A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hello alli am sorry its bit long but pleaseeee read this for god heaven's sake..i am going through a lot of heartache at present. my LDR ex girlfriend(18) left me a year ago and i am still pining over the loss.sometimes i think she was young to understand what she is doing to me. i dont know why i cant pass a minute without thinking about her whereabouts. it was a 3 year relationship and she made me feel super special. i was the world for her and even i was super dependent on her emotionally. she basically left me saying she doesnt feel the same thing now and i should forget her. even after i have read tons of articles on the internet mentioning that these things happen but i dont seem to accept that she did this to me as it is completely opposite of what i thought she is as a person. how can she not miss me and live without seeing me considering that she could do literally anything to see me happy and was so possessive. how is it possible that she went so cold? what went wrong so terribly? i havent heard a squeak from her since a year. i pleaded in front of her and cried to give it a chance but she did all sorts of drama and washed her hands off me and went away without looking back even once in a year. i cant make my heart understand this and accept that it is over!i felt i moved on but all of the sudden i am missing her like crazy and going through anxiety attacks making my situation miserable than ever. i am feeling like i felt on the first day of our breakup. i am scared that i will never see this girl again in my life and wont have those wonderful moments ever again and have her back like she was. its so damn scary! and this ache is sucking the life out of me every second. one part of me feels an urge to atleast give it a try once as things have turned cold in a year whereas there are over a hundred reasons i shouldnt even bother to think about her seeing that she has disappeared like she never existed. how is it fair when you made a person so special to you?? but sadly i am not able to cope up with it and it has come very hard on me! i am having panic attacks and anxiety and an intense urge to contact her atleast once and see. well i guess i understand that she will either not answer my calls or will follow the same pattern which i guess i wont be able to bear this rejection for the second time. i have my university exams in a week and i am unable to study and always think about and analyse the circumstances on her side and reasons why she did this to me and let me down so badly in the end and didnt make any effort to stand by our love. i am badly obsessed with her and have become a dead body alive in literal terms thinking every second about her. i know i am not alone but my situation has reached to the point where it demands urgent help and support its driving me insane! i have tried everythng to keep busy but my heart owes some explanation for that brutal betrayal and just disappearing after making me feel like a king for whole 3 years. i probably knew the end was coming because of some issues but the way she has dealt with things has caused me endless heartache for the whole year and it hurts when i realise she wasnt like that atleast with me as i was the most special to her once upon a time. i so badly want to get out of all this. i dont think any therapist can help because i have alreeady read tons of articles which he would probably use to explain me and i am well above those beginning stages.i have become directionless and am damn scared and know that she has probably moved on and wont ever get to see her in my life. i have reached a stage of do or die as i dont have time to think about these things but i am unable to study and even sharing doesnt seem to east the pain. kindly show me some way out of this. my life is a mess and i dont have any real friends. sometimes i feel to end is is good for all but i have some inner strength which is pushing me to write this and fight it to come out as a successful guy who can narrate his sad story to his children and lol...i cried in front of her but she has no concern for me now. i get this nagging feeling that atleast she should know how much i care and have suffered because of her and missed her in this time and give it time to process and see what happens. but i guess a year is enought to make a guess that i dont mean to her now as much as i was...please help me outta this ..its a battle of obsession and survival...thanks for reading
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 November 2010):
 What you need here is some kind of explanation. When I was your age I was "guilty" for liking someone else. I too was very in love with my first boyfriend. We went separate ways for the summer because we are from different countries. I met other people and found that the love I had for my first ex was more like a spell bound chemically induced kind of love, and love needs more than just feelings. I ended it because the infatuation faded away and the temporary intense feelings formed no basis for a solid relationship. I found out we had little chemistry and we were not compatible.
If nothing you could do can help you feel better, I would recommend medication. You need a little outside help to get your life on track again. If you had an infection, you won't just sit there, tell yourself to get over it, distract yourself with activities and hope it would just go away, right? Your brain is strained with all that obsession. Take good care of it. You have no friends but your family is worrying about you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): I sympathize. I've been going through a similar thing for the past year--obsessed over a man who dumped me and heartbroken, feeling as if my life is incomplete without him. Not a minute passes when I don't think about him.
So I know exactly how you feel.
