A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need help. I have been with my partner for just over two years now and he proposed to me last october. I really love him but I've been having alot of doubts if he is really the one for me and if our relationship will ever last.I have been having major arguements with my parents over my relationship, my mum does like my fiancé but shares the same veiw as my dad and that my fiancé is a time waster and I could do so much better. I have never heard any of my friends or his friends say that they are happy I'm with this guy, just they are happy if I am. My fiancé has got a bar job which is really not the best money in the world. I am not materialistic but we are planning to move in together and he just can't afford it but is making no effort to get a better job. Because he has no money I always end up paying for everything. I can't remember the last time he took me out for a meal or to the cinema or even bought the takeaway. I suppose it's my own fault for giving in to him but he just takes it for granted I have money and he can have some of it.Another issue I have is the fact that we haven't had sex in a while. This is difficult as I still live at home and he is living in a hostel so we have no privacy. I bought some sexy underwear to try and spice things up for valentines day but when I revealed what his present was he told me I shouldn't have bothered because I know he doesn't care about things like that.He also is a major flirt. I am a jealous person and I am constantly having trust issues with him. I even look at his facebook and emails without him knowing. I have never been like this before it is so unlike me to snoop through my partners private things. I even went through his phone once or twice. Looking at these things have made me doubt him even more as he has been chatting to girls and these aren't girls he's known for a while they are just some random girls he's met on a drunken night out or on facebook. I haven't an issue with him chatting to girls and making friends but he hides it all behind my back.I could go on even about this guy even more, like the time he came to my house high on drugs when he knows I hate that and then tried to steal my bank card. Or when we go out clubbing he wanders off for hours.He is a very jealous person and is very protective of me. He does show me affection bit it's nearly always me who is giving him affection and I always have to ask for a cuddle or a kiss. He sometimes doesn't give me them when I ask. He doesn't tell me he loves me alot either.He can be very selfish. I have a really hard job and when I vent off steam and tell him about my week it's like he just doesn't care. Maybe he's jealous I earn more than him and I have a better job or maybe it's because he just really doesn't care. It would be nice to be comforted once in a while.Am I just being taken for a complete idiot here?I know what I have written doesn't tell you that he can be so lovely when we're alone together. He does do nice stuff occasionally. He's had a very hard past too so maybe the lack of affection and willpower to do better for us has something to do with that. I am his first long term girlfriend, the longest before me was 2 months.Please please help me, I don't know if I should settle down and spend the rest of my life with this guy or if I should let him go. My heart tells me I cannot leave him, that all he needs is a good job which might make him grow up a bit and stop giving the xbox (which I bought him) more attention. It's getting me really down.
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clubbing, drugs, drunk, facebook, flirt, jealous, money, underwear Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (16 March 2011):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/seriously-debating-whether-to--break-up-or.html
A
female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (15 March 2011):
 PS: Please Read the article on this site about Debating your relationship, it will help you alot.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (15 March 2011):
Your parents are not as dumb as you may think they are. Maybe you should listen to them if they have a bad feeling about this guy.
I can remember being your age and fighting with my mom over my boyfriend. She was always yelling at me don't do this, and don't do that, so much that I never realised what she was actually trying to tell me until it was to late.
As a result I got pregnant right after high school (graduated in June and married by October) Only then did I realize that my mom wasn't trying to ruin my life, she was trying to save it.
What I wish she would have told me was this:
Look you are only young and free once. This is the ONLY time in your life that you can do whatever you want to do. You can go to college or move across the country, or go to NYC to live with your friends, or backpack across Europe.
Whatever you want to do, or try, or see, it's all wide open for you right now. But once you get married and have a child those doors start to slam shut. And you don't get to have those choices anymore.
Not when you have a husband, and especially not once you have a baby, because for the rest of your life you will have to make choices about what is best for your child first, not for yourself anymore.
And I threw all that away before I even knew what I was doing. That was the message my mother was trying to tell me. I just never heard it.
Please don't make the same mistake I did. My husband and I got divorced by the time my son turned five. And he was no where near as awful as your fiance sounds. After the divorce we struggled with money for years.
My friends moved to NYC without me and I didn't get to go to college until my son was over 16 years old.
I am happily remarried now to a wonderful man, but I would give anything to go back and do things differently if I could. I wish I had listened to my parents when I had the chance. They only ever wanted good things for me.
So here is my advise... DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY RIGHT NOW.
Put it off until he proves himself more reliable and trust worthy. Stops using drugs, gets a better job, and wises up about being overly jealous and selfish. Learns to appreaciate a gift by saying thank you, when one is given to him. Have I left anything out?? Oh yeah, gets off his ass, puts down the X-Box controller and start paying more attention to you.
Only once he has grown up enough to do ALL those things would I even think about marrying him. Until then get out there, have some fun, and enjoy your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for responding
I need unbiased advice and you've helped alot.
I never thought I'd be on a website like this asking for help.
The list sounds like a very good idea, I definately need to sit down and write out everything I feel and know about him.
I know I might I might sound pathetic and really stupid to most people but I have no idea what is normal in a relationship anymore, it's all become normal for me to live like this with my fiancé.
Hopefully your advice will help me make the right decision
xxx
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (15 March 2011):
 hi
when i first read your question i thought it was gonna be a case of your parents just being overprotective and thinking no one was good enough for their 'little girl' but on reading further into it i can understand exactly where they are coming from! how old is he? what are the circumstances that led to him living in a hostel? where are his parents in this? what is the reason for his longest relationship before you only lasting 2 months?
does he have the qualifications or intelligence to get a more substantial job? if he does be he is not utilising his skills/intellect then, yes, you could say he is lazy. if a bar job is his limit then you can't really condemn him for that. not everyone can be a high flyer in their career and if this is what you are looking for then maybe you might be better looking elsewhere.
i do not like the drugs, the flirting, adding girls on facebook, withholding affection and sex, letting you pay for him, being jealous of you but he flirts. was his proposal to you a SERIOUS one? have you both started to make any serious plans for the wedding yet?
he sounds like he has got a lot of growing up to do (and this may NEVER happen by the way) can you honestly see yourself married/living with him and having his support with bills etc and having kids with him - the way he is now??
i do not know what his good points are but you are gonna have to have a serious think about these things and decide if his good points outweigh his bad ones or are the nice things he does for you just pretty shallow gestures.
make a list of his pro's and cons. read it well and then decide what you want to do. if you decide to stay read the list and use it whenever you feel negative about his to remind you that he is not all bad. if you decide to leave read that list whenever you feel you have made the wrong choice or you feel lonely and want to give in and take him back - it will keep you strong by reminding you of how bad he is
xx
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