A
male
age
51-59,
*illyBoy59
writes:Hi,I have a huge issue. I left my wife a few months ago, an act of sheer madness on my part. I'd been having an emotional affair, I think because of a midlife crisis (no excuse) and had a massive panic attack, leaving my wife for the other woman.My wife filed for divorce before she knew about the affair. Things had gone too far for me to contest it, I had been unfaithful. She then found out. She must have gone through hell, so my suffering anxiety, depression and paranoia was deserved. The other woman has helped me through this, she loves me but I worry about my feelings for her being clouded by guilt.I tried to reconcile with my wife, it went badly. I was on antidepressants and not in control of what I was saying, I told her couples counselling wouldn't work because I didn't love her. I don't know if I meant it, but she was angry, assaulted me, and threw me out. Our divorce is ongoing, I am starting to feel my guilt keenly and would want a return to how things were, but with one difference. The one thing I haven't mentioned is that for perhaps 35-40 years I have been addicted to pornography. Mainly because it is there, I didn't have too tough a childhood, I was a bit anxious, and I did have some anxieties around personal relationships, whether the porn was a factor I don't know. I don't know if my wife wants a reconciliation, but if she did I'd be trying to do that against the backdrop of trying to stop using the porn. In essence I feel as though I have probably been unfaithful to her for a long time, as we barely had a sex life because of my shame. My wife offered to watch porn with me, but I was uncomfortable with this, again likely shame. The woman I left my wife for knows about the addiction, because somehow I am able to talk more openly to her than I ever could with my wife. She would, I suspect, support me, but I don't know. I think I need to stop the porn habit to have a relationship with either but trying to do it whilst handling the divorce could be hard, and I suspect I may have to resume being on antidepressants to cope - they kill your sex drive, so that may help, though the porn was about boredom, habit and opportunity, though it may have shifted my perceptions.I will listen to anyone's advice, I am also aware I may get a lot of criticism for my behaviour, which I will just have to suck up. I have been so foolish.
View related questions:
addicted to porn, affair, divorce, porn, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): I can't give any advice about divorce or reconciling with her. But I can bet that porn has been the biggest factor in your not so good sex lofe with her.. It just sucks your mind and implants really unreal expectations, leaving you feeling shitty about real woman and not finding them worthy of seductive or attractive . Dude just leave this habit for once and all. It will devastate your life completely if you don't. I barely has broken this 15 year old addiction. And I found this had started to affect my marriage life , despite newly married. Make ur choice about divorce or other woman yourself. But brother I would request you seriously quit porn. Visit yourbrainonporn , nofap, reddit nofap. These sites are a good help. Just give it a try and see the change in your life. Trust me broda. Rise up to your manliness. Respect it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2016): As WiseOwl adroitly pointed out, the porn isn't the real problem. The real problem is you. If it weren't porn, it would be gambling, or drugs, or alcohol, or thrill seeking and risk taking. As the female anon pointed out, you do not know your own mind. Ask your mental health professional about mindfulness training and metacognition. You need a good whopping dose of both.The reward circuitry of your brain has been short circuited. Your particular fixation is visually triggered, but if you try to stop without serious help and guidance, you WILL either relapse or transfer to another, potentially even more crippling addiction.The mental health professional who prescribed your antidepressants should be able to help, or point you to a colleague more equipped to handle this set of problems.Most concerning to me is your inability to share your porn watching with your wife. Presumably, she offered to watch with you while you still had a better relationship. Your discomfiture and shame at that suggestion should have triggered some serious self reflection and soul searching. If you had a truly intimate and loving marriage, and she showed interest in that aspect of your life, why the heck wouldn't you have wanted to share it with her?
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (3 May 2016):
 It's banned in Iceland, where's my passport?
...............................
A
male
reader, SillyBoy59 +, writes (3 May 2016):
SillyBoy59 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who have responded so far, it is appreciated. I guess I've had to share this here because of the shame in acknowledging it with anyone else. I think I probably already knew the answers too. I still care for my wife a great deal, and it hurts when my family talk about her not being right for me when I know the contribution I made to this whole scenario, one that I can't tell them about. My wife said she still loves me, but didn't think I'd show the commitment necessary to be with her. I'd like to think I'm trying by acknowledging this. I've been reading Paula Hall's book on sex addiction and I can see that I fall into the opportunity category, though there may be other factors. You are right, I will see if I can go back to my doctor and seek some more help.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2016): http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/discussion-board
Has links (some outdated) to help out men with porn addictions.
Sounds like you were on meds which were not working, discuss with your doctor.
Change won't happen in your life unless you invite it in and make it welcome. Decide if you really want change or will you succumb to the porn brain you've faithfully served all these years.
As Yoda said, do or do not. There is no try.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2016): I you're on prescribed anti-depressant medication, you have to be seeing a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist; or psycho-therapist for your anxiety and depression issues. As far as your addiction goes, those mental-health professionals are where you should be seeking your advice.
As far as your wife is concerned; you are estranged most likely to the point of irreconcilable differences. You're acting out of guilt, not love. You said you're not even sure you love her. If you loved her, you would be sure.
I don't think you can blame porn or your medication for all of your poor behavior and bad judgment, sir. That's a matter of character. You're an adult who knows right from wrong. You can't correct mistakes when you refuse to acknowledge and own them. There may be many factors that attribute or contribute to your behavior (i.e. porn-addiction); but at least you are cognizant of them.
You'd be doing both you and your wife a favor to grant her the divorce uncontested. You can show your goodwill and civility by allowing her to leave without strife and confrontation. You have found someone able to deal with your behavioral issues; and that is the person you should remain with. If you're now claiming you're not sure how you feel about her as well; that is only attributed to your guilt. Which seems to be in a constant state of fluctuation. Perhaps due to your psychological condition. Lets let the licensed trained-professionals determine that for certain.
You can attempt cold-turkey, as far as the porn goes. If it has been a longstanding addiction; that will require some long-term mental-health therapy, regular counseling (perhaps through a sexual-addiction support-group); and a lot of self-control. Nothing works unless you actually apply yourself; and seriously commit to getting better.
Your therapist(s) should be keeping close tabs on your reaction to medication, and any possible side-effects.
We can only offer you general unprofessional-opinion here; and cannot offer suggestions that may conflict with your therapy and treatment program you are currently undergoing.
So, we offer you our support and empathy. I strongly suggest that you consult with your mental-health counselors to help you gain some control over your addiction; and deal with any other possible behavioral maladies that are having a profound impact on your health and well-being. It is usually an indication that people have gone off their meds, when they come to sites like this; because they want to avoid counseling or their prescription drug-therapy. We are here for your support and to offer you advice; but you must take your medication, and consult with your mental-health counselors to help you through all this. You seem quite distressed and my heart goes out to you. However; you should give your wife the same empathy we offer you, and give her the divorce without any resistance.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2016): I think your wife has suffered enough don't you? Take this time to be alone and work on yourself.
You sound as if you don't know your own mind at all.
Your girlfiend deserves more than being a back up plan too wouldn't you agree?
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 May 2016):
 I guess you are looking for any possibility that you could still watch porn without losing either of the two women, so that you won't be left with a gaping hole in your heart, the feeling of emptiness. Sorry, porn is not just possibility a factor, it is the real reason why you had sexual intimacy problems.
There is no advice on how to stop. You just put a lock, a filter in your computer and you use your new free time to do something healthy. It's up to you to follow the advice and exercise self control. You think withdrawal is bad now. I promise your life will change for the better when there is no more porn.
Porn is a big problem in society. It is banned in Iceland. Some states are trying to have website restrictions to protect our children.
...............................
|