People will say things like, "Get over it," and sometimes not too nicely, but that doesn't help at all. And we can't force ourselves to "get over it" or rush the pain of loss. And we certainly can't apply logic to it either as it's emotional. Know that it will just take time, maybe even a few years.
Someone told you that no one died. Yes, someone did--that part of yourself that you imagined you were with this girl, and that's the reason for your grief and heartbreak.
The thing that helps me the most is distracting myself with my artwork. I confess, there are days when the grief is so bad that I can focus on nothing else, but, for the most part, working on something I love helps, gives me some joy and helps me get through the day. So whatever hobby or craft you like to do--I suggest that you do it. If you can afford it, get away for a while or get together with some old friends.
And regardless of what you've read on the net, counseling might help. It won't get rid of your grief, only time will do that, but it may lighten your heart to talk to someone about it.
Also, I don't know if you've tried antidepressants but they're helpful to some people too.
It's possible that you have some form of OCD, which is why you can't get over this girl. The fact that you "moved on" and then started obsessing about her and have a lot of anxiety is good evidence that you do.
I was diagnosed with that in the spring and took medication for a short time, and it did help some, but I had to stop taking it, because I had some other major health issues come up. But I think I'll try it again as I was improving on it.
I'd moved on for over five years before I started obsessing on this man. And I too did a lot of research online, trying to understand my sudden insanity better as it seemed so illogical to want this man back in my life. And I read countless articles online about people with a form of OCD obsessing on someone many years later--sometimes as much as 10 or 20 years. It's really not that uncommon.
So please do check into that possibility.
Good luck. Keep us updated on what happens.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (7 November 2010):
 I agree with the other two 'aunts' both really excellent answers and advice you should take. The reason you don't think any therapist can help you is because you know that they cannot tell you what you want to hear:
'It's all going to be fine and she's going to come back'
Nobody is going to tell you that because it's not going to happen. Self pity is fine for a while but eventually it will begin to destroy you. It's high time you took a new approach to your life, forced yourself to make some friends and go out and have fun...it's the only way to 'get off' of the 'self pity wheel'.
Most people on this site will know exactly how you feel because most of us have been there ourselves (so you're in good company) Nobody here wants to see you continue to suffer over this because most of us have overcome heartbreak and life devastation ourselves and have all had to force ourselves to move on from the pain. You can do it too. Don't be one of those people who wrecks their life because of one relationship.
The world and it's new experiences and people are waiting for you to get your act together. You're at university, join some groups, get involved and allow some positivity back into your life.
Good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): Look, nobody's died or anything. Your girlfriend dumped you, it happens, that's life. It was a LDR anyway so it probably wasn't going to work and the girl was very young. Stop obssesing, get outside and more importantly GET A LIFE! You're not the first person to get dumped and you won't be the last.
It's been over a year? Yeah, you really need to move on. Crying in front of a girl isn't going to make her want you back it's just going to make her think you're mentally disturbed or if you're lucky she might pity you. You say you have no real friends? Maybe that's why getting dumped for you feels like the end of the world. I'm guessing you made this girl into your whole world, obssesed over her day and night and thought of nothing else and now you're no longer her boyfriend you have to face the fact that you need to have your own life and that's probably too much for you to face.
You need to realise that sometimes we don't always get what we want and bad things happen to everyone. There's no point crying or wishing it was different because she doesn't want to be with you.
If yoy're at university, which to be honest suprised me, because it sounds like you don't have much of a life, then you should grab the opportunity with both hands. Being at uni is supposed to widen your horizens, meet new people HAVE FUN. You're wasting your life on a girl who broke up with you over a year ago. GET OVER IT!
Start a new hobby, meet new people. Come on! You're at uni, there's no better place to meet new people and new potential girlfriends. Stop wollowing in self pity and grow up a bit.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 November 2010):
 She is 18, making her 15 when the LDR began, its a scientific fact girls mature in the realm of love and relationships faster than boys .... I hate to tell you this but she probably simply outgrew you.
Its lovely to hear the articles available have educated you to the degree that trained therapists are now obselete, well in your case anyway.
I think not only is it time for you to find something else to obsess over but also time for you to turn off the computer and get outside. Breath in some real air, walk amongst people who are not connected to the www, pat a dog, sit under a tree, and get over yourself.
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