrong with it, so how could we then see it as "doing something wrong"?
It's just a difference in belief OP. And I've had many discussions with the very intelligent and well researched aunt person12345 on the topic and I still hold that view, even after reading all the material she has on her profile. To me there is still nothing wrong with it, what I have learned to accept from those debates is that people don't have to share my view on things and it's better that I stay away from women who hate porn because they'll just get hurt by usage.
It's just a difference in beliefs female anon, I have yet to meet a guy who intentionally used porn to hurt his girlfriend. I'm sure there are spiteful dicks around that have but it's rare I'd say.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): What I don't get is why don't they know how much it hurts? I've spent a year trying to figure out why my ex boyfriend didn't think he was doing anything wrong. He didn't seem to grasp the fact that he was in a relationship. He kept saying you weren't there, so he was still my boyfriend on paper.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): Why couldn't you check it? Hmmm you could say at least he knew it was wrong enough to hide it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): Yup the files were saved in a hidden folder. I could not check the date. It is very heartbreaking.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): Were the files saved? Right click and check the date by date created. If they were from when you were split up don't worry that much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): @happyplace lol, those things probably wouldn't sell as much as porn for men because there isn't much call for it, not alot of women are visual.
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female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (3 December 2012):
 It's his defensiveness I'd worry about. He is emotionally stunted if he cannot talk to you, without fighting. That's a big red flag. I'll be happy about porn when men do what women do, and there is a level playing field. When men pole dance for women, when men pose in a suggestive way for women, when men lap dance for women, when men spread their legs in a jizz mag, when men dress up for women in scanty underpants, but bear in mind only the handsome men. We don't want any short, fat ugly geezers, we only want to wank to the good looking ones!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): NOT ALL MEN WATCH PORN. There is more chance when they are single, in relationships is different and some men deem it not of use anymore.
There is nothing wrong with disliking your boyfriend using porn, it is a perfectly normal reaction regardless of whether you're there or not when he is doing it. I still don't get the "you're not there" excuse because the problem is they are still looking at someone else that is not their girlfriend.
I thought my ex boyfriend was only looking at me, then i found out he wasn't. I was destroyed. When confronted he didn't seem to understand what he had done and that was the thing that turned me off him.
I don't get how a man can watch porn and not be reminded of his girlfriend once.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (3 December 2012):
Asking him to not look at porn when he is alone is a bit wierd unless he doesnt want sex with you afterwards. Unless the porn he likes to look at is illegal or particularly gross or perverted whats the issue? Its like asking a woman not to read cheesy romantic novels or suggestive womens magazines....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): Thanks for all your advices. I feel he cheated on me. Many may think porn is no big deal but i feel like he cheated on me. Should i just forget everything and be with this guy or shpuld i just leave him? He accepted that watching porn while being in a relationship is bad and he did it during the time we had broken up( 3 months).
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 December 2012):
 More people don't watch porn than are gay (three times as many), how many gay people do you know?
I think the study was pretty well conducted on account of it being done by the Kinsey Institute... It also matches most other well-conducted studies and polls done.
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (3 December 2012):
Honestly, I think porn is a "pick your battles" type of situation. Unless he's addicted to it and chooses porn over you, I don't see what the big deal is. Okay maybe not ALL men watch porn, but if only 25%-30% don't watch porn (and that depends on the how the study was conducted and if they were even being honest), that means that MOST men watch porn. Good luck finding that needle in a haystack.
So you can go on fighting about him watching films you don't approve of because obviously he's going to do it behind your back anyway. Or you can try to find that small percentage that claims to not watch porn. I'm not saying porn is okay, but really, there's more important things to worry about--like him having sex with another woman instead of having sex with himself.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 December 2012):
He's already shown he is not willing to stop watching porn, he simply believes he has the right to decide what is acceptable in your relationship and that if you don't agree, he can lie about it. He's shown his true colors (he'd rather lie than deal with coming to a solution) and it's probably best for you to just move on and find someone who doesn't watch.
"All men watch Porn. Those that say they don't are lying. It's just a part of being a modern male. "
No, not all men watch porn. About 25-30% don't watch. Anyone who says all men watch porn is trying to justify his own personal use by removing personal responsibility. Because if all men watch porn, then he can't possibly be expected to go against his nature. Problem is, not all men watch porn and porn isn't natural.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): Just try and consider that you are asking him to change a part of himself that has been ingrained since he started puberty.
All men watch Porn. Those that say they don't are lying. It's just a part of being a modern male. The thing is, the decent amongst us keep that private and know how to use discretion.
It can feel very annoying when we are judged on the fact we need visual aids more when self-pleasuring. And for the most part, that is all we use it for. It's like the Vibrator for guys.
I'd just let it go. Tell him to be much more careful about erasing his internet history and NOT to store it on the computer. Simple as that. You'll never hear about Porn again.
Flynn 24
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