A
female
age
51-59,
*hippy2
writes:Here I go again. My x bf has been texting me he says we will be "forever friends" but he is living with a woman he met and started seeing when my mother was dying and I couldnt/wouldnt devote 100% of my time to him.He wants to meet up with me - tells me that when I give head its the best - wants to know if I think his family will like her - all kinds of advice he wants.He knows I still care about him. and he must about me right? if he stays in touch like this? I havent seen him since mid september for a chat.Anyway, last thursday we were texting and I told him I was tired of him waiting to figure it out. That mutual friends had introduced me to someone and I had gone out a few times - He flipped out! Saying he knew I was going out with guys! (I wasnt and dont want to be.) I went out 3 times with this guy no sex no attraction. and the x says thats it then GOOD-BYE.But wait - He has been living with a woman for the last 6 months in the house I decorated in the bed he and I chose together. Does he want 2 women? Does he want one for his house and kids needs and one for sex and fun? My friends and family think he wants someone simple and plain with a bland job to live there so that he doesnt need to make changes in himself and can feel superior to her.He knows he and I like to banter and I am competitive, educated, and attract attention. I am outgoing but totally in love with him and I have told him so - Now what? Do I just forget him and think that it is his loss? Do I tell him look honey - shit or get off pot? Is he unhappy with her and contacting me?I dont think he knows. Advice PleaseWhat I want is to be with him - he makes me laugh or did but he has some bad and illegal habits
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female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (27 October 2009):
Chippy2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh MY! Thanks to all of you who gave me advice!
It is true that I am broken inside. I ended a marriage with an emotionally abuse man after three children when they were old enough that I could get back 2 real work. Then my perfect job ended also when the business I was working for shut its doors. So at that time I ended my marriage, had to get a PFA from the x to b and had no job. Then I met the new guy - not right away and I thought I was strong enough. I was at first until he asked me to see only him - then I became devoted and thought it would be a fairy tale.
I have gone thru therapy since the job and divorce - still am and have gone to countless - emotional skills classes and made many calls to the crisis center and womens shelter.
Why do I feel this way about me? Does anyone have a clue?
You are all right on that I am broken - I throw myself at him because I know he is the best I have had even though I know that he is indeed a sociopath ( I did look into that before and am sure he is one). He is charismatic and I do think he has a harem and yes I do think also that I must see relationships as a game.
I must need still some other kind of therapy - Does anyone know of anything specific for me to do? I am taking a cocktail of prescribed meds for my mental status. Including depakote neurotin zoloft and lorazapam twice a day.
I must look into myself further. I dont know that I have ever had a 'healthy relationship' I think they have ALL been competitions!
Thanks to all for the EXCELLENT advice - Please feel free to give me additional help - I feel so isolated on this.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 October 2009):
 Chippy, Chippy, Chippy. No no no no no. Do you have no perspective on this? When you read this as an outsider might, do you not see that you look like a woman with no self-esteem? Despite your financial and career success, you tolerated being treated like a can of beer? Remember, I've read many of your older posts on this guy, an I've posted on your questions before.
You never seemed to realize that no matter how much you gave to this guy, all the favors you did, all the money yo spent, all the time you spent doing things for him, all the best blowjobs in the world, nothing was ever going to change his fundamental personality? He was perfectly happy with the set up, while you would write and talk about how miserable and unhappy you were. You have cried an ocean of tears. And you still insist on throwing yourself at him?
All the wishing and all the hoping and all the praying isn't going to change the cold hard fact that he simply does not care enough about you, in the way that you so desperately want him to.
I'm sorry, it sucks, life stinks, but he does not love you. He loves himself. You have children, right? What kind of lesson are you teaching them about love and men and self-respect?
Chippy. He makes you laugh. He has no other redeeming qualities, obviously, as you haven't listed any. He makes you cry so much more than he makes you laugh. Why do you think you deserve to be treated like a disposable beverage? Have you seen a psychologist? If not, it's time.
Chippy Chippy Chippy. No no no no no. Not him, not now, not ever.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): I read your post more than once and it something that ring clear to me. You portray yourself one way to the outside world, but on the inside there is a totally different story.
