A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help. I know that there are a TON of porn and strip club questions out there, I know. But I really need some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year, and it has been great. We get along so well, we have a lot in common, etc. The issue for me is about insecurities. I haven't really talked to him about this yet because quite frankly, I don't know what to say and how to say it...but I am really insecure over porn and nude magazines and strip clubs.I know a lot of men do it, that's fine, that is their business. And I know a lot of women do it to. And others just don't care. But I can't help but care! I want to be one of those women that doesn't care if their man looks. I really do. I know that these women in porn or strippers are a fantasy, I get it. But I still get upset over the fact my boyfriend looks (he doesn't know that I know he does). I know there is obviously a reason he is with me and not them, but still. I am just really confused and I just want to understand and be ok with myself. I don't think he is addicted or anything.I want to be his everything; his fantasy, his dream girl or whatever, just like he is mine.So my question is how do I cope with this? How can I learn to be ok and confident with myself and the relationship? Men, if your wife or gf came to you with this type of question, how would you feel? How would you talk to her about it (what would you say to her).Thank you so much for any advice, I truly appriciate it. xo*Please don't be mean, I am really desperate and just want to insight.*
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for your answers and advice. Although the "obsessive" answer from Miamine didn't really make sense; I didn't mean "being his everything" quite that literally. Anyway, thanks again! I took all of it into consideration and talked to him about it. He was really sweet and understood where I was coming from, he told me I was silly, (nicely of course), and said that nothing in the world could replace me. While there might be pretty and sexy people out there, I owned his heart and more. I guess maybe I felt neglected because we haven't been able to see each other much lately, that plus PMS was just the tipping point. He even surprised me last night by making my favorite dinner for me and the whole 9. So, once again, thank you guys for your insight. And thanks for being nice and understanding! xo
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (1 September 2012):
 "I want to be his everything; his fantasy, his dream girl or whatever, just like he is mine."This may be a big problem.... it's impossible to be the only thing in a person's world. It's slightly obsessive in a way. You and him are part of a couple.. two different people join together because they are in love.... what your asking is for you to become one person. For him to be like you and shut everybody else out.You won't be able to control his thoughts, his ideas or his dreams. Many people need some space, some freedom to be themselves...That's why many men like porn, a chance to imagine something different. Just like many men like action movies, or many women read romance. People enjoy fantasy, a chance to play with ideas. What do you do to escape reality... or do you think about him 24 hours a day? Is every book, film or piece of music, always about him, him, him... or do you day dream a little bit for fun... just because your human and you can?Your not his dream woman... that's for fantasy, fairy tales and children.. your his sexy woman in real life, the one he can kiss, smell and argue with. Porn women don't fart, but you do.... but then porn women don't laugh or giggle or get in the bath with you.Don't try and compete with some cartoon image of a woman.. instead work out how to be your own sex kitten, doing things that please you and might turn your man on. Might not stop the porn, but might help you put it into perspective.Women at the moment are going crazy for some Mr Grey in a sex book who carries whips and chains... I'm sure very few women want to exchange him for the man they've got at home, or would enjoy the pain. But that's what fantasy is for movie, books or porn.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (31 August 2012):
 Assuming you were responding to me, person12345, my point was not that women should change their perspectives so as to enable men to indulge their darker, more animalistic natures, but to empower themselves so they can deal with it more effectively than crying and blaming themselves.
We cannot control what others do. So to rely on a man to abstain from violent porn just so she can feel attractive seems, to me, an exercise in futility. For one thing she must have the means and the motivation to keep him under constant surveillance. What kind of life is that (for her I mean)?
Secondly, as long as her source of security is based on what he says and does and his likes and dislikes, she will be utterly dependent upon him and more likely to make unhealthy compromises to avoid losing him.
It is frustrating to me to watch women trying to keep up with porn stars because they think what a man wants is sooooooo important. If they saw these men and accepted* them as the base, common and predictable creatures they are, they wouldn't waste time crying, feeling bad, trying to change them, trying to reason with them, engaging in activities they despise just to keep him. They could take more effective action much sooner.
That action could be to just leave him and enjoy being on their own or find an even better man who possesses those qualities they admire. Maybe they would choose to stay but they could make changes in their own lives and in their relationships that would allow them genuine and long lasting happiness. Whatever decision they made, they would be confident, secure women who believed in their own value and didn't need a man to validate them.
*By 'accepted' I don't mean accept as boyfriends and learn to love it or resign oneself to a life of being second best. I mean accept the fact that such men exist. I don't like the fact that serial rapist/murders exist, and much as I'd like to, I cannot wipe them from the face of the Earth. So I will take all reasonable precautions to protect myself and those I love from being harmed by them.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (31 August 2012):
 If men are getting off on violence against women they are the ones in the wrong. It is not women who need to change their perspectives on this. Given that globally male violence against women is the single greatest cause of injury to women, women should not be just going "oh men will be men, they secretly want to hurt women. They just need to keep it under wraps!" For a woman finding out her man enjoys watching women crying and gagging on penises is like a black woman finding out her husband supports the KKK or a jewish woman finding out her husband supports the Nazis.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (31 August 2012):
By the way, is there a reason you're posting anonymously?
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (31 August 2012):
If women already know how damaging porn can be then they certainly haven't been injured by anything I've said. They're not timid titmice, but adults who can or should be able to handle the truth.
And I felt compelled to remind some women that many men have a very base, predictable, animalistic side which they keep under wraps around most of us. Because of that I believe some women forget that that side is there or that it doesn't exist in 'THEIR' man (oh not, not him, he's so sweet I just love him to bits'). If they remembered they certainly woouldn't be asking to be a part of his fantasies. I know I wouldn't. Not those kinds of fantasies anyway.
