A
female
age
30-35,
*ray264
writes:Hi there,My problem is this: My husband has always been addicted to porn. Ever since we first got married, it's been a constant thorn in my side. I have sex with him so I know that's not the problem. I've told him how it hurts my feelings, but everytime I put my two cents in about it, it causes a fight. I haven't thrown a major fit about it since a year after we got married, because of that reason. He gets mean when we fight (not physically, of course. Emotionally- I guess you can say he hits below the belt), so I try to avoid fights if I can. Lately we've been trying to start a family. And I was a bit discouraged yesterday. I cleaned most of the day, and was kind of tired by the time our nightly ritual began. But I didn't skimp on the love. As soon as we were done, he left and went back to his computer. That doesn't usually get to me, because that's just how he is.This morning, I wake up to find he looked at porn last night. Right after I went to bed. He's never done that before, but I found out by looking at the 'properties' of the pictures: the date and time.Now we have had some privacy issues in the past. He feels he needs his privacy, and it's wrong for me to know what he does. My question is this: How do I let my husband know I know he's not satisfied with me anymore without starting a fight?Thanks for any advice anyone can spare.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (13 August 2010):
 Your still angry.. sorry.. but that's what I and the other lady see.. sorry if he made you doubt yourself..
But... I think you may be right about joining in and seeing if porn still holds the same thrill... I really would love to know what he would do about that.. but I have a strong feeling that he would think this means your horny and take you to bed.
Your question was.. "How do I let my husband know I know he's not satisfied with me anymore without starting a fight?"
Ask him... tell him it hurt to know that he could want them porn girls after making love to you.. ask him if he's not satisfied with you...
Don't say it angry, but your hurt, and there's nothing wrong with telling him you feel hurt... there's also nothing wrong with asking him a question.. Don't turn it into an argument, but you want reassurance and I think he'll be able to give it to you.. But please believe his answers, most women don't. If he says he loves you and wants you and your beautiful, then he's telling the truth.
A
female
reader, gray264 +, writes (10 August 2010):
gray264 is verified as being by the original poster of the question When you guys put it that way, I guess I can see where he's coming from.
He was still horny, but knew I was tired.
Never thought to think that he was considering my feelings in this. Wonder why I didn't think of that lol
But if he was considering me, why would he try to hide it that night?
He knows I don't mind the porn. Maybe he thought I'd get my feelings hurt if I knew he was still horny afterwards? It did hurt my feelings, but now that you guys have made me see another view of it, I wouldn't be mad at all if that were the case.
He has told me before that looking at it when he thinks I disapprove of it makes it more exciting. The risk of being caught, he says, makes it ten times better. I can see how that would work.
Maybe I should pretend to like it as he does, and that would kill the thrill?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): OK. So he has improved, I guess I missed that part. That's great! Unfortunately for you, if you're OK with porn, you can't police when and where he does it (I'm not saying you're trying). It's kind of an all or nothing. Is it a frequent occurrence right after sex, or just this one time?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 August 2010):
Sigh.. now we can answer your question...
"How do I let my husband know I know he's not satisfied with me anymore without starting a fight?"
mmmmm... I don't think he wants you any less, indeed I think he'd have sex with you until you can't walk anymore.. but your tired, you need sleep, your sex drive is lower, he wants to be considerate.. you are also sad.. I know how sad it feels when each month blood comes and still no baby...
Yes, he has a problem with pornography, most guys don't need it daily... but he is trying.. you don't like it, so he cut down.. but in competition with you... NO WAY... the man likes sex with you the best, but he likes your happiness even more...
mmmmm... not nice the way he fights and argues though...
I know that it hurts, but he wasn't turning away from you because he didn't want you.. he knew that you was tired and didn't think it fair to ask you to stay awake and try 10 times more..
What do you think... maybe he's just a horny man with a woman who looks too sexy to lie next to and pretend that he can go to sleep....
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A
female
reader, gray264 +, writes (9 August 2010):
gray264 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay lol In a nutshell:
He used to look at it every chance he got. For example, whenever I'd go to the store, or out with a friend. Every time he had time alone, he'd look at it. Now it's just at night. So he has cut back alot.
I don't mind it, unless it's after time with me.
That's what hurts my feelings.
