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male
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,I have a strange kind of fear of intimacy with people. I am 23 yrs old single guy and have never had an intimate relationship for a long time. I did go close to some people like some girls whom i met in my teens and some friends and my brother. But the problem is even when i am close to them, i am quite afraid of being completely honest. The reason is, i have been judged several times by girls, friends and even my brother to whom i opened up my heart. This is very frightening thing for me of being judged for my deepest of feelings or emotions and the pattern keeps on repeating... i go too close and i get judged and sometimes criticised. Strangely though this happens to me with both sexes.. girls as well as guys. Girls either want to possess me when i go too close and guys want to judge and criticise or boss me. All this scares me away from them. For the moment i have stopped going closer than my comfort level to anyone not even my mother who started judging me as well when i opened up to her. I don't trust someone unless i am quite close to them and i maintain a superficial level of relationship that doesn't make me any better. Please tell me what do i do.. Reply to this Question
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reader, becky05 +, writes (4 August 2005):
You dont say what they judge you on, is it something out ofthe ordinary? If so then they are probably just ignorant of different things.
If its over nothing in particular, you have to remember, everyone judges everyone else to a certain degree (im sure you do it yourself, even if you are unaware of it) so I wouldnt worry so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2005): Please seek some professional help to aid you in overcoming this fear of intimacy. You are afraid of becoming intimate with people close to you because it makes you feel so vulnerable. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable before and you were hurt. For others to "judge" you simply because you show your feelings is wrong and these people have mistreated you as a result. It sounds like you have a wounded sense of self due to criticism and unwarranted judgements put upon you..which always interfere with your capacity for healthy intimacy.
People have a fear of intimacy because they have a fear of betrayal and rejection. Sharing who we are then becomes a problem for some, because at the core of our relationship with ourselves is the feeling that we are somehow defective & unlovable, or we are made to feel that way, especially through the unfair judgement/criticisms of others. The only way to overcome our fear of intimacy is to get into recovery and do some inner healing work so that we can learn to be emotionally honest and intimate with ourselves. You need to start to loving yourself and be open to being loved by others. take care and all the best
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