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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: the answer to the question why stay is because , part of me believed in him.Part is sooo scared to find out the truth. he is in the military and he lives separately from his wife because of the constant arguments. He left the city where he used to live and asked the base commander to move him to another city to avoid conflict with the wife and her family. He had admitted to me that he is very unhappy with his marriage and would not want to go back to live with her anymore. He is waiting for his son to reach the age of 14 or 15 to make him understand the situation.I dont know why he wants to wait this long , I know the child whether he likes it or not already knows the situation or aware of it. He had told me that the psychologist advice was to make it look as if they are both happy and pretend to be happy when the son is present. I should think that would be the most excruciating thing to do just for the sake of not showing a child how discombobulated your relationship is.He wants to meet me , because I am scheduled to visit his country for business. Should I commit to this, or should i just let him know that it would be a very bad idea if we do so.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 September 2014):
 Over and over (I think this is the 3rd question I have seen on this topic from this poster) you keep asking the same question (he's married and lying to me what should I do?) but phasing it slightly differently in hopes of different answers.
OP I know what will happen.
You will hear what we say and not take heed so that when it's all over and done you will end up here like us giving advice based on life experiences you have had where you screwed up, got hurt and learned from it.
Since you asked, I would not meet him in his country or ever. Rather you should meet with the "estranged wife" and get her POV on the situation. This by the way is said tongue in cheek sarcastically.
He is bad news waiting to happen for you OP.
Sadly some folks (like me) often have to experience the pain before they do the right thing. It is human nature after all.
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (7 September 2014):
 You have been given some very good advice below. It truly sounds like this guy is feeding you a bunch of excuses to string you along and keep you interested in becoming part of a messy and complicated situation and the part of you that is "scared" to know the truth feels that way for a reason - on some level you've recognized this for the fishy situation that it is.
Here's the question I have for you. No need to post a follow-up, just give it some careful thought.
If this STRANGER (because you have not met him; right now he's words on the Internet) is capable of lying to his wife - the mother of his child, whom he has presumably built a life with for years - to conceal his flirtations with you... how much more easy would it be for him to lie to you?
For all you know he's still living with his wife. For all you know they're still sleeping together every night. How do you know he even has a child? Because he lives so far away, you are basically taking his word for all of this, and the very FIRST thing he showed you is that he's capable of lying and concealing things, because he did that to his wife the minute he started talking to you. Involvement with a married man you knew in person wouldn't be any more "right" a course of action, but at least you'd have a way to observe whether the actual situation appeared to match up to his description of it - separate residences, etc. In this case you have nothing but his word to go on.
Of course he wants to meet you - he's hoping to get sex, which would make the time and effort he has spent trying to reel you in worthwhile. You are an adult woman and have every right to make your own decisions; just know you're very likely being used and lied to. Is that really treatment you want to reward with your body and your trust?
Please be careful if you do decide to meet this guy, and follow the precautions of doing so in a public place and letting someone else know where you're going, with whom, and when to expect you back - especially since you'll be in a foreign country.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 September 2014):
 I think you know what's up, but you are HOPING he isn't lying because YOU want to meet him, despite him being married.
The thing is... him being MISERABLE in his marriage doesn't make him ANY LESS married. And it doesn't make meeting up any less "amoral".
I have to say the guy is filling your head with a lot of hot air.
Now IF this guy is American, I will say this.... (can't speak for other nationalities military, but I still find it unlikely). The military doesn't "just" move a guy to another post/base, because he is fighting with the spouse. They CAN MAKE him move into the barracks til the couple has dealt with counseling or the wife/kids have moved off post (specially if the MP's have been involved) - but NO, NO command will cater to soldiers who wants to move away from his family. I saying this with 16 years experience as a military wife, and I asked my husband as well, he served for 26 years. The ONLY way a soldier can get moved is through compassionate PCS (if his mom/dad/wife - immediate family needs to live a certain place for either medical or other health issues.)
Secondly, he wants to wait for the child to be 14-15? Seriously? waiting is NOt going to make it easier on the child, to accept or understand. Thirdly, I do not believe ANY decent/competent psychologist would give such BS advice. It makes NO sense.
So if you like drama, fantasy play, lying and deceit then go ahead and met up.
If you WANT a partner in life, HE isn't it. Because he already HAS a partner, and one he isn't GOING to give up for you.
Come on, you KNOW better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2014): You've posted about this twice now in the last week. Each time the replies have consistantly stated that this man does not want to leave his wife and that he is stringing you along. The reasons he gives for not leaving his wife are excuses - that's why they don't seem to make sense to you, because they are not genuine. He wants to have his wife AND a little bit of fun (you). Most people have been suggesting that you walk away and forget about this guy. I don't think this advice is going to change.
More surprisingly, you have posted follow-ups to all you previous posts saying that you agree with all the replies and that you understand. But it seems that you don't so I will reiterate again
You have not met this guy - you have no clue what he is really like. (He may well be communicating with a whole load of other girls that you don't know about)
He did not openly reveal to you at first that he was married (as far as I remember) - you found this out another way and then he came up with a load of old excuses of why he can't leave his wife.
It's most probable that his marriage is not nearly as bad as he's made out to you and that he has no plans to end it.
Do not meet with this guy when you travel to Turkey. Stop communicating with him completely and find a guy who is closer to home and unmarried.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 September 2014):
 Oh come on, that psychological advise is a load of old hooey, and if it isn't the psychologist needs to be wiped off the register.
Now, based on that, how much more of what he has told you do you think is a load of old hooey? I would say 99% of it.
Meet him if you want the drama of a relationship that isn't a relationship.
He is still married, I'd bet my bottom dollar his wife is unaware he is unhappy. She is probably sitting at home waiting for his discharge so she can start having a proper married (family) life with her husband and child.
Me, I'd be giving him a wide berth, I probably wouldn't even bother with letting him know it was going to be a no show, but you are a grown woman and I suspect, capable of making your own decisions.
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