I also want the OP, and women who think and feel as she does, not to see their boyfriend's use of this type of porn (which most of it is) as a reflection of her value, desirability and level of sexual skill, but as a reflection of how base, vulgar and common HE is. If women saw men differently, as they are and not the romantic ideal they want them to be, and had a healthier view of themselves, a man's use of porn would bore them instead of intimidate them.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (31 August 2012):
"Men, if your wife or gf came to you with this type of question, how would you feel?"As you notice, few men bother to answer questions on porn anymore.If you don't like porn, leave himIf you don't like porn, ask him to stop and if he doesn't, then leave himIf you don't like porn, tell him how you feel and why it upsets youIf you don't like porn.. go and ask him why he does and what would make him stopThere are guys out there who hate porn, find one of them and date them... it's hard to change and adult, yourself included... I notice you mention "insecurity".. (other women have different reasons"... go and talk about your insecurity with him.. tell him how you feel.He is an adult and what he's doing isn't illegal. Some women have no problem with porn, some find they like to watch it with their partner.Those are just a few suggestions to look at if you are finding pornographic/erotic material in your relationship is causing problems.PS: Will he be thinking about porn stars when he has sex with you... NO, a live woman, a woman you love is always the best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2012): Ciar...you are only confirming why porn is such a dangerous game to play for some men....if THAT was MY man's fantasy? I would be running for the hills...that's scary, and disturbing on so many levels....just what unscared women want... to be abused and treated like trash like the scared women are...I feel sorry for the women who have had to endure this kind of behavior...who allow this kind of behavior just to make a buck...
I think that was completely uncalled for to post something like that...like women don't already know how abusive this kind of porn is and why they are so distraught with such images...and with the men who use it to pleasure themselves.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (31 August 2012):
I wasn't going to respond again, but why would you want to be a man who fantasizes about treating women so violently? How could that possibly be a POSITIVE thing to have your boyfriend fantasizing that he's gagging women and making them cry and treating them like toilets and having orgasms to it? Even if he's not actually the one hurting the women, he's not only enjoying it but aroused by it. That's almost as bad.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (31 August 2012):
It might help you to know that when your boyfriend (or any man) fantasizes about the women in porn or nudie magazines he isn't picturing himself passionately entwined with them. He isn't imagining candle lit dinners for two or long walks on the beach at sunset. He doesn't care when her birthday is, what she wants for Christmas or when their anniversary is. And he's not interested in cuddling afterward.
What he DOES picture is ramming that 'tight p***y' until she screams, ripping her ass open with his huge 'c**k' which she just can't get enough of. He's jacknig ot thoughts of grabbing her by the hair and forcing her head down while she fellates him and shoving himself so far down her throat she gags and her eyes water (he's not interested in performing oral sex on her by the way). Then he wants to blow his load in her mouth and all over her face. When it's all done she goes away without a fuss and he doesn't have to feel bad and make it up to her because she is a 'dirty little bitch' who 'loves' it (so supposedly everyone wins).
Sorry to be so crude, but that is probably more along the lines of what he's fantasizing about than what you have in mind. And it's why you're not in these fantasies.
The person whose opinion of you should matter most is your own. His use of porn is a reflection of him, not of you.
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reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (31 August 2012):
 Don't stress or worry you are what I want and who I love that's what I would tell my significant other. I would mention when Im with you one on one I just have you on my brain and porn is the last thing on the brain. Also basically porn is for self help masturbation it makes it a lot less short time and to the point when your significant other is not there cause you may not live together. When my ex watched porn what bothered me was the type he chose like very violent like I couldn't watch it Max Payne type videos discussing. But to get back on topic I would tell you one thing also that with all that sexy sexiness you don't and won't have to worry about no strip club or porn video long as I got what I want and that's you for real. No need to stress or worry these things are nothing compared to you. These things wouldn't cause me to stray although you may think so. I wouldn't stray cause I want you. Your what I want you what I need in my singing voice I want you. You R what I need I crave you. You give me strenghth for real.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): I was in the same situation and i went through alot because it was not all porn. I am not ok with porn, or strip clubs anymore as my exes were seriously addicted and i mean that. Dawn until dusk, dusk till dawn. There have also been trust issues w my current bf, so he doesnt look and hes ok with that. I told him its porn, etc or me. And if i will eventually be alone because men cant cope w my rule then thats fine because its something i need to be secure w myself. I need to be ok with myself and thats the main thing and so do you. But do check out persons profile. Its helpful.
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (30 August 2012):
 I agree with Person 12345. Take a look at her site as she has a lot of good information there. It is not really an insecurity on your part, so don't feel like it is. I think you will get some ideas on how to talk to your boyfriend there. Let us know how he responds.
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reader, Serpico +, writes (30 August 2012):
It seems to me that to a certain degree porn/strip clubs to women :: retroactive jealousy to men.
Both are in fact are in fact a bit irrational taken by themselves, unless, of course, you are the one being effected by it.
IMO, both are relics of our evolutionary past that have become quite inconvenient in modern society. In any event, many many posts on both here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): Do you look at porn? The reason why I ask is that in order to be ok about porn you have to see it for what it really is...sex. That's it.
What you have with your boyfriend is real, it's love, passion, feelings, emotions etc it is so much more than two people getting together and having sex for money in front of a crowd of other people.
See porn for what it is then you will see your loving relationship for what it is.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (30 August 2012):
I have a TON of links/information about this on my profile, head over and take a look. The majority of women are not OK with porn in their relationships.
If you need help talking to him about it, I recommend the book The Porn Trap by Larry and Wendy Maltz. It provides a good framework.
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