A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, I've posted this story on a lot of different sites, but I always lie about at least one part because I'm ashamed. I'm going to be honest. I am Madly in love with my teacher. My female teacher, the same gender as me, (that's one thing I sometimes deny) She is married with a daughter only 4 months younger than me, and this teacher is not 20, not 30, not even 40, But 50! (the other thing I hardly ever admit) I am 16 in a few months. I have finally excepted that I am bi. But anyway, The problem is that because I know nothing can ever happen between me and Mrs. X has lead to me becoming sort of obsessive, you could say stalking. At first I thought I just respected her, admired her, looked up to her, I did, and I do. But then I wanted to impress her, with knowledge, wit, and sport abilities. Then it became sort of a crush, I thought it would go away and I manged to block it out for a few months but then, it came back, and it just got stronger, harder to resist because I wasn't in denial anymore, a couple of years later and it's still here. If you've ever seen the film "History boys" it's a bit like that, the term "Limerence" is the best way to describe it now. Wikipedia it.I've never felt this way about anyone before, It's so hard to describe, you probably think I'm sick, disgusting and weird - maybe I am scum, But I've never cared this much about anyone, and she doesn't look 50 or act 50, more like 35 or 40. But the "stalking" I feel is getting out of control. I know where she parks her car, I can recite the license plate, I know her birthday, I know her favourite singer. I keep a journal of "moments" and it's all in code. I started it on the 14th november last year. Dates, times, and places for stuff like when She called me "my dear" when She said I was "the best student she had ever had" when she said I have 1 in a 1000 linguistic abilities, when she put her hand on my shoulder etc. It actually scares me how I can do this. I swiped someone's post-it once because she had written on it, I know her routine, where she will be and I try to be there, aka when She's on lunch duty, after school duty, when she walks past a class I have, I sit by the door. I just lost Monday, she walks to her office when I have my music lesson, but because I suck at music, the music teacher "fired me" for being unorganised and useless. I don't know my teacher's exact address but I know she lives round the corner from a friend, I'm so jealous. She said Mrs.X jogs infront of her house, and my friend was riding her horse past Mrs.X's house and saw her in her underwear. I looked at my friends adress on google maps, and recognised her house by her car, which Is the first thing I look at when I arrive at school. When it's not there I feel a little crushed.I think she knows, I think she's a little flattered, honestly. I was a little crushed a few weeks ago, Evry thursday she stays after school and can't leave untill all the students are gone, usually about 6. It was 5 mins to 6, and her daughter (who goes to another school, but used to come here so We've met a few times) came into the doorway and stared at me, at first I didn't recognise her, I was on the phone, it was bad news, so I was possibly scowling a little bit when I looked at her and also I was trying to think who she was. She walked back the way she had came and 5 minutes later Mrs. X came in and asked me when I was leaving, cause she had to leave, I said right now and walked slowly to the carpark. When I got in the car I saw her heading towards her car and half way down the driveway I made my gran stop the car, because I "thought I had forgotten something" Mrs. X drove up behind then went round, Her daughter gave me the mst disgusted look. Maybe she knows, or maybe was annoyed because I had stopped. However after that Mrs. X changed her schedule and now she's not there on thursdays. Is she trying to avoid me? But the next day she put her hand around my wrist (little wierd but I had my hands full) you don't do that if you're avoiding someone. But Thursdays just got boring......I know, it's unhealthy, but I can't help it. I've never felt this way before, I don't know whether to go to school today, yesterday my class walked 15 miles, a lot of us aren't coming in, but last time, I came in and mrs. X said that the people who didn't come in were weak and wouldn' get very far in life or something. Also in her own words,today she wants to "Sit in front of me and watch me do it while she is watching" she was talking about coursework, but maybe she meant something else. Every bone and muscle is aching, walking and standing is near impossible, should I go to school?What should I do about this whole problem? I can't just "get over it" it's not that simple. I only have one more year left at this school, Should I tell her on my last day? She probably already knows but, still. How can I stop being so Obsessive? I know if I act on this, she could lose her job, and that is the last thing I want.
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female
reader, mia1525  +, writes (10 December 2008):
You posted this a while back, but just in case you come back to check..
So, I had this english teacher last year and at the beginning I didn't like her but after the first half of the year went by it just switched. Like literally. It happened so fast, one minute I couldn't care less and the next I was hanging off her every word.
I'm not sure of her exact age, I think she's early 40s? She has two girls, one thats about 22? and another that just finished grade 12. But yeah, my situation pretty much mirrors yours - I know her timetable off by heart - I know when she will be on duty - I know what suburb she lives in but I can't bring myself to actually find try her address. I dunno, there is a huge part of me that knows this is wrong, actually all of me does, that's what stops me from going that bit further, ya know?
But I can't explain my feelings, well I know they're not in a gay way. I guess it's a really strong admiration.
I dunno.
But yeah, my grades also shot up. I worked so hard in English and I would stress out so much after handing up assignments.
And I loved when assignment time came around because I would always make some question to ask her about the assignment. And in the lesson I would try and be the last person to go and talk to her, or like let everyone go before me because there were always alot of people that needed drafts checked etc. so that the bell would ring and everyone would leave and I would go up, slightly distressed (pretending_ and be like 'I really needed you to check this' And she would just smile or whatever and tell me to pull up a chair. Like she was extremely selfless and went out of her way to help students. That was another reason I guess I started to like her so much. But yeah, that was how I got to spend time alone with her but like not in a creepy 'I want to kiss you or come on to you' kind of way. Just, well I can't explain it. And it was good then because the time would last longer.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure she likes me too. Not anything unprofessional though, but like she has this sarcastic humour that I have as well. I dunno, I guess that's yet again another reason, oh god I sound like a freak, that I like her so much.