A woman in her mid thirties (that's what is posted), that is competitive, educated, outgoing, attractive, etc wouldn't dare put up with this man shenanigans. Inside you are broken somehow. Women who are truly comfortable with themselves and confident, do not put up with this type of behavior. As a matter of fact, men like this run with their tails tucked between their legs because they know that they don't have a shot in hell with a woman like that.
This man knows exactly what he wants and as long as he can continue to make a fool out of you that is exactly what he is going to do. He knows full well that you are still in love with him and as long as you continue to run up behind him when he calls, he is going to do just that.
From what I see, you have accomplished a lot and you have a lot of good qualities. Don't let them go to waste on a man clearly not deserving of you. Find out what is going on inside of you so that you can rid yourself of this waste of a human being. Please remember, you can do bad all by yourself. Why do you need the extra weight to bring you down even further? Realize your self worth and find a guy who would love you the way you deserve. No it's not a fairy tale, they do exist. Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): Good advice from Hijacked. Now let's talk about you.
Your post clearly was about him chosing this other woman over you.
You don't care about this other gal and would be happy to take this charming sociopath off of her hands. Yeah, I called him a sociopath because he has no conscience, that to me is glaringly obvious and should be obvious to you as well.
You my dear are into using sex to control men. You want to feel sexually superior to his current girlfriend and think that (no you know) you could win him back with your bestest bj's if you wanted to do so. You aren't totally in love, your competitive nature doesn't like to loose, not even in the game of love. Yes, you see relationships as a game.
They aren't. Healthy relationships do not feel like this. I think you might benefit from some personal therapy to figure yourself out and your attraction to bad guys, bad boys who do illegal things and crap on women and are players, players who have a harem of women who know about each other and do not care because they are so totally "in love" with them and their game.
Get a grip, honey.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): You have put the ball in his court, he has total control of you.. Its ok for him to have sex and live with another women but he wants you to be single..yeah right thats BS. Come on you know what to do... End everything. I would be insulted if a man broke up with me and said I give good head... I dont allow men to talk to me like a hooker, get some class and dignity... Do not give him any free sex, do not give him any advice on this new girl.. If hes not really happy with her he will kick her out, take some time for himself and move on... Hes not educated, hes using you and he knows you bite everytime he fishes. he needs the attention and is playing games... He just wants to see if you will get jealous... Tell him you are dating someone and its none of his bus what you are doing.. Get rid of him, you know you should, is he going to marry you anytime soon. no get a new man get a new life... move out be happy stop wasting such precious time, life is short..
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (26 October 2009):
 Look. He is obviously playing both fields, which is smart for him, because he's obviously found two women who tolerate his inability to make up his mind. This however is not good for you. I would consider it a blessing that a guy who was so needy and demanding of your time that he couldn't even allow you slack for your dying mother finally left you. You should have left him! As for this entire still contacting you business, does his present girlfriend even know that he is talking to you? Is he really going behind her back to get his kicks by stringing you along? What kind of man is that? And he has the nerve to talk to you about 'being friends' while he sleeps with another woman in the bed you two picked out???
Really? Girl, I know you have more pride and worth than that. And to top it all off, he has illegal habits! And how does an over jealous, two faced guy make you laugh? I think you need to rethink this entire thought of you 'loving' him and look at the whole picture. It may not feel like it now, but you are so lucky that this guy isn't really in your life anymore. I guarantee there are men out there who don't do illegal things and actually treat you like you should be. Why are you wasting time with this guy? If he is contacting you while unhappy with her, who is to say that he won't do the same if he gets back with you? He obviously lies. So I'm sure he'll be calling some other girl when he's 'unhappy' with your relationship.
So my advice to you? See how much of a jerk this guy is and stop allowing him to toy with you. Stop contact with him and go out to have fun. This isn't fair to you, and by continuing to even consider him at this point, you're allowing him to dictate your life even when you two aren't together anymore. All the best of luck and I know you can get over this to find someone who deserves you.
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