A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So a few years ago I met the most interesting person ever, he was a university professor and whilst not my type, I fell for him quickly. We had a very passionate relationship, and with that came high highs but worst lows. He was very jealous and I was very needy. I can honestly hand on heart say, I’ve never loved anyone like I loved him. He was in a strange marriage at the time but assured me it was a financial thing, they weren’t together and I believed him as I’d met some of his friends and some family who told me the same, also he stayed at mine a few nights a week. We broke up last year because he became so possessive of me, that I could barely breathe, to be honest, I played my part in that also. He was older and overweight, I was younger and in good shape and I’m told I am attractive, my going out would drive him crazy, strangely I liked that but loathed it. Since then neither of us has been able to leave the other alone. We go through stages of blocking and unblocking each other and I miss him daily. He contacted me about a month ago and told me he was finally leaving his wife for good and that he wanted to make a life with me, a few days later he told me he needed to tell me that he had met someone else but it’s me he wanted. I lost the plot and called his wife as I felt this toxic cycle had to end. She was not aware that over the years, he thought of himself as not married, she was heartbroken. He had told her he was leaving her but only that month. When he found out what I had done, he instantly hated me and told me to never contact him again. It’s been a month and I still have our last chat archived on WhatsApp. Every few days he will unblock me, I will see his picture and timestamp, and then I’ll be blocked again. But no contact. I've sent him a message, he read it and blocked me a few days later. I feel lost without him, I miss him terribly. Every day I think of him, it’s slowly getting to me. Any tips on getting over someone who you have a trauma bond with?
View related questions:
broke up, heartbroken, jealous, overweight, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2024): By being extremely grateful that it's over !
I hope this nightmare is over forever.
You have been his excuse to himself as to why his life was unfulfilled.
Never, ever take him back or communicate.
He is not a healthy individual
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2024): You loved a man you didn't really know.
Thus the feelings you had were not 100% real. You loved the mask he put on for you (and others, obviously), but you also loved your fantasy.
Having said that, your relationship was unhealthy from the get go. We are attracted to people and attract people who reflect our pain, in some way.
Why do abused children pick abusive partners as adults? I think you see where I am going with this.
For some reason, for you it was OK to have a relationship with someone who is not fully available, who is possessive... because you are needy and equate jealousy with love, for example.
I have just given you some material to think about in your "letting-go-of-him" phase. It goes well with therapy.
I've seen many people, mostly women, but not exclusively, who ignore red flags and/or interpret them as somebody else's fault, certainly NOT their loved one's. Some learn, most don't. If you wonder what separates the ones who do, from those who don't - their WILL to do so.
If you let yourself just "float" and expect that one day you'll wake up free of him, it won't happen, because he is just a symptom of a deeper issue and that issue is your target. Unless you deal with it you will fantasize about this man and suffer and fall in the arms of the first phony who seems interested in playing the part in your drama.
I've seen women so obsessed with getting the "man of their dreams" (it was ALWAYS related to some issues with their dads) that they ate up all sorts of BS just to have a shot at their dream, which, btw, the had never had. These men were using them. Most of them were just stringing them along until someone better came along. They put up with things from their "dream man" they would have never put up with from anybody else! So whenever in doubt about somebody you like doing something to you, think about how you would act if it were somebody else.
Please remember that there were times where women had very little say about what goes on in their lives. A lot of women are in this position even today! Use the agency you have and get therapy, get better and move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2024): I know it's hard when we get hooked on someone but he's a serial cheat and liar. This is not love it's passion and that doesn't sustain a long term relationship. You'll end up as hurt as his wife. But then you knew about him being married and went ahead.
Love is an all enduring long lasting deep feeling. Sex is quite something else.
If you want a cheap thrill you've got it. If you want true love then please learn to control yourself and think about how someone else feels. And give it time.
...............................
|