God. She would be so freaked out if she knew. But I will never tell her. Hopefully it will eventually fade away. I've only got one more year left of school, like you, and I might not even get her next year. I probably won't because I had her this year. But she is in my house, so I see her at assemblies and whatnot, so that is always a bonus.
But yeah, how's it all going now? After a few months? Has it gotten any easier?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): i can totally relate to your problem. I have an obessesion with my teacher too and i think it is safe to say that i am also madly in love with him.
My situation is a little different from yours. My teacher is 30 (still a 15 year age difference though!) and he is a man but that's not the point, i'm sure the feelings are still the same.
I used to know his licence plate number (not by heart but i wrote it down!) until he got a new car and i had to stop myself from learning that one. Although I don't know where he lives, i used to look out for his car to see if i could find out, however i have stopped doing this (because it was a bit too close to stalking and he's got a new car!) Although i don't know his timetable off by heart or anything, i make a mental note of everytime he covers one of my lessons so that i know when i'm likely to have him as a cover teacher. This is the frist time i have admitted this to anyone lol.
I hate the way i feel. It is really depressing because it's not like we can ever be together and i know that it is wrong for me to feel this way and obesses so much over him.
However, even if I can't advise you, at least let me reassure you that you are not alone! Falling in love with a teacher is very common (so i'm told!) and you shoudln't be ashamed.
It sounds like you have a very sensible attitude towards your problem, you know that if you told her, she could lose her job. I wouldn't tell her, not even on your last day as it is extremely unlikely that she feels the same way and you could end up embarassed and hurt. Just enjoy the relationship you have. I know it will never feel like enough, but rest assured you'll feel the way you feel about her about someone else one day, someone who CAN love you back.
I'd advise you to talk to people about it too! It took my months to pluck up the courage to tell anyone about my 'crush' but once i did i felt a lot better and discovered that loads of my friends feel the same way (though they probably aren't quite as obessesed as me!) I'm not saying you have to fill your friends in on every little detail ( i don't!) but talking about it will help. If you don't feel ready for that, just going on websites like this and reading about other people's experiences makes me feel a bit better, it shows that i'm not completely alone!
As for getting over your obessesion, well that is something i'm also struggling with! I completely understand that you cannot simply 'get over it.' No way is it that simple. But try not to let her rule your life. Spend time with your friends, have fun! You don't have to put her out if your life completely, just don't let her take over.
I hope my advice was something approaching helpful!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): I'm the annonymous who posted this question.Well, Things got worse yesterday, on the level of stalking that is.I went to The french room to do my coursework, but she had to rush off, not sitting infront of me and watching me do it. :( so anyway, feeling rather deprived, and alone, I sunk to a new low.......I can't believe I did this, But I got up, walked over to her chair, and smelled her jacket! God, what is wrong with me!?! several times, it was the best smell in the world. better than any food. Not ruined or blocked by any perfume, or sweat, it smelled warm, comforting and just like her.Ugh......I need help....:@
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): I am just like you! its so obsessive, i used to sort of stalk him, but it just brought me unnecessary worry and guilt (plus he started to look at me a little suspiciously) so i stopped, and he still teaches me and i really love him! ok, its more limerence (that wikipedia article is AMAZING) i care for him so much, i want to grow old with him, i know where he lives, i know his licence plate more than i know my own, i can practically recite my diary from last year on days where he did something special like touch my hand or compliment me or if i talked to him, i know its not healthy (and i mean that physically too since my heart palpitates so much when i even so much as think about him) and its destrpying my mental health too cos i feel anxious and paranoid and agoraphobic all the time and soooooooo depressed, and i just want to be with him forever! i so hope that your situation gets better because this is the darkest period of my entire life and im so unhappy. and yeah i know this isnt answering your question, but maybe you can take consollation from the fact that you're definitely not alone in how you feel.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): I can empathise very much with you. It's confusing to be so out of control with your emotions, but there's nothing wrong with how you feel. That's the thing with emotions, how you feel is how you feel, all that is happening is you've identified someone who is important to you.You say you have a crush and have fallen in love with this teacher, and this leads you to think your bi-sexual. But then you say you have never felt this way before. Do you have sexual feelings for this woman or is it her attention, time and praise that you are looking for. Maybe your scared of what the future may bring, and this teacher represents the best of what you have been given at school. You could be frightened of leaving school and thus have become clingy with your teacher.Anyway, you clearly understand that your obsession is not healthy, and I think you would be wrong to act on your feelings for your married, hetrosexual teacher who has children to think about. Unrequited obsessional love is never nice, always painful and will cause you embarrassment, when (not if) she rejects you.For now oncentrate on keeping active, finding new hobbies and intrest and planing your future life for after you leave school. If you can't forget about your desires, then use them creatively, turn your energy into art. Write stories, draw pictures, about how you feel, how she makes you feel. There's nothing wrong with falling in love with someone. But keep it fictional, because I guarantee you wont like the reality.
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A
female
reader, MugwaiChild +, writes (12 May 2008):
Hi!
The first thing i want to say is that its perfectly normal for people your age to have a crush on your teacher. They are someone that you admire and that have a position of authority so there will undoubtedly be some level of affection that you feel.
However what you have to understand and accept is that nothing will come of this affection. Your teacher has a duty of care towards you. And could lose her job or even go to jail if she was initiate any sort of relationship with you outside of what there is ment to be. And from you say she is happy in a relationship and also has children.
I have no doubt that you have very intense feeling for her. But you have to learn to keep them under control. And by accepting your love for her as unrequited, because it most likely is you will be able to do so.
I dont think that you should tell her how you feel. It wont do anyone any good in the long run. I know its difficult but perhaps keeping your feelings and thoughts to yourself is the best way forward for everyone involved.
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