A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Grief... it's the most overwhelmingly horrible thing. I just found out that my favourite cousin was killed recently. It happened two weeks ago and, even though I just found out this morning, the details are a blur.It's hard for me to get this all out because I'm an absolute mess and my feelings are out of whack. I HATE myself for this, am a horrible person and deserve to suffer but it hurts too much... read on to find out why.My mom told me, and now she regrets it. The details are a blur, but if I have the story straight, this is what happened. My cousin had been involved with drugs and had really had a living hell of a life, with addiction, ostracism and depression and had even had a brush with death in the past. In spite of all this he was a good man and I trusted him, but even though I was close to him I was scared because I had this feeling someone from his past would come to haunt him. Apparently he was murdered by a former drug dealer. Part of me is still numb, and part of my mind keeps telling me this is a bad dream, but the horror is starting to "sink in" and I keep wanting to escape the nightmare I'm trapped in and I can't."Last year, I went through a deep depression and living hell, and my cousin was the one who was there for me. Maybe I survived it because of him. I played in a band, and my bandmates started bullying and backstabbing me and a relationship of mine ended VERY badly. I'm a horrible person and I'll have to live with it forever. I'm NOT suicidal but I HATE myself. My cousin was very close to me... practically like my brother... he was a GOOD person, a much better person than I'll ever be. But, if I had been more involved in his life, he might not have gone down the wrong path. I'll never know now. All I can think is that the horror is "sinking in..." "Oh man, I'll never see him again..." "I'll never tell him how I feel about him again..." "He'll never ask me to play the guitar for him again..."I can never forget all the dreams I had for him and now they can never happen. I threw away so many chances to enjoy him and now they're gone forever. Like for example, I studied abroad in Mexico and he always wanted to visit me in Mexico. He also had several tattoos and he was gonna take me to get my first tattoo... ok, I became really depressed about the situation with my band and I was grieving so badly that I stopped playing the guitar, but couldn't stand not playing it... he found another band to invite me to but I never did it because "it hurts too much to play the guitar." He was the only person who believed in my ability to play guitar and now I'll never have that confidence.I wish I still played my guitar, it was always there for me when I was in pain, but now i CAN'T. My band broke up with me and I feel untalented and too stupid to play the guitar, and my cousin, who believed in my ability, is not here to validate me and I feel stupid and foolish trying, it was the thing that I loved and poured my heart into. I'm in so much pain and need to scream, but it's like I have no mouth.He had urged me to pick up my guitar again and now he'll never hear me play. I am thinking of just giving my guitar away but now I feel like I have nothing to live for, my cousin and my music were two of my biggest joys in life. My mom loves me, and means well, but he was the only one who understood me. My mom is one of the few people who care about me, and now when she's gone I won't have anyone else to love me. If I hadn't been negligent, all these wonderful times with my cousin would have happened, now they can NEVER happen and it's all my fault. It's my fault for taking my cousin for granted, and I wonder HOW I COULD HAVE BEEN SO STUPID.My heart won't stop hurting. Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2014): Hi, OP here...Mystique... thanks for your words. And I'm sorry about your father. No one has all the answers, but I can't believe that you, a stranger, took the time to write all that... it means a lot to me Olderthandirt,I don't see what being a Christian has to do with this or how you would know that I am not a Christian. Is it because I played in a band? I go to a non denominational Christian church (I used to be RC, technically Christians but then I changed to NDC).I was a Christian but I am just going through a questioning point in my faith. Anyway, another thing that troubles me... my cousin was an agnostic and I even invited him to church but he was outright hostile to it. But, all the times I didn't write or call when I should have, I was setting a bad example of Christians. I'm so worried that he went to hell... I think it's unfair of God to send anyone there but then I think God is just unfair. I can accept an honest answer, even if it's not what I want... this troubles me..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2014): Olderthandirt,
WHY is it obvious I'm not a Christian? Anyone would feel sad about this.
OP
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 September 2014):
 You are right; grief stinks and it lasts a long time. You obviously are not a Christian, and that's too bad.There's a lot of comfort offered in the Christian belief for these situations. Anyway be that as it may. Try thinking about how he'd want to be remembered and see if that takes some of the daily sting out of it. If not, then busy yourself in working a second job.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (7 September 2014):
 I am sorry for your loss. The pain has to be absolutely overwhelming for you right now. And yes, more than likely you are in shock. You may feel numb for quite awhile, it isn't going to go away over night. The best thing you can do right now is to take care of yourself ok? Surround yourself with people that love you and that you love. Talk about your cousin if it makes you feel better. Tell stories about him, anything that comforts you.
I lost my father almost a year ago. I know that is part of life, but he was my rock. He was always there for me, he understood me and he loved me unconditionally. I was his little girl, even though I'm 50. Even though we lived 2000 miles away we were very close. I knew that no matter what..my dad loved me and believed in me. I had a life, I had children, and I didn't go home as much as I should have. I got busy, sometimes I didn't call him when I should have. He died and I wasn't there..because he died very suddenly. I have regrets..tons of them..but you know what? It doesn't help. It doesn't make me feel any better..it only brings pain..and I can't bring him back. Regrets are NOT going to help..not one little bit. So don't dwell on them!!!
Remember the good times, the happy times, the laughs you had together ok?? He loved you..he believed in you..he was there when you needed someone. Do not let the regrets overshadow the love that you had for each other and all the happy times. Please when you start feeling sad, think of something funny that he sad or did, or something sweet. It will make you feel better, I promise.
There are days when I miss my father so very much..I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I want to pick up the phone and hear him say my name..just one more time. But he's gone..and instead of crying I force myself to remember something that makes me laugh. It didn't happen quickly, it took time. I forced myself to laugh and think of a happy memory when I wanted to cry. Why? Because I knew my dad wouldnt want me to keep crying and be unhappy and filled with regret.
You have to take baby steps and take it minute by minute..hour by hour. I know at first the pain is so terribly overwhelming...and you just feel like you can't go on. But you can..you will..you must.
Seek our counselling when everything has settled down. Find a group that you can go to with others that have lost someone...it helps to talk. It really does.
Celebrate your cousin's life. As long as he is in your heart then he is always still with you.
I wish you peace.
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