Him looking at it isn't the problem: It's him looking at it after we're together.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 August 2010):
Sigh, just started to write back on your post telling you everything is ok.. but you keep moving the goal posts... I was gonna write all this stuff about how he finds you sexy and wants to make love all day and night... I saw pornography as his way of controlling his desire so he doesn't make you feel like a sex object that has to always give in to his needs...Sigh.. I was gonna point out that you were tired and needed sleep and you may be very upset cause there's no baby yet...That's what I was gonna say, but now you say different things.. you say he cut down on the porn, you say you don't mind it much now, but in your original post you said it hurt your feelings...The more you say, the more confusing this relationship gets... he looks at pornography at night for hours?....How much problem does he have with porn? Does he look at it every night? If he cut down, how much was he looking at it before?I'm confused about what is going on, because your confused and your missing out stuff, or minimising the way you really feel... I'm not getting a correct picture of how you and his relationship works.This is more than about porn, you are right about that, you guys need to talk about a lot of things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): It's not from you at all and it's definitely not because of your views on the subject. Like you've said, a little porn every now and then isn't necessarily unhealthy unless it is negatively affecting the partner. Unhealthy in the sense that he'd prefer to hurt his partner than give up his porn, not in the sense that it's interfering with his views on women or whatever. However, when it turns into HOURS spent online, usually masturbating several times, that's when it becomes unhealthy. It's no longer about relieving some tension, it's about actively seeking out porn as some kind of escape from reality (again, not an escape from you). I think you need to try to talk to him. If he won't talk or lies about it, you should try to see if you two can see a counselor.
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female
reader, gray264 +, writes (9 August 2010):
gray264 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should surely be worried then.
It's hours a night he looks through porn. He doesn't come to bed until around 3 or 4 in the morning, and he starts when he's sure I'm asleep around 11 or 12.
I don't see what he would have to escape from, though. I hardly nag him. I ask him to do things (take out trash, ect) but I don't ride him about it.
Sounds like this issue shouldn't be avoided anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): I don't think this is an issue of him not being satisfied with you, really. He's not doing this because you're not enough or not attractive or something. I really don't think that's the case. I think he's using it as something beyond just masturbation is what I think. He's no longer using it to help him get aroused, it sounds like he's browsing porn for fun and then getting horny as a result. Do you know how long he looks through porn at a time? If it's longer than maybe 20 or 30 minutes, then he's no longer using it just to masturbate to. He's using it as some kind of fantasy world to browse through and that's not healthy.
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female
reader, gray264 +, writes (9 August 2010):
gray264 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst off, I want to clear something up for Miamine. I do want to say that I am not COMPLETELY against him using porn. He can use it. It's just him using it RIGHT after sex with me that hurts.
I hardly ever turn him down, but when I do, he goes to porn. I understand he needs to get off somehow.
So, to recap, he can look at porn to relieve himself. I never said he can't. It hurts, though, when he looks at porn to relieve himself, right after a romp with me.
How is that unfair? Just curious.
And for the anonymous, I just want to say that I'm not asking him to masturbate without porn. I'm not even asking him to give it up. I know there's no point in asking him to, because I have in the past. I'm pretty easygoing, I've been told. My mother is the type to always push her views on someone else. She's the type to always get her way, or else. I try to distance myself from that type of thinking, and to not force him to give up anything he doesn't want to. I love him, and want to make this work. I just wish we were able to talk about it.
He's a nice guy when we're not fighting. I just want to say, for WordsCards, that we haven't fought over the porn in such a long time. We haven't really fought at all in over a year. We argue sometimes, but no fights. But the fights in the past are enough to make me dodge any subject that might spark one.
When I brought up the porn the other day, and he told me he didn't know how it got there, the tone of his voice was enough to tell me not to push any harder. He got defensive. I'm pretty good at reading body language, so I dropped it. I don't think that was the best way to go to get my problem solved, but I react instinctively to defensive attitudes.
So I guess with that said, I can say that I still haven't been able to find a way to tell him that I know he's not satisfied with just me anymore. I guess I'm afraid of him confirming that.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 August 2010):
"This doesn't sound like a sex drive issue since he used porn immediately after sex." (Anonymous)
I don't know, she said something about 24/7, maybe he wanted sex all night, whilst she wanted to go to sleep... However your very right, he doesn't need pornography to masturbate with, but perhaps he prefers it, masturbation is supposed to be fun and perhaps he finds it difficult without some visual stimulation...
To me this sounds like two people with different sexual desires.. unless this is corrected, I can't see this relationship lasting very long.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): Miamine, he can pretty easily masturbate without porn if his sex drive is that much higher than hers. This doesn't sound like a sex drive issue since he used porn immediately after sex. Rather a need for porn. Porn makes masturbation better and faster, but it's not a need. She also states that she rarely, only sometimes turns him down. That it's an infrequent occurrence. I hardly think it's "unfair" of her to ask him to just not use porn when it clearly hurts her and just masturbate without.
For the OP I wouldn't suggest you give him pictures or videos as seeing as he likes to "hit below the belt" it sounds possible they could wind up on the net.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 August 2010):
One thing that I'm confused about.. you say that your sex drive is lower than his, but then you get upset when he uses porn to relieve himself...
"I get that he has urges, and I'm just not THAT into sex to want it 24/7 like he does. I do turn him down sometimes, but it's not excessive."
What is the man supposed to do? He gets turned down by you, he's not allowed to look at pornography, don't you think that it's a bit unfair of you?
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female
reader, WordsCards +, writes (9 August 2010):
DO NOT start a family with this man. He sounds like he's emotionally abusive. Get out while you can. Things are not going to get better, they will only get worse as time goes on. Having children will make it much worse, and it will be a hostile environment for them.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-porn, I actually watch porn. But you two are definitely incompatible, and he is definitely emotionally abusive, so you have the right to divorce/annul the marriage.
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female
reader, gray264 +, writes (8 August 2010):
gray264 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. I think I might look that book up. I think anything would help at this point. I talked to him about it yesterday. He said he didn't know how they got there. Yeah, lame excuse. I don't know if he thought that would work, or he just thinks I'm that dumb. I dunno anymore. In my opinion, porn usually leads to bigger issues than just him not bothering to ask if I'm in the mood.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 August 2010):
 Don't let him convince you that you were at fault for invading his privacy. I wouldn't go installing keyloggers on the computer, but checking after finding crusty tissues in the trash after he said he wouldn't do it, yeah I think that's fair game. There's a good book for couples dealing with this, if counseling isn't really a good option you may want to read it together. It's called:
The Porn Trap, by Wendy and Larry Maltz
As far as I know it's the only one for dealing with this as an issue in relationships rather than an addiction. And it's a heck of a lot cheaper than counseling, if you just wanted to give it a shot.
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A
female
reader, gray264 +, writes (7 August 2010):
gray264 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was thinking that too.Children don't need to be put through this. So I'm definitely rethinking the family thing. I was thinking he'd slowed down a bit on the porn. The only thing that tipped me off that he'd done it last night, was the tissues in the trashcan. I'd just emptied it the night before, so that was a red flag. I don't like snooping on him, but when I found the new pictures, feeling bad about it went out the window.I'm going to bring it up when he finally wakes up. I'm thinking this was the final straw. He'd never done this before- looking at porn right after sex with me. Usually it's the next day or something. I get that he has urges, and I'm just not THAT into sex to want it 24/7 like he does. I do turn him down sometimes, but it's not excessive. So usually I don't complain about it too much. This just hurts. Like a slap in the face.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 August 2010):
If he absolutely refuses to talk you may want to think about counseling. That way there's someone there who can prevent/moderate the fight. It's very childish to refuse to talk about it. Rather than him sounding like a grown man trying to be authoritative, this porn issue of refusing to talk and picking fights sounds like a belligerent teen with their parent.
"He feels he needs his privacy, and it's wrong for me to know what he does."
This sounds exactly like the typical teen "You're not the boss of me! Door slamming" He probably shouldn't have gotten married if he didn't want you to know what goes on in his life. I'm a believer than you shouldn't have things to hide from your spouse. Is everyone entitled to privacy? Of course. I'm not saying people should police each other or give each other full disclosure. But this is something that bothers you and there's nothing that should be so secretive in your marriage that he refuses to talk about it even though it bothers you. You should definitely reconsider starting a family with him until you resolve this. Do you really want to add the stress of children to this? That tends to make men pull away farther, and for him, more into his fantasy world.